Few years ago I witnessed a traffic accident in which a 16yo boy riding a motorcycle died.
I was the first to get to him trying to assess his condition and help. Those were his last moments. There was a lot of blood and I was helpless. I did my best but witnessed him dying anyway.
I was 32 years old. I never knew this boy. Nevertheless this was a life changing experience.
I'll never forget this neither will I forget having face his poor parents who wanted to hear about their son's final moments from the man who was there.
This experience will never stop haunting me.
I can easily imagine how devastating it can be for someone who's lost their friend. Especially when you're a kid.
If someone from your family experienced this, please don't go the "let's not bring this up" way.
That doesn't help.
The linked story and yours are both harrowing. But it has spurred me to action. Many years ago, my younger sister, a police officer, was off duty and just driving her car into town when she saw a car plough into another in front of her. She jumped out of her car and raced over to the drivers door, where she saw that the driver had a gaping wound in his neck and was bleeding out.
My sister hates the sight of blood, and faints when getting a needle, but to this day I don't know how she did what she did, which was to reach in and clamp her hand around his neck to try and stem the bleeding, while trying to talk to him. His wife was in the passenger seat, relatively uninjured but screaming hysterically at her husband's condition. My sister said that she looked into the guys eyes while she tried to talk to him and reassure him - she said the look he gave her was one of 'pleading sadness', and she watched while in less than a minute the life went out of him right there and then.
She only ever told me the story once, and our family has one of those stupid 'don't talk about it' rules, which after reading this, I intend to break. She seems fine to this day and doesn't show any outward signs of it affecting her, but next time I get the chance, I will see if she wants to talk more about it.
It's a pretty common thing to witness unfortunately in poorer countries with bad road conditions and lots of motorbikes. I have seen firsthand a few terrible accidents in which multiple people died in horrific ways.
I also saw a thief beaten to death pretty much right in front of me, which haunts me even more. I witnessed it from my balcony and by the time I got downstairs (with the intention of stopping it) it was too late. There was also a suicide in my neighborhood where a young boy jumped off his balcony from about 5 stories up. I was out exercising so fortunately I didn't see it, but when I got back my neighbors all told me and the next day I saw photos in a newspaper taken right near my apartment of a monk blessing the boy's body. My wife as a child also saw a foreign English teacher jump off a tall building. It can be really depressing living in an impoverished place.
This experience is precisely why you should never ask a war veteran if they've killed someone. Many times they have, but more often than not they've had to watch someone they were close with die.
I had a similar experience, and I'm a bit slow to process extreme emotions so in crisis I'm very calm. A few days later though, it hit me while I was in the shower and my guard was down; I started shaking and I didn't know why. I literally dropped the washcloth and realized that I was crying, then I realized why, and it all hit me. As you say, it's one of those things that never quite heals, it just... skins over a little. Sharing does seem to help.
"I was the first to get to him trying to assess his condition and help. Those were his last moments. There was a lot of blood and I was helpless."
Those first ten seconds are shocking. For me it was understanding ^control^, the lack of control and the fight to get it back. The situation you were presented @bitcharmer is binary and anything other than a win can be seen as failure.
For me it took a long time to understand that whatever I did, I had no real ^control^. Understanding control, the complete lack of it, in extreme situations like the one you describe lets you move one step closer to understanding death. To understand what it is like in @bitcharmer shoes, read happened in a similar situation back in 2012 (non fatal) https://www.flickr.com/photos/bootload/7949327460
I've never had a personal tragedy like the scope of the author's, but her essay hit me nonetheless in reminding me of all the times I've avoided "tricky" topics with friends and family, and how in retrospect, this avoidance contributed to relationships drifting apart over the years. I was both happy how the author's bravery led to an eventual reconciliation, and sad thinking about relationships that I didn't prioritize enough.
“Could you just start at the beginning and tell me everything?”
Nobody talks about death, especially violent death. This quote stands out the most. Do you want to know why people who have been there don't talk? It's the interruptions, the funny looks and having to answer stupid questions. So if you are in the company of someone and they talk about it, it's probably because they trust you. Let them talk it out to the end, interruption free.
When I do talk, it's quietly to mates who were there and those who have been in similar situations. There is no great divide in understanding, no interruptions and plenty of trust.
Incidentally this article made me think about people who save other's life, sometimes at personal risk. I am not thinking about big hero - like actions (which are of course fantastic) but rather Joe passing by and somehow saving Bob's life.
I had two cases like this in my life. In one of them I saw a car rolling over on a highway and stopped to see if the driver was fine (alive, actually). He was there, breathing, and there was petrol all over the place. I got him out before the car shared to burn (quite slowly, nothing like in movies).
I did not even think once about my safety, I did not think about anything, actually. There was strictly nothing heroic in what I did because brain was not involved at all.
I wonder if others have this as well - for me a hero is someone who realizes what he or she can loose and despite this take the risk to help someone. This was not my case at all and would not be either if my children were at stake, for instance.
I wonder if it's the same talking to a psy as to a relative. It's much less grave, but years talking to various psychologists didn't damp by emotions about my first break-up, especially because they don't want to talk about the past, they only want to talk about the future.
Many many years ago, when I was one and a half years old, I had a brother who was three. He had red hair and a bright smile (I've seen the pictures) and a curious nature. Inexplicably, he slipped from everyone's sight one day and fell into the river and drowned.
The resulting silent implosion in my family led to generations of pain and guilt and alcoholism and silence. Each parent, each sibling, suffering in guilty silence, and locking away their emotional selves from those that need it.
The silence solves nothing folks, take it from me, it solves nothing.
Am I the only one who was extremely confused by the writing? I think the whole effect was just lost on me, because I went from thinking her brother was the one who died, to thinking he was the driver, to finally getting to the part where she actually says explicitly that he was the other boy in the road.
It was a long truck - a landscaping trailer hitched to its back.
I would guess that sharp enough movements would not have done something constructive, so if the vehicle was already coming right around a curve, or going fast enough, they could have let off a little to go "straight" or continued to go "right", but going left would have done nothing reasonable.
In the article, though, the driver phrases it as them being too close, and turning just meaning hitting one or the other, so perhaps they came out into the street and he was just going too fast.
There was an investigation and court case about the accident, as the article mentions. If the driver would have been guilty, probably he would have been punished.
I think some pretty unfortunate situation arose, maybe the children were also not careful enough, it doesn't really matter anymore. The driver had to make a decision in a split second. Probably he already instinctively did some action by the time he got to think about the situation, and the "decision" is a rationalization of a situation he was just as well victim of, where he also didn't have any control.
It seems more like a rationalisation. In the brief moment between seeing the boy and swerving it is unlikely that he had the time or situational awareness to consider his options. By believing that he would have killed a boy anyway, regardless of his choice, he avoids judging that he could have made the wrong choice, and so he avoids crushing doubt and regret.
[+] [-] bitcharmer|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] cyberferret|9 years ago|reply
My sister hates the sight of blood, and faints when getting a needle, but to this day I don't know how she did what she did, which was to reach in and clamp her hand around his neck to try and stem the bleeding, while trying to talk to him. His wife was in the passenger seat, relatively uninjured but screaming hysterically at her husband's condition. My sister said that she looked into the guys eyes while she tried to talk to him and reassure him - she said the look he gave her was one of 'pleading sadness', and she watched while in less than a minute the life went out of him right there and then.
She only ever told me the story once, and our family has one of those stupid 'don't talk about it' rules, which after reading this, I intend to break. She seems fine to this day and doesn't show any outward signs of it affecting her, but next time I get the chance, I will see if she wants to talk more about it.
[+] [-] 3131s|9 years ago|reply
I also saw a thief beaten to death pretty much right in front of me, which haunts me even more. I witnessed it from my balcony and by the time I got downstairs (with the intention of stopping it) it was too late. There was also a suicide in my neighborhood where a young boy jumped off his balcony from about 5 stories up. I was out exercising so fortunately I didn't see it, but when I got back my neighbors all told me and the next day I saw photos in a newspaper taken right near my apartment of a monk blessing the boy's body. My wife as a child also saw a foreign English teacher jump off a tall building. It can be really depressing living in an impoverished place.
[+] [-] SEJeff|9 years ago|reply
Source: am a veteran
[+] [-] M_Grey|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bootload|9 years ago|reply
Those first ten seconds are shocking. For me it was understanding ^control^, the lack of control and the fight to get it back. The situation you were presented @bitcharmer is binary and anything other than a win can be seen as failure.
For me it took a long time to understand that whatever I did, I had no real ^control^. Understanding control, the complete lack of it, in extreme situations like the one you describe lets you move one step closer to understanding death. To understand what it is like in @bitcharmer shoes, read happened in a similar situation back in 2012 (non fatal) https://www.flickr.com/photos/bootload/7949327460
After this I'm one for one.
[+] [-] codinghorror|9 years ago|reply
We don't get a lot of death intruding in our lives when we're young. But it starts to creep in as you get older and it is ... very unsettling.
[+] [-] danso|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bootload|9 years ago|reply
Nobody talks about death, especially violent death. This quote stands out the most. Do you want to know why people who have been there don't talk? It's the interruptions, the funny looks and having to answer stupid questions. So if you are in the company of someone and they talk about it, it's probably because they trust you. Let them talk it out to the end, interruption free.
When I do talk, it's quietly to mates who were there and those who have been in similar situations. There is no great divide in understanding, no interruptions and plenty of trust.
[+] [-] BrandoElFollito|9 years ago|reply
I had two cases like this in my life. In one of them I saw a car rolling over on a highway and stopped to see if the driver was fine (alive, actually). He was there, breathing, and there was petrol all over the place. I got him out before the car shared to burn (quite slowly, nothing like in movies). I did not even think once about my safety, I did not think about anything, actually. There was strictly nothing heroic in what I did because brain was not involved at all.
I wonder if others have this as well - for me a hero is someone who realizes what he or she can loose and despite this take the risk to help someone. This was not my case at all and would not be either if my children were at stake, for instance.
[+] [-] ElDji|9 years ago|reply
I witnesses the death of my dad two years ago, and experienced overleming emotions since then and depression like symptoms.
I choose to stick to "Won't never talk about what I saw", but this seems really not the good path.
[+] [-] tajen|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] kwhitefoot|9 years ago|reply
I hope I can make use of it.
[+] [-] mcguire|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] longtimegone|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] markc|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] dead10ck|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] nomadic_09|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] 13of40|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] rincebrain|9 years ago|reply
I would guess that sharp enough movements would not have done something constructive, so if the vehicle was already coming right around a curve, or going fast enough, they could have let off a little to go "straight" or continued to go "right", but going left would have done nothing reasonable.
In the article, though, the driver phrases it as them being too close, and turning just meaning hitting one or the other, so perhaps they came out into the street and he was just going too fast.
[+] [-] kodfodrasz|9 years ago|reply
I think some pretty unfortunate situation arose, maybe the children were also not careful enough, it doesn't really matter anymore. The driver had to make a decision in a split second. Probably he already instinctively did some action by the time he got to think about the situation, and the "decision" is a rationalization of a situation he was just as well victim of, where he also didn't have any control.
[+] [-] oftenwrong|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] frankzinger|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] phaed|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] benibela|9 years ago|reply
[+] [-] dsfyu404ed|9 years ago|reply