Being a wallflower isn't a great way to meet people agreed. but after a few decades I've come to realize that its a symptom rather than a cause - if you want to meet people you need to plan ahead - invite others to come with you, go to places you know people already - introduce yourself and chat to friends of friends not strangers.
If you go to a place where you're by yourself and aren't talking to people you aren't a wallflower, you just didn't prepare.
My "networking" became 100x easier and more effective once I ditched "networking events" (not that I ever went to many) and made "friends of friends" networking through hikes/biking/dinner/etc. my main mode of expanding my circle of friendly knowledge worker acquaintances.
Also you form actual friendships from time to time.
Also, look at other sources of stress in your life. As I've mentioned before, I had neighbors who made my life hell. As a result, I never invited people over. I was always dependent upon an invitation and going somewhere else.
Additionally, and primarily, I was so stressed and not feeling good about myself, that I felt awkward in conversations. The questions about immediate life; well, my answers -- and I've always had trouble dissembling -- were not "good" and "cheerful."
This all becomes more and more of a Catch 22. You're not doing well. Your social life dwindles. You feel worse for the lack of a social life and engagement.
And, those social engagements you do have, can take on too much meaning. Too much import. And you choke.
So... Look at sources of (negative) stress in your life. And minimize them where you can't eliminate them. This isn't some mantra to "feel better" (in the face of reality). This is an action plan. Not always an easy one, but where you can identify problems and -- hopefully -- solutions.
This is very true--feeling comfortable and making friends in a roomful of complete strangers is difficult even for extroverts. Some people can pull it off but they are well outside the norm. Being a wallflower is a natural inclination for anyone in this scenario. It's not only shy people who feel this way.
From experience I can tell you that the article is 100% correct. I'm socially kind of unusual (I manage to be not too awkward ;)) and also I'm not exactly a super model. Having moved to new cities twice, I had big problems making friends. Even worse, over the years I talked less and less. But then I realized: ok, I just need to literally make myself drown in people. So I went to Meetups a lot. At least now I had some new acquaintances. Actually I ended up working in a place that also hosts Meetups, I made a lot of friends there - also friends that I consider close.
The truth is: many of the "most likeable" people - young or old - spend most of their time alone. Alone at their desk, alone at home, alone in the car. It seems society is just an actual society at School and University, afterwards people become loners. As a matter of fact many people even die more or less alone, no matter if the career was successful or not.
Summary: If you want to meet people, be meetable. Proximity is power. If you isolate yourself by location or behavior, less people are going to do the work of meeting you. If you're a man, this passive shit doesn't work as well, so get ready to be bridging the gap courageously yourself.
Open ended questions usually fail. You're better off making interesting statements than you are actually asking questions. For instance: You look like you're from someplace very far away. vs. Where are you from?
Open ended questions are pretty garbage unless someone is already attracted to you, and used to being conversational. Interrogations aren't fun.
Good comment but I wouldn't suggest saying you look like you are from someplace far away. Just sticking with the standard where you are from is good.
Better to have traveled out of the country a few times so you can relate.
Best advice is to talk about doing something. This art museum, this meetup, this new great restaurant. "Oh join me and my other friends. Or let's go explore together." You can kind of bluff your way through this even if you have no other friends (go find them!).
>Open ended questions are pretty garbage unless someone is already attracted to you, and used to being conversational. Interrogations aren't fun.
It seems like there's a lot of evidence that people like talking about themselves. Also, questions invite engagement where 'interesting statements' don't, necessarily.
I think 'interesting questions' are a good route to go. Knowing
a bit of philosophy helps here. E.g. "In a brain transplant would you rather be the donor or the recipient?" or "Should child-sized sex robots be legal?" Because regardless of the answer it invites follow ups like "Why?" and "What about you? How would you answer the question?"
And in conversation, instead of talking about you “I’m this, I’m that,” make them talk about themselves “Tell me about this. Tell me about what you hope.” Open-ended questions elicit interesting responses. “I am interesting, and we talked about something I like, so now you seem interesting, too.” That's simple projection.
>Open ended questions usually fail. You're better off making interesting statements than you are actually asking questions. For instance: You look like you're from someplace very far away. vs. Where are you from?
"Where are you from?" is the exact opposite of an open ended question.
This was always impossible for me. So I always relied on friends introducing me to their other friends.
I was unnaturally afraid of having to build up my network of friends from scratch. This held me back from moving across the country early on to build my career.
I could have used some kind of mentor for social interactions or something.
Wallflowers stand by the wall because they are afraid of rendering themselves vulnerable, which is perhaps the most important element in building meaningful relationships in life. I don't know what's the root cause of this fragility but I agree it's systemic issue, and one that can quickly morph into something nastier i.e Troll culture, Redpill misogyny, Alt-right hate, and ethnic/religious fundamentalism in minority communities.
If you are heading out for a social event, take your good clothes to the gym, workout, shower and change there, then go straight to the event while you are feeling peppy and confident!
If they didn't want to be approached, they would find a way to leave the event or avoid it in the first place. A lot of times it is simple social anxiety. They are afraid that people will find out something about them; or rather, afraid that someone will confirm something they suspect about themselves (e.g., "I'm not interesting to other people.")
Those kinds of fears are generally unfounded, but it's difficult to prove to yourself that they're unfounded without actually interacting with people. But for those willing to interact with the wallflowers, they can be somewhat fearful of approaching someone with such a standoffish attitude, so it becomes a self-fulfilling feedback cycle.
Even just a little courage can go a long way. Walking across an open space can make you more approachable; for example, walking from somewhere on the edge of an activity like a dance to wherever beverages are being served can give others an opportunity to intercept you or approach you. It's not hard, it just takes some practice and the realization that the possibilities for negative consequences are much lower than the possibilities for positive outcomes.
No, they stand by the wall because it's anxiety-inducing to throw themselves into the thick of things. They want to be approached, just not surrounded. At least, that was how I always felt, before I started forcing myself to drift and mingle more.
There's the fear of not being able to keep going with smalltalk and such, but also the conflicting desire for interaction.
I think social anxiety and introversion look pretty similar from the outside. Some people who refuse to socialize at gatherings do it because they hate themselves and some do it because they hate everyone else. That's a simplification but you get the idea.
I disagree. I'm not a wallflower, but I go out a lot by myself ... standing with your back to the wall lets you kind of get into the vibe of the place while observing and assessing people (who do I want to talk to) without feeling overwhelmed, eventually I pick a high traffic location, and sometimes it might still involve having my back to a wall or a bar, but then I get to make short observations about people ... "nice shoes", "what drink is that?" ... or my personal favorite "hey!" ... and based on how they respond, I can either engage or just let the brief interaction die off, and wait for someone else I find interesting to walk by.
If you are at a venue that is culturally-agreed-on for the purpose of socializing, and you don't have headphones in, then you should either leave or accept that folks might try to socialize with you.
To state the obvious: Of course you can only make friends when you talk to people. However, most people who want to make friends probably only want to engage in activities that have a moderate to high likelihood of producing friendships.
Now, how many of the people the wallflowers aren't talking to do actually seek any new friends? For one thing, many people want to enjoy a given event with their friends (and only their friends) whom they've brought to the event. That's often the case at concerts or clubs, in my experience. For another thing, people today are highly mobile and - thanks to their smartphone - in constant contact with their "old" friends so that the set of people they really care about doesn't change much anymore after school. After classes at my uni, for example, many fellow students would drive up to 100km home to live with their partners or to hang out with pre-uni friends. Among the rest, "friendships" existed mostly for learning and partying and thus didn't evolve to something deeper.
Social anxiety is not a thing that you either have or you don't. Everyone has social anxiety to varying degrees. To claim that people with social anxiety don't live as full or enjoyable lives as everyone else is just plain wrong. What is a "full and enjoyable life"? Is it having an average amount of social anxiety? But then you don't get to do all the cool shit that the people with very minimal social anxiety do. Is it having minimal social anxiety? But then you might end up doing things that you'll regret later i.e. having your silly picture/video go viral and then you might even end up developing social anxiety as a result of the entire world/country/city knowing your embarassing moment.
While gen-pop frequently abuses the word 'literal', you kind of hope that actual authors wouldn't:
> There’s a moment in your book that I love, when you give advice to awkward people looking for social shortcuts, and you tell them not to be literal wallflowers.
The anecdotal clarification there is that people in dormitories should ensure they are near the entrance -- precise details not provided.
The word "literal" here is slightly more complicated than in the usual commonplace misuse of the word.
The author is trying to distinguish between "wallflower" the "socially awkward person" and "wallflower" the "person who stands near a wall". They are using a slightly more literal definition, but not the most literal (i.e. the plant).
The justification is that "being near the wall" =/= "being in a high-traffic area".
I'm a stickler for appropriate use of literal/figurative, and I think it was used correctly here. In addition to the clarifying effect mentioned by other posters, the literal use of the word "wall" is being emphasized. No, you're not a literal flower on the wall, but you are a "wallflower" (figurative) that is standing by a wall (literal). Applying "literal" to half a compound word is unusual, but I can't think of a better way to phrase the concept.
[+] [-] rb808|8 years ago|reply
If you go to a place where you're by yourself and aren't talking to people you aren't a wallflower, you just didn't prepare.
[+] [-] hkmurakami|8 years ago|reply
Also you form actual friendships from time to time.
[+] [-] pasbesoin|8 years ago|reply
Additionally, and primarily, I was so stressed and not feeling good about myself, that I felt awkward in conversations. The questions about immediate life; well, my answers -- and I've always had trouble dissembling -- were not "good" and "cheerful."
This all becomes more and more of a Catch 22. You're not doing well. Your social life dwindles. You feel worse for the lack of a social life and engagement.
And, those social engagements you do have, can take on too much meaning. Too much import. And you choke.
So... Look at sources of (negative) stress in your life. And minimize them where you can't eliminate them. This isn't some mantra to "feel better" (in the face of reality). This is an action plan. Not always an easy one, but where you can identify problems and -- hopefully -- solutions.
My best wishes to everyone who faces this.
[+] [-] danenania|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] blablabla123|8 years ago|reply
The truth is: many of the "most likeable" people - young or old - spend most of their time alone. Alone at their desk, alone at home, alone in the car. It seems society is just an actual society at School and University, afterwards people become loners. As a matter of fact many people even die more or less alone, no matter if the career was successful or not.
[+] [-] dghughes|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] unknown|8 years ago|reply
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[+] [-] RichardHeart|8 years ago|reply
Open ended questions usually fail. You're better off making interesting statements than you are actually asking questions. For instance: You look like you're from someplace very far away. vs. Where are you from?
Open ended questions are pretty garbage unless someone is already attracted to you, and used to being conversational. Interrogations aren't fun.
[+] [-] engx|8 years ago|reply
Better to have traveled out of the country a few times so you can relate.
Best advice is to talk about doing something. This art museum, this meetup, this new great restaurant. "Oh join me and my other friends. Or let's go explore together." You can kind of bluff your way through this even if you have no other friends (go find them!).
[+] [-] maroonblazer|8 years ago|reply
It seems like there's a lot of evidence that people like talking about themselves. Also, questions invite engagement where 'interesting statements' don't, necessarily.
I think 'interesting questions' are a good route to go. Knowing a bit of philosophy helps here. E.g. "In a brain transplant would you rather be the donor or the recipient?" or "Should child-sized sex robots be legal?" Because regardless of the answer it invites follow ups like "Why?" and "What about you? How would you answer the question?"
[+] [-] vpresident|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] BeetleB|8 years ago|reply
"Where are you from?" is the exact opposite of an open ended question.
[+] [-] Isamu|8 years ago|reply
I was unnaturally afraid of having to build up my network of friends from scratch. This held me back from moving across the country early on to build my career.
I could have used some kind of mentor for social interactions or something.
[+] [-] unionjack22|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] RichardHeart|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] learn_more|8 years ago|reply
If you are heading out for a social event, take your good clothes to the gym, workout, shower and change there, then go straight to the event while you are feeling peppy and confident!
[+] [-] probablybroken|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] empath75|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] sverige|8 years ago|reply
Those kinds of fears are generally unfounded, but it's difficult to prove to yourself that they're unfounded without actually interacting with people. But for those willing to interact with the wallflowers, they can be somewhat fearful of approaching someone with such a standoffish attitude, so it becomes a self-fulfilling feedback cycle.
Even just a little courage can go a long way. Walking across an open space can make you more approachable; for example, walking from somewhere on the edge of an activity like a dance to wherever beverages are being served can give others an opportunity to intercept you or approach you. It's not hard, it just takes some practice and the realization that the possibilities for negative consequences are much lower than the possibilities for positive outcomes.
[+] [-] tomcooks|8 years ago|reply
As a wallflower I wish people would start conversations with socially inept people like me and help them ease in public outings
[+] [-] khedoros1|8 years ago|reply
There's the fear of not being able to keep going with smalltalk and such, but also the conflicting desire for interaction.
[+] [-] tootie|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] trustfundbaby|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] afarrell|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] cJ0th|8 years ago|reply
Now, how many of the people the wallflowers aren't talking to do actually seek any new friends? For one thing, many people want to enjoy a given event with their friends (and only their friends) whom they've brought to the event. That's often the case at concerts or clubs, in my experience. For another thing, people today are highly mobile and - thanks to their smartphone - in constant contact with their "old" friends so that the set of people they really care about doesn't change much anymore after school. After classes at my uni, for example, many fellow students would drive up to 100km home to live with their partners or to hang out with pre-uni friends. Among the rest, "friendships" existed mostly for learning and partying and thus didn't evolve to something deeper.
[+] [-] cryoshon|8 years ago|reply
1. wallflowers do make friends
and
2. being awkward is not, as the psychologist in the article claims, awesome.
but
3. wallflowers make friends in spite of being awkward
but finally
4. people with social anxiety don't live as full or enjoyable lives as everyone else, which sucks
[+] [-] lapsock|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] d33|8 years ago|reply
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[+] [-] Jedd|8 years ago|reply
> There’s a moment in your book that I love, when you give advice to awkward people looking for social shortcuts, and you tell them not to be literal wallflowers.
The anecdotal clarification there is that people in dormitories should ensure they are near the entrance -- precise details not provided.
[+] [-] thetmkay|8 years ago|reply
The author is trying to distinguish between "wallflower" the "socially awkward person" and "wallflower" the "person who stands near a wall". They are using a slightly more literal definition, but not the most literal (i.e. the plant).
The justification is that "being near the wall" =/= "being in a high-traffic area".
[+] [-] coldtea|8 years ago|reply
"4. in effect; in substance; very nearly; virtually: I literally died when she walked out on stage in that costume."
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