During one of the happier periods of my life, I lived by myself in a small but very nice apartment. I had a girlfriend, but we didn't live together. We'd hang out on the weekends a lot and maybe one weeknight out of the work week.
I really found this to be an excellent balance. I had a space that I was proud of and had complete control over, eliminating entire categories of possible conflicts in life. I had plenty of time for my own pursuits. I was in a very meaningful relationship. I went into the weekends excited to see people, and I went into the workweek feeling socially fulfilled and ready to be productive.
This is a very difficult balance to maintain. Indeed, it's almost impossible. Most relationships either end or progress to the point of living together. In fact, most folks would say there's something "wrong" with a relationship if the couple has been together for years but chooses not to live together.
I think I do need more human interaction than I've sometimes gotten, but what you described really sounds pretty nice. I seem to get worn out from too much alone time and from too much socializing, but get worn out faster from socializing.
A few years ago I decide to try out the whole digital nomad lifestyle thing. I was able to see lots of interesting places, but what I didn't account for was how much of an introvert I am. Most of the celebrity nomad travelers seem to be pretty outgoing and I couldn't figure out where they were finding all of these people they met.
Part of it might have been my strange preference for colder climates, but I spent an entire month in Vilnius Lithuania without talking to hardly anyone. The language barrier probably didn't help either. My time was spent riding the bus, wandering the city, and working in coffee shops.
I've read accounts of other people who had experiences like this and how much they hated it, and while it was sometimes lonely, I do think I learned quite a bit about myself from the experience. Spending so much time alone meant a lot of time to think and reflect, and I think I was able to figure out some things about myself and work on bad habits that people who have lots of other people in their lives might not get a chance to or might not think about.
Some people just need more or less human interaction than others. There is a really good book called Quiet by Susan Cain that is a defense of introversion that was really helpful for me.
I have lived with my girlfriend for around 5 years, but recently took a job in a different city. I have been living away during the week and it has been very much as you describe. I'm not sure she sees it that way though.
After periods off social and asocial life, I feel that there's a part of your mind that needs alter(s) (as opposed to ego/self), if that part is satisfied (baby, girlfriend) you won't need much socialization. If you don't have alter, the ego can be your main motivation. I've gone very long periods alone because I was happy doing something I enjoyed for me (music, cs, whatever). But, this may be detrimental at some point, I think whether we admit/want it or not, the alter/social part of our brains needs to be refilled. For instance, even though I was bored, anxious and somehow hated (as in sitting in a corner waiting for an hour at one point) attending some birthday a few years ago, the morning after I woke up a little happier; I don't think it's unrelated.
I once sat down and listed everything I wanted to do that don't really require other people. Not like "watch this TV show", but REALLY want to do. Learning some topics, traveling to certain places, some software projects, etc.
My list is very, very, VERY long (and includes some long term things), and I'd have to live a few hundred years to do it all. That's if I had no social life whatsoever. I took several sabbaticals (including a 2 years one), long vacations, etc. I can't even dent the list.
Ive been married for years and I'm very happy, mainly my wife is absolutely awesome, but even before meeting her I did just fine for almost a decade alone (I lived alone and didn't really go out to social events. By choice. Because of that long list. Too much I want to do!).
Now we have a lot of mutual friends, go out, lots of events, etc. But when I'm thinking of vacations, all I want to do is stay home with headphones on for 2 weeks without anyone talking to me. I could easily do it for years: I have before. If something was to happen and I ended up single, I'd probably just do that until I'm too old to take care of myself.
I live with a roommate. We're friends. He's like the only "social life" I have and it's not much. Just work at restaurant, work at home (web).
Often I'm fueled by the drive of escaping poverty. Sometimes though I actually feel bored. I just stop and lose momentum. Binge eat, pass out, feel bad at lack of progress. Like what is my life for? What do I enjoy?
I dream of working/living in a city but I'm also afraid of crowds/new people haha.
I don't know I want to be exposed to nature more like seeing grass, feeling heat, blue sky... I just spend most of my time in a box staring at screens. There is always something on, music, some show/movie.
I used to live in a fraternity house and was not really the cool guy I don't know throughout school I just wanted to be cool/fit in. I don't know I wasted a lot of time/money made a hole for myself.
After I crashed my car a few years back (nothing major just broke a tie rod), I didn't fix it. I became unemployed and I enjoyed the freedom of sleeping/waking whenever. This was also when I tainted myself financially and now (future) I realize my mistake.
I then committed myself to learning webdev. This thought of building high traffic websites and getting rich entered my mind (did not happen). I guess I couldn't commit to school. Man time flies. So yeah that's what I pursue, freedom.
Probably a negative thought but the one thing I notice in conversations is it immediately turns to "me" and it's prevalent in many places particularly YouTube comments.
Give me attention sort of thing. (I'm guilty of this too) but you're talking to someone and they immediately turn it to about themselves/compare/bigger-better than your thing.
Of course the YouTube comments section isn't a great source of examples in civil society. Maybe this is what conversing is, relating one's experience to others to show comprehension/care.
If the downsides are depression and misery, all the upsides are irrelevant.
> I calculated that, on average, I was spending 22 hours or more each week on social activities.
This is the premise the article builds upon, and IMO it's already a bit too much. I've done both: go out every night and don't go out for a noticeable enough period. Both are bad, both are draining. Even if going out means stepping outside your comfort zone, you should do it.
> 5 - You'll save a ton of money on drinks, restaurants, and travel.
Not all of these are equivalent in value and not all are that expensive. The expenses are usually negligible compared to other stuff mortgages, leases etc (depending on tastes, but usually holds for tech people).
Kind of reminds me when I lived on my own for a while, I really started liking my own company and reading, watching stuff, staying up late and generally doing what I felt I liked best. It wasn't negative really I'd just go to the gym, bake a cake, watch a few documentaries, attempt to learn some code, it was overall a nice experience.
Then I realised that I was liking my own company too much and people weren't all they were cracked up to be. I thought for my own mental health it was best to break this deadlock and start integrating myself more with friends.
Your experience seems related to my issue ever since I left college.
I really enjoy my personal time and relish the idea of coming home on a Friday with no social plans or obligations, so that I can do my own thing, read, or program some personal projects. I highly value learning, and it is hard for me to be disciplined if I'm being social during the week. So sometimes I just keep to myself all week. I exercise after work, come home and make a nice dinner, program and read about the things I love, and I love doing this.
My problem is that after doing this for extended periods of time, I actually start to get sad and feel like I'm constantly optimizing my life for nothing, because what's the point of life if you don't share it with others? So then I switch gears and try to be as social as possible, and start enjoying life as I meet new people and come home late at night after an epic outing with my friends, laying down in my bed feeling happy and satisfied with my decisions (a significant part of this feeling is being drunk for sure). And slowly but surely, the feeling comes creeping up: I've lost touch with who I am, everything I learned weeks ago was for nothing because now I'm forgetting it, and I'm wasting my time and hurting my future by being too social.
I guess it's just hard for me to strike a balance. I think I like to go all in on things and so I feel like this chronic teeter-totter is going to be my life for a while.
Incomplete story? Not sure you make a strong case for "for my own mental health its best", cause it sounded like things were quite good.
Personally, I'm a micro-social-er. I joke with my son (and now, girlfriend) that we have an empty restaurant habit. I see and interact with people in my (admittedly) pretty regimented lifestyle (gym 1 or gym 2, daily trips to grocery stores 'cause i cook most of my foods, etc), movies alone, etc.
I find socializing to be kind of like carbs... they're free and plentiful in the world. You can usually find someone to do something sometime in the next two weeks.
Where people seem to fall apart on this is when they get a sense, on a Thursday, that they NEED to socialize the next day and can't lock in a participant. But that seems like poor planning more than, "I've been abandoned".
And I am repeating the experience : I have just moved to another continent. I am not the most social person ever but once I will be settled in (there are a ton of formalities in order to get an SSN, open a bank account, rent a place, etc), I will make sure to subscribe to yoga, cooking classes or whatever else I find interesting in order to ease myself into this new place and try to meet new people.
BTW advice on meeting new people in the US/Cali is welcome.
I can function with very minimal social interactions, but on the long run I find it a very boring and unsatisfactory life.
So I have been pushing myself more and more to go out and meet new people.
I've found that most of the time I'm good with my own company, but after about 3 days I need some substantive social interaction for best mental health. Exercise can sometimes be an effective substitute, though.
> Doing nothing can be as equally energising as time out spent with people, and is in fact necessary in order to recharge, says Pedro Diaz, CEO of the Workplace Mental Health Institute in Sydney.
Hmm, who's this guy?
> Driven by an obsession for better outcomes in workplace mental health, Pedro Diaz founded The Workplace Mental Health Institute as a boutique educational resource for managers serious about creating immediate and sustainable changes for their organisation’s mental health.
What's a "boutique educational resource"? That's a phrase I've never in my days encountered.
This article is stating nothing but the obvious: that living by a calendar maniacally filled to bursting is not the road to happiness.
> "We find that people who are dual-centric tend to be healthier, do better at work and do better at home," says Galinsky [co-founder of the Families and Work Institute].
"Dual-centric" apparently means "not monomaniacal."
For some reason some people here seem to equate having social life with going on night long parties, for me social life is riding a bike at 6 am with my best friends and stopping for a cup of coffee along the ride and have a good conversation, playing soccer on weekends with a bunch of people. You don’t need to go dancing and drinking at 1 am at a night club to have social life.
Like most things in life, moderation is probably the wisest path... I have had a very limited social life for the past 5 years. Working from home, putting most of my energy into my work and family. The work was a success... the company grew and got sold. The family did just OK. Personally, I have no friends left because I stopped seeing them. I stopped going to kung fu classes. I just stopped doing things, like the article said. And 5 years later, I find myself realizing that yes, there were upsides to being at home and working... but I do not think I am a better person for it. I actually think I'm kinda boring and quite stagnant, and it is a bit of a letdown to have to come to terms with that.
So a few weeks or a month of that sounds fine. But again... moderation in all things. (Don't be like me.)
Depends on the kind of person you are. While I love getting along with people and making acquaintances, I am extremely introverted by nature. I just spent two weeks essentially by myself, and it was a GODSEND. Others that rely on friends probably would think otherwise.
I attribute my feelings from growing up as an only child, but I absolutely love doing things by myself. I prefer traveling by myself, doing hobbies by myself, going to the theater by myself. All of those things may seem lonely to others, but honestly, it works for me.
Welcome to adulthood. This is how it looks like for many grown up people for whom social duties are a chore and who prefer career, time alone and early sleep.
I'm seeing a lot of one-to-one connections being made between social activities and social obligations. Weddings can be torture and less of a choice. Parties can be fun or torture and are optional. Nobody's ever said "Man I'm so happy at this point in my life. I've been to 6 weddings this month!". On the other hand, my summer has been one of the best in recent memory due in no small part to the people I've spent it with in varying capacities. Solitude is super important sometimes, but so is human interaction with different people. Not for everyone of course. I think it helps to modulate your social investments. Maybe you don't want to go to parties, weddings, socials, birthdays, whatever. Fine. Fuck them. Empower yourself to say fuck them. If all you're doing socially is keeping up appearances, then you'll be miserable. Try taking one person that you value out for coffee once a week. Not the same person every week at the same time. Vary it.
I can relate to the notion of 'deep work' benefiting from solitude. I think I am odd in that I love company and have lots of friends due to growing up where I live, but I spend very little time with them. This became a conscience choice in my late 20s and led me to develop a lot of skills (guitar, penmanship, running/swimming/biking, reading, mountaineering, etc...) which, oddly, make the time I spend with people richer (I think).
As with most things, it seems like the best advice is to do what works for you. I have friends that go stir-crazy without some nightly social interaction, whereas I would rather delve in to personal endeavors on my own. I don't think either one is 'better' in any sort of existential way.
That said, it is amazing how many people who socialize regularly are constantly complaining about how unfulfilling social functions are.
One thing to take into account is the quality of ones potential associates.
I could share an apartment with my best friend (we deployed together so we’ve lived in close proximity) and be happy but if I had to suffer just one evening a week with people who weren’t great friends I think I’d be a lot less happy.
Since moving to CA I am having trouble building up a social circle. I am fine doing things alone and often enjoy it but what I miss is new things you can do and learn through friends. Things I wouldn't have the opportunity by myself. Like when someone has a sailing boat and takes you for a trip, or you can go with someone to a concert backstage or drive an expensive car. I definitely miss that.
I do a compromise - when I work I am isolated, 100% focused, then I throw a big party with a lot of diverse people (artists, technologists, regular folks) and get my socialization fun as well. I love cooperating with other super capable people (that is very rare due to societal push for stupid competition) but can do world-class stuff on my own as well when no other option is available.
monk mode good mode - no need to be social, it will come as a reflection to how you are with yourself. Faking it for the sake of conformism is going to eat at your core.
This is how I've been living my life for years now. It's not all sunshine and rainbows (we can't live without other humans), but I've found myself far happier and exceedingly productive.
[+] [-] nilkn|8 years ago|reply
I really found this to be an excellent balance. I had a space that I was proud of and had complete control over, eliminating entire categories of possible conflicts in life. I had plenty of time for my own pursuits. I was in a very meaningful relationship. I went into the weekends excited to see people, and I went into the workweek feeling socially fulfilled and ready to be productive.
This is a very difficult balance to maintain. Indeed, it's almost impossible. Most relationships either end or progress to the point of living together. In fact, most folks would say there's something "wrong" with a relationship if the couple has been together for years but chooses not to live together.
[+] [-] davidscolgan|8 years ago|reply
A few years ago I decide to try out the whole digital nomad lifestyle thing. I was able to see lots of interesting places, but what I didn't account for was how much of an introvert I am. Most of the celebrity nomad travelers seem to be pretty outgoing and I couldn't figure out where they were finding all of these people they met.
Part of it might have been my strange preference for colder climates, but I spent an entire month in Vilnius Lithuania without talking to hardly anyone. The language barrier probably didn't help either. My time was spent riding the bus, wandering the city, and working in coffee shops.
I've read accounts of other people who had experiences like this and how much they hated it, and while it was sometimes lonely, I do think I learned quite a bit about myself from the experience. Spending so much time alone meant a lot of time to think and reflect, and I think I was able to figure out some things about myself and work on bad habits that people who have lots of other people in their lives might not get a chance to or might not think about.
Some people just need more or less human interaction than others. There is a really good book called Quiet by Susan Cain that is a defense of introversion that was really helpful for me.
[+] [-] PoachedSausage|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] agumonkey|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] pavel_lishin|8 years ago|reply
Especially if you're going to have children.
[+] [-] xenihn|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] tlarkworthy|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] scandox|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] burntrelish1273|8 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] shados|8 years ago|reply
My list is very, very, VERY long (and includes some long term things), and I'd have to live a few hundred years to do it all. That's if I had no social life whatsoever. I took several sabbaticals (including a 2 years one), long vacations, etc. I can't even dent the list.
Ive been married for years and I'm very happy, mainly my wife is absolutely awesome, but even before meeting her I did just fine for almost a decade alone (I lived alone and didn't really go out to social events. By choice. Because of that long list. Too much I want to do!).
Now we have a lot of mutual friends, go out, lots of events, etc. But when I'm thinking of vacations, all I want to do is stay home with headphones on for 2 weeks without anyone talking to me. I could easily do it for years: I have before. If something was to happen and I ended up single, I'd probably just do that until I'm too old to take care of myself.
[+] [-] jcun4128|8 years ago|reply
Often I'm fueled by the drive of escaping poverty. Sometimes though I actually feel bored. I just stop and lose momentum. Binge eat, pass out, feel bad at lack of progress. Like what is my life for? What do I enjoy?
I dream of working/living in a city but I'm also afraid of crowds/new people haha.
I don't know I want to be exposed to nature more like seeing grass, feeling heat, blue sky... I just spend most of my time in a box staring at screens. There is always something on, music, some show/movie.
I used to live in a fraternity house and was not really the cool guy I don't know throughout school I just wanted to be cool/fit in. I don't know I wasted a lot of time/money made a hole for myself.
After I crashed my car a few years back (nothing major just broke a tie rod), I didn't fix it. I became unemployed and I enjoyed the freedom of sleeping/waking whenever. This was also when I tainted myself financially and now (future) I realize my mistake.
I then committed myself to learning webdev. This thought of building high traffic websites and getting rich entered my mind (did not happen). I guess I couldn't commit to school. Man time flies. So yeah that's what I pursue, freedom.
[+] [-] jcun4128|8 years ago|reply
Give me attention sort of thing. (I'm guilty of this too) but you're talking to someone and they immediately turn it to about themselves/compare/bigger-better than your thing.
Of course the YouTube comments section isn't a great source of examples in civil society. Maybe this is what conversing is, relating one's experience to others to show comprehension/care.
I just did it here with my initial response haha.
[+] [-] pmoriarty|8 years ago|reply
2 - You can do what you want, when you want.
3 - You don't have to worry about pleasing people, or not offending them.
4 - You don't have to attend any boring social functions.
5 - You'll save a ton of money on drinks, restaurants, and travel.
6 - You could learn a lot more, if that's what you choose to do with all your extra free time.
There are downsides too, of course, but this thread is about the upsides.
[+] [-] cimi_|8 years ago|reply
> I calculated that, on average, I was spending 22 hours or more each week on social activities.
This is the premise the article builds upon, and IMO it's already a bit too much. I've done both: go out every night and don't go out for a noticeable enough period. Both are bad, both are draining. Even if going out means stepping outside your comfort zone, you should do it.
> 5 - You'll save a ton of money on drinks, restaurants, and travel.
Not all of these are equivalent in value and not all are that expensive. The expenses are usually negligible compared to other stuff mortgages, leases etc (depending on tastes, but usually holds for tech people).
[+] [-] usaphp|8 years ago|reply
How does having social life prevents you from doing what you want and when you want?
[+] [-] jandrese|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] CharlesDodgson|8 years ago|reply
Then I realised that I was liking my own company too much and people weren't all they were cracked up to be. I thought for my own mental health it was best to break this deadlock and start integrating myself more with friends.
[+] [-] DarkTree|8 years ago|reply
I really enjoy my personal time and relish the idea of coming home on a Friday with no social plans or obligations, so that I can do my own thing, read, or program some personal projects. I highly value learning, and it is hard for me to be disciplined if I'm being social during the week. So sometimes I just keep to myself all week. I exercise after work, come home and make a nice dinner, program and read about the things I love, and I love doing this.
My problem is that after doing this for extended periods of time, I actually start to get sad and feel like I'm constantly optimizing my life for nothing, because what's the point of life if you don't share it with others? So then I switch gears and try to be as social as possible, and start enjoying life as I meet new people and come home late at night after an epic outing with my friends, laying down in my bed feeling happy and satisfied with my decisions (a significant part of this feeling is being drunk for sure). And slowly but surely, the feeling comes creeping up: I've lost touch with who I am, everything I learned weeks ago was for nothing because now I'm forgetting it, and I'm wasting my time and hurting my future by being too social.
I guess it's just hard for me to strike a balance. I think I like to go all in on things and so I feel like this chronic teeter-totter is going to be my life for a while.
[+] [-] browningstreet|8 years ago|reply
Personally, I'm a micro-social-er. I joke with my son (and now, girlfriend) that we have an empty restaurant habit. I see and interact with people in my (admittedly) pretty regimented lifestyle (gym 1 or gym 2, daily trips to grocery stores 'cause i cook most of my foods, etc), movies alone, etc.
I find socializing to be kind of like carbs... they're free and plentiful in the world. You can usually find someone to do something sometime in the next two weeks.
Where people seem to fall apart on this is when they get a sense, on a Thursday, that they NEED to socialize the next day and can't lock in a participant. But that seems like poor planning more than, "I've been abandoned".
[+] [-] on_and_off|8 years ago|reply
And I am repeating the experience : I have just moved to another continent. I am not the most social person ever but once I will be settled in (there are a ton of formalities in order to get an SSN, open a bank account, rent a place, etc), I will make sure to subscribe to yoga, cooking classes or whatever else I find interesting in order to ease myself into this new place and try to meet new people.
BTW advice on meeting new people in the US/Cali is welcome.
I can function with very minimal social interactions, but on the long run I find it a very boring and unsatisfactory life.
So I have been pushing myself more and more to go out and meet new people.
[+] [-] xirdstl|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bykovich2|8 years ago|reply
Hmm, who's this guy?
> Driven by an obsession for better outcomes in workplace mental health, Pedro Diaz founded The Workplace Mental Health Institute as a boutique educational resource for managers serious about creating immediate and sustainable changes for their organisation’s mental health.
What's a "boutique educational resource"? That's a phrase I've never in my days encountered.
This article is stating nothing but the obvious: that living by a calendar maniacally filled to bursting is not the road to happiness.
> "We find that people who are dual-centric tend to be healthier, do better at work and do better at home," says Galinsky [co-founder of the Families and Work Institute].
"Dual-centric" apparently means "not monomaniacal."
[+] [-] usaphp|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] gcbw2|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] codingdave|8 years ago|reply
So a few weeks or a month of that sounds fine. But again... moderation in all things. (Don't be like me.)
[+] [-] nunez|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] jarjoura|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] chewz|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] brailsafe|8 years ago|reply
Well... that's my pocket of change.
[+] [-] Fezzik|8 years ago|reply
As with most things, it seems like the best advice is to do what works for you. I have friends that go stir-crazy without some nightly social interaction, whereas I would rather delve in to personal endeavors on my own. I don't think either one is 'better' in any sort of existential way.
That said, it is amazing how many people who socialize regularly are constantly complaining about how unfulfilling social functions are.
[+] [-] ryanmarsh|8 years ago|reply
I could share an apartment with my best friend (we deployed together so we’ve lived in close proximity) and be happy but if I had to suffer just one evening a week with people who weren’t great friends I think I’d be a lot less happy.
[+] [-] maxxxxx|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Boothroid|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bitL|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] KGIII|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] throw912323|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] callesgg|8 years ago|reply
I often get envious of people having that much social time.
But the fact is that I would not be able to cope with it. Talking to people and having good interesting conversations is extremely energy intensive.
[+] [-] owebmaster|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] WhoIsSatoshi|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] rglover|8 years ago|reply
[+] [-] eradicatethots|8 years ago|reply