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My Fully Optimized Life Allows Me Ample Time to Optimize Yours

54 points| r0m4n0 | 9 years ago |mcsweeneys.net | reply

17 comments

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[+] grkvlt|9 years ago|reply
So, I just looked up 'Tibetan singing bowl alarm clocks', 'alternate nostril breathing', 'gratitude journaling', 'bulletproof coffee' and 'intermittent fasting'; and they are all apparently real things...
[+] hgdsraj|9 years ago|reply
I don't get it seriously, this lady has too much money, only helps herself and others who fund her addiction to premium and unnecessary products. She has a highly inneficient life basically focused on fads and things sold to people as scams. She and her husband don't communicate enough. She has a psychological condition that allows her to feel empowered and with this inneficiency. She convinces others with unusual amounts of money in a cult like fashion to buy her product. She continues to profit, and she brags about this pyramid scheme that she isn't even at the top of.
[+] mattkrause|9 years ago|reply
(Psst...it's satire!)
[+] iamacynic|9 years ago|reply
this kind of satire is actually very common (they're just making fun of a entire subculture by condensing as much of it as possible into a single extremely over-the-top person), but mcsweeney's always takes it to the next level.
[+] titanomachy|9 years ago|reply
My favourite line:

> After years of research, I have engineered the most efficient possible workout, which is a single, 100-pound kettlebell swing, followed by four and a half minutes of foam rolling.

[+] jeppebemad|9 years ago|reply
So many great quotes in there

> To make cleanup more efficient, I have seven Vitamix blender pitchers, which I clean all at once on Sunday evenings. Best $1200 I’ve ever spent. So much time saved.

> We have also adapted our own version of the Nonviolent Communication protocol, which allows us to express all of our needs, feelings, fears, and experiences from the day in a loving exchange of five sentences each. (To learn more, check out my husband’s wonderful book, The Four Hour Relationship.)

Edit: hard to single out the best among many!

[+] Heraclite|9 years ago|reply
I'm surprised so many people are missing the satire here.

Very funny article. In a modern world focused on the self, this is what you eventually get. Our lives are too comfortable.

[+] Cpoll|9 years ago|reply
It should have been obvious when there was no link for the ebook.

> which keeps me in ketosis until I break my intermittent fast

Also ruined the suspension of disbelief. I don't think you can enter and exit ketosis daily, in under 24hrs.

[+] eli_gottlieb|9 years ago|reply
You know what they say: if you're missing the joke, you probably are the joke.
[+] hgdsraj|9 years ago|reply
Sounds aweful, the absolute worst. Wow
[+] throwayedidqo|9 years ago|reply
This is great. I've got some relatives that love this garbage and there's things in here I hadn't heard about. I can picture the author being totally surrounded by this shit :)