That was a beautiful post and really hit home in a weird day. Both my parents are getting old enough for me to worry about their health and I feel like I still haven't accomplished anything worthwhile. Sure I have a house/car/career etc. but just for once, I want to make them proud by doing something big. I've had about 3 hours of my 15-minutes of fame but nothing solid to rely on, like a stable startup or research career. The weird part is I feel a large part of my motivation comes from my desire to prove to them that they raised a good kid. I can't even imagine pushing myself to accomplish something if they aren't there to witness it. I just lost my grandpa last month and my dad expressed a very similar sentiment about him always trying to be the best son to his dad.
Thanks Alexis for sharing this. You're a good man.
I thought you were exaggerating. You were not. Thanks for sharing this Alexis, I'm in rather similar position right now, except only my dog died. Girlfriend's mom has MS and is paralyzed from neck down for the last two and a half years and recession hit so hard I can barely pay bills. I'll keep calm and carry on.
After focusing so much on the ones and zeroes, posts like this snap us back to all that really matters: other people.
In the past year, I have made dramatic changes in my life, both personal and business, for one reason: so that I can spend time with my mother who is suffering from severe dementia. We watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune every night together. I yell out all the answers and she laughs, not caring whether they're right or wrong.
Before she started slipping away last year, she told me 2 things:
"From the moment I first saw you, I knew I would love you unconditionally forever."
Wow...I watched the same two shows with my mom. She spent much of her last year in the hospital. Except for an ice storm and one or two other days, every evening she was there, so was I.
I can tell you from experience that after she's gone, you will be very, very glad that you took the time.
Amazing. The moral of the story is that having an exceptionally independent, driving job like a startup actually makes you better at weathering crises.
Pretty counter-intuitive. One would think that having more stability and security in the background would free up one's mind to be able to help and cope and the like. But it makes a lot of sense that the opposite is true. Even in the midst of crises, you don't want your life to be entirely about crisis management. A large dose of of independence and drive helps a lot with that. Being able to travel and still work helps. Feeling like you're still doing something that matters to you helps even more.
It no doubt depends on the person, but for a community of startupfounders (or aspiring ones) I hope it resonates. There are surely examples of "big scary generic companies" handling this kind of ordeal (when it happens to their employees) well -- what's worth noting is that I didn't need an income to support either of my parents. None of us took any salary until reddit was acquired, so it'd have been much more difficult if my mother didn't have great health insurance (she worked at a hospital within the Johns Hopkins administration and had fortuitously recently signed up for the premium plan).
As an interesting comparison, my dad's a small business owner (travel agency, where he's had 1-2 employees) in a rather unsexy industry, but having a rockstar employee meant he could make every trip to the hospital with my mom.
I got so much of my independence because my dad was able to be the advocate & caretaker for my mom (not enough is said about how much these people go through - obviously it's not as awful as being the victim, but it's still incredibly trying). But I'm certain being his own boss (and having a fantastic team) made his awesomeness for my mom possible.
"The moral of the story is that having an exceptionally independent, driving job like a startup actually makes you better at weathering crises."
In this case yes, but it's anecdotal evidence to say the least. He was involved in a rapidly growing, popular and revenue-generating start-up, this last point being the key. If you're involved in start-up that's struggling or pre-rev, then I imagine the story would be quite different.
My dad died of Glioblastoma when I was a teenager. He first noticed it as a sudden worsening of vision, followed by a breakdown of spatial relationships. My mom's boyfriend's best friend died of it too.
It's a horrible disease and the worst part about it is that it always comes back. Surgery and treatment might buy you 5 good years if you catch it early and it isn't as malignant. But it will always come back and kill you.
If anyone has any illusions that human personalities are made of more than the meat in our heads, watching someone die of a brain tumor will disabuse you of them. Bits of them disappear, and the remaining bits misfire and overcompensate for the bits that aren't there.
For anyone reading this, if your vision suddenly gets worse, don't just get new glasses. Go see a doctor. Most of our brain is devoted to visual processing, and if something isn't right it usually manifests there first.
Thanks for the advice. My vision suddenly dropped out about two weeks ago. Hopefully I'll have health insurance in the next month and will be able to go to the doctor.
I've never met Alexis in person but I E-mailed him for startup advice several times over the years (including the tough months that he mentions in this post).
He always responded with a chipper E-mail and very helpful advice on everything from accounting to licensing agreements to acquisitions.
Only you never listened to me when I advised you to give me 51% of the equity in fleaf[l]icker!
But seriously, that's the magic of email, right? I'm just glad I was helpful. I only wish I had little elves who could help me get through my email faster...
I only ever interacted with Alexis on a pre-reddit gaming forum and we didn't get along at all. All I've seen of reddit-founder Alexis suggests he's a standup guy though.
I may have been a little too self-righteous back then. Sorry!
My uncle, who was like a second father to me, died from a class IV Glioblastoma multiforme a few months ago. I spent about a week in the hospital with him and the family (we spent xmas in the hospital, actually). He was 60, played hockey every week, super healthy, super smart, loved life.
Within two months of being diagnosed he was dead. He first had a seizure playing hockey and evrybody thought it was a stroke or an aneurysm. A month later he lost control over half of his body, then went in and out of coma for the final week... I had a chance to talk to him and hold his hand, tell him how important he was for me and all that stuff that we never tell each other. He could understand what we said, but had a hard time communicating... And then he was gone.
Terrible disease.
I'm getting married in 4 days, and we've decided to give money to charities working on cancer in the name of the wedding guests. We figured it was better than spending the money on chocolates or whatever (though we also have some of those).
This very much echoes my own personal experience. My father was diagnosed with a terminal disease when I was high school. At the time he was given two years to survive. But my father is a fighter and he found a cocktail of food supplements that has allowed him to survive for 17 years now. After college, I have found that startup life provided both an outlet when I needed to hide from the world and offered the flexibility to be there for my family when that was required -- with all the overtime I normally put in no boss I've ever had gave me crap about taking time away or working remotely when needed.
I'm really happy to see this subject getting attention in the tech community. Caregiving is hard and can be a huge strain on families and caregivers. That's why I became the first employee at caring.com when the opportunity came my way. Being able to apply my technical expertise to such a personal subject and hopefully help make some peoples lives go a little smoother during one of the roughest periods of their lives is immensely satisfying.
Throws into sharp relief the regular stories we see of startups floundering after a few weeks/months for "personal reasons".
One takeaway from this that I saw was that having awesome co-founders is a must (as in the case of Reddit). Obviously this was a terrible time for Alexis; but I imagine it was a bit scary for the co-founders as well - not knowing if he would be about and in what state.
Not knowing anything about your problems, please don't consider my one story as a litmus test for 'life problems.' Everyone has them and mine look petty in the light of most people's (thinking on a global scale here). Just know that having something/someone you can invest your time & energy into can be incredibly fulfilling (and distracting, when you need it).
Alexis, I always felt that even though you weren't the coder, your personality was critical to Reddit's success and is indelibly stamped all over the site's comments and their sense of humour. Just as PG formed the soul of news.YC, so you and Steve formed the soul of Reddit.
To know that you managed to imprint the humour and affection that I see there now through all of this only makes me more impressed.
"If you happened to meet me during that time, you probably wouldn't have known it."
Had no idea. Later when I read about this (mentioned on some earlier post too) and the scaling issues the team was battling with at the time, I came to appreciate getting the chance to visit Reddit even more.
This is a truly valuable contribution to the startup community--as inspiring as it is devastating. We should all aspire to such courage, motivation, and good intentions in the work we do ourselves.
Man that hurts, it reminds me of 'The Boxer' by Simon and Garfunkel. Much respect for hanging in there, and just when I was thinking you should post a picture of your mom you did.
This has been said before and better here and elsewhere, but thanks for sharing your story Alexis, very inspiring and moving. Perseverance like yours is sensational.
That iconic photo of the London library after a Blitz attack was a postcard I bought many years ago while studying abroad in the UK. I don't recall why I bought it, but I've kept it on the wall at my desk everywhere I've gone. There's something so wonderfully powerful about seeing these men calmly perusing the library stacks amidst ruins from what was then a fairly routine bombing run at a time when it was far from clear that "the good guys" would win.
It's such a splendid 'fuck you' to the Nazis (or whomever your 'enemy' may be) to carry on living your life just as you were planning -- or better yet, enjoying it even more than you'd planned because it's in spite of the circumstances.
I've never been bombed, nor will I probably ever be, so it's always pretty easy to realize what kinda of life lottery ticket I've ended up with.
[+] [-] chime|15 years ago|reply
That was a beautiful post and really hit home in a weird day. Both my parents are getting old enough for me to worry about their health and I feel like I still haven't accomplished anything worthwhile. Sure I have a house/car/career etc. but just for once, I want to make them proud by doing something big. I've had about 3 hours of my 15-minutes of fame but nothing solid to rely on, like a stable startup or research career. The weird part is I feel a large part of my motivation comes from my desire to prove to them that they raised a good kid. I can't even imagine pushing myself to accomplish something if they aren't there to witness it. I just lost my grandpa last month and my dad expressed a very similar sentiment about him always trying to be the best son to his dad.
Thanks Alexis for sharing this. You're a good man.
[+] [-] Keyframe|15 years ago|reply
I thought you were exaggerating. You were not. Thanks for sharing this Alexis, I'm in rather similar position right now, except only my dog died. Girlfriend's mom has MS and is paralyzed from neck down for the last two and a half years and recession hit so hard I can barely pay bills. I'll keep calm and carry on.
[+] [-] rbanffy|15 years ago|reply
Seconded. And also thanks for sharing.
[+] [-] hartror|15 years ago|reply
Thirded
[+] [-] edw519|15 years ago|reply
In the past year, I have made dramatic changes in my life, both personal and business, for one reason: so that I can spend time with my mother who is suffering from severe dementia. We watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune every night together. I yell out all the answers and she laughs, not caring whether they're right or wrong.
Before she started slipping away last year, she told me 2 things:
"From the moment I first saw you, I knew I would love you unconditionally forever."
and
"I'm so proud of you."
Everything else from this point forward is gravy.
Thank you, Alexis.
[+] [-] DennisP|15 years ago|reply
I can tell you from experience that after she's gone, you will be very, very glad that you took the time.
[+] [-] mbateman|15 years ago|reply
Pretty counter-intuitive. One would think that having more stability and security in the background would free up one's mind to be able to help and cope and the like. But it makes a lot of sense that the opposite is true. Even in the midst of crises, you don't want your life to be entirely about crisis management. A large dose of of independence and drive helps a lot with that. Being able to travel and still work helps. Feeling like you're still doing something that matters to you helps even more.
[+] [-] kn0thing|15 years ago|reply
As an interesting comparison, my dad's a small business owner (travel agency, where he's had 1-2 employees) in a rather unsexy industry, but having a rockstar employee meant he could make every trip to the hospital with my mom.
I got so much of my independence because my dad was able to be the advocate & caretaker for my mom (not enough is said about how much these people go through - obviously it's not as awful as being the victim, but it's still incredibly trying). But I'm certain being his own boss (and having a fantastic team) made his awesomeness for my mom possible.
[+] [-] bobf|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] retube|15 years ago|reply
In this case yes, but it's anecdotal evidence to say the least. He was involved in a rapidly growing, popular and revenue-generating start-up, this last point being the key. If you're involved in start-up that's struggling or pre-rev, then I imagine the story would be quite different.
[+] [-] moultano|15 years ago|reply
It's a horrible disease and the worst part about it is that it always comes back. Surgery and treatment might buy you 5 good years if you catch it early and it isn't as malignant. But it will always come back and kill you.
If anyone has any illusions that human personalities are made of more than the meat in our heads, watching someone die of a brain tumor will disabuse you of them. Bits of them disappear, and the remaining bits misfire and overcompensate for the bits that aren't there.
For anyone reading this, if your vision suddenly gets worse, don't just get new glasses. Go see a doctor. Most of our brain is devoted to visual processing, and if something isn't right it usually manifests there first.
[+] [-] gaustin|15 years ago|reply
Definitely need to get this checked out...
[+] [-] fleaflicker|15 years ago|reply
He always responded with a chipper E-mail and very helpful advice on everything from accounting to licensing agreements to acquisitions.
[+] [-] kn0thing|15 years ago|reply
But seriously, that's the magic of email, right? I'm just glad I was helpful. I only wish I had little elves who could help me get through my email faster...
*edited to sound less naughty auf Deutsch
[+] [-] dpritchett|15 years ago|reply
I may have been a little too self-righteous back then. Sorry!
[+] [-] MikeCapone|15 years ago|reply
Within two months of being diagnosed he was dead. He first had a seizure playing hockey and evrybody thought it was a stroke or an aneurysm. A month later he lost control over half of his body, then went in and out of coma for the final week... I had a chance to talk to him and hold his hand, tell him how important he was for me and all that stuff that we never tell each other. He could understand what we said, but had a hard time communicating... And then he was gone.
Terrible disease.
I'm getting married in 4 days, and we've decided to give money to charities working on cancer in the name of the wedding guests. We figured it was better than spending the money on chocolates or whatever (though we also have some of those).
[+] [-] niekmaas|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] kn0thing|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] chriseppstein|15 years ago|reply
I'm really happy to see this subject getting attention in the tech community. Caregiving is hard and can be a huge strain on families and caregivers. That's why I became the first employee at caring.com when the opportunity came my way. Being able to apply my technical expertise to such a personal subject and hopefully help make some peoples lives go a little smoother during one of the roughest periods of their lives is immensely satisfying.
Thank you for sharing your story, Alexis.
[+] [-] ErrantX|15 years ago|reply
One takeaway from this that I saw was that having awesome co-founders is a must (as in the case of Reddit). Obviously this was a terrible time for Alexis; but I imagine it was a bit scary for the co-founders as well - not knowing if he would be about and in what state.
Thanks for sharing Alexis :)
[+] [-] steamboiler|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] kn0thing|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] petenixey|15 years ago|reply
To know that you managed to imprint the humour and affection that I see there now through all of this only makes me more impressed.
[+] [-] mattmaroon|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] SwellJoe|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bemmu|15 years ago|reply
Had no idea. Later when I read about this (mentioned on some earlier post too) and the scaling issues the team was battling with at the time, I came to appreciate getting the chance to visit Reddit even more.
[+] [-] unknown|15 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] airfoil|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] mattlanger|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] jacquesm|15 years ago|reply
Thanks.
[+] [-] krishna2|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] unknown|15 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] sabj|15 years ago|reply
[+] [-] pyronicide|15 years ago|reply
Keep calm and carry on!
[+] [-] kn0thing|15 years ago|reply
That iconic photo of the London library after a Blitz attack was a postcard I bought many years ago while studying abroad in the UK. I don't recall why I bought it, but I've kept it on the wall at my desk everywhere I've gone. There's something so wonderfully powerful about seeing these men calmly perusing the library stacks amidst ruins from what was then a fairly routine bombing run at a time when it was far from clear that "the good guys" would win.
It's such a splendid 'fuck you' to the Nazis (or whomever your 'enemy' may be) to carry on living your life just as you were planning -- or better yet, enjoying it even more than you'd planned because it's in spite of the circumstances.
I've never been bombed, nor will I probably ever be, so it's always pretty easy to realize what kinda of life lottery ticket I've ended up with.
[+] [-] paraschopra|15 years ago|reply