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Wanted: Ninja Rockstar Code Monkey Hacker Unicorn

65 points| gandalfar | 9 years ago |rkoutnik.com

61 comments

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stephanfroede|9 years ago

Job Ad Title: Warp Engineer with at least 5years hands-on needed

You should have a solid knowledge of operating Planck length structures.

N-Dimensional and Indeterministic Modelling are mandatory.

Apply fast, ship will leave earth within the next 2 weeks.

blantonl|9 years ago

I have 5 year of OS/2 Warp experience. Does that count?

drivingmenuts|9 years ago

I'm your huckleberry. I can do such a ridiculous Scottish accent that when everything is going right, it still sounds like it's all gone to hell. And when it all goes to hell, no one will know the difference.

Slight problem with voice-activated devices.

robotmlg|9 years ago

I'm betting "Yes you’ll get all the usual benefits, but if you’re really going for perks, Google is your best bet! If you want to make an impact, then please apply." and "We’ll have a large variety of alcohol in the office as well as an assortment of video games for the perfect frat environment" are the two sentences from real job descriptions

lmz|9 years ago

I think "If that scares you, don’t apply. We don’t want people who are scared by silly things like reality." sounds more real than advertising a large variety of alcohol.

bdalgaard|9 years ago

My guess was the Google line and "Plan on working ~100+ hours a week during sprints. If that scares you, don’t apply." The 100 hours is a little extreme, but I've seen things similar to "If that scares you, don’t apply." in descriptions before.

DKnoll|9 years ago

Does the idea of beer and video games in the office really bother anyone? Sounds great to me...

recentdarkness|9 years ago

Must have "White" - W T F? Are you serious?

Edit: Not that 'Male' is any better...

Edit2: I came to the link without context - That was the first thing that shot in my eyes and I didn't realize that this actually wasn't a real job thing. You got me there -.-' Not meant to be trolling ;)

dsjoerg|9 years ago

you are either an expert troll or...

jgh|9 years ago

I read the linked article on Implementers, Problem Solvers, and Problem Finders. I think that, given that the job market is very much on the side of programmers, that people need to be more choosy with what they take. You usually know going into it what you're going to be working on and what kind of company it is. Applying for an iOS job at a place that sells dog toys? I bet you're not going to be feeling like you're using your creative side...

vonmoltke|9 years ago

> given that the job market is very much on the side of programmers

I think this is seriously oversold. Outside of the Valley, or outside of certain skillsets, the market is not on the side of programmers.

ryandrake|9 years ago

Read through that article as well and I have to say it rings scarily true. To use the article's vocabulary, I wish there were more "Finder" roles out there. Most companies have plenty of "Implementor" and "Solver" roles, but nobody's looking for "Finders". Finding the right problem to solve is often the domain of the founders and execs because of course, they are oh-so-smart and always just innately know what the company should be working on!

I consider myself a decent programmer, and I love doing it. I used to program professionally, and still do so at home all the time as a hobby. But I have a hard time imagining myself coming into work and doing it for a living anymore. I got sick of implementing someone else's half-baked ideas and not having even a tiny say about what we're building, who it's for, what the most important features are, where we should spend our time, etc. It was all: Close this ticket. Fix this bug. Implement this feature using this binary tree here and that data structure there with these fields. JUST TYPE IT IN and don't worry if the product will be successful. Most places treat software engineering as data entry. The glorious Product Managers got to do the creative work!

So I moved over to the product management side to get those things and that's great. But it's still not a "Finder" role. You don't have enough time to both find and solve the problem, and you don't have the autonomy to do it right. You're too busy running around talking to 'stakeholders', smoothing over things with marketing, reviewing ad copy, sitting in strategic synergy meetings, battling with the UI designers, and trying to keep sales from selling something you don't have. And, at the end of the day, you still don't have that autonomy or creative control, since there's always someone higher up the food chain who just wants you to do it their way and write them a report about it.

It seems in tech your choice is between being an implementer-monkey and being a sock-puppet.

bluejekyll|9 years ago

> We practice HN-driven-development

Brilliant.

avckp|9 years ago

What is HN-driven-development?

thefastlane|9 years ago

.... who's single, willling to be paid in options rather than a market-rate salary, and will work long hours because they truly believe in our mission of $RANDOM_BS_NARRATIVE

nfriedly|9 years ago

I'm almost afraid to ask which two sentences came from real job descriptions..

amyjess|9 years ago

I'm guessing this is one of them:

> Yes you’ll get all the usual benefits, but if you’re really going for perks, Google is your best bet! If you want to make an impact, then please apply.

cdubzzz|9 years ago

My guesses (two sentence _pairs_):

> Plan on working ~100+ hours a week during sprints. If that scares you, don’t apply.

> Yes you’ll get all the usual benefits, but if you’re really going for perks, Google is your best bet! If you want to make an impact, then please apply.

TeMPOraL|9 years ago

I'm betting on:

> We’ll have a large variety of alcohol in the office as well as an assortment of video games for the perfect frat environment

I recall a (short-lived?) trend a year or two ago of startups offering free beer as a perk, and generally trying to describe themselves like a frathouse.

strictnein|9 years ago

My guess:

> "Equity: 0.1% - 2% for the ‘right person’."

jrs235|9 years ago

"We’ll offer the low end of the range, citing lack of experience with some framework that hasn’t left beta." and because, ah, you're self taught.

thecolorblue|9 years ago

> Unshakable confidence due to the Dunning-Kruger effect

This is my favorite line.

juandazapata|9 years ago

This made me smile, and then I felt bad because it's true.

venomsnake|9 years ago

That scarily describes a startup I am involved with.

francusant|9 years ago

Must haves:

White Male

Haha! I see a law suit on its way! :)

agounaris|9 years ago

Forgot around 30s :D

recentdarkness|9 years ago

No, early Twenties with 15 Years of experience in the 'field'