There's even more interesting research indicating that context of support is crucial. (Gable, et al, Safely Testing the Alarm: Close Others’ Responses to Personal Positive Events, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2012, Vol. 103, No. 6, 963–981)
This interesting study provides strong evidence, it's much easier to support a partner in context of a positive event than in context of a negative event. Context appears to play an even more important role than responsiveness or sensitivity of the person giving support. In fact, even if a partner recognizes that he or she received helpful support for a negative event shortly after the event occurred, by several weeks later the support is not generally remembered as positive.
If you want to support your partner in a helpful way, make sure you're supporting them when good things happen, and don't count on rescuing someone when things go wrong.
Celebrating a ten year anniversary with my wife next week. I’m happy to report I have learned to change my behavior in this respect over the years. I listen now rather than do what I did before: receive input, analyze, identify issues, formulate potential solutions and offer options and resolutions. It’s actually so much more relaxing for me too.
This is all too real for me too. I have commonly made the mistake of offering solutions in response to discussion of the girlfriend's problems when in reality most of the time she isn't looking for solutions and just wants someone to listen, hear it all out, and empathize.
It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. It's still unnatural for me to turn this mode off and listen without trying to solve. In my head I am probably still trying to solve at least a bit but not vocalizing that, at least in the moment.
I find it funny that the article's conclusion is "stop giving informational support when emotional support is asked for" rather than "stop asking for emotional support when only informational support is up for offer". It's possible -- I'd dare say likely -- that those giving informational support do so because they are not as capable to give emotional support and may feel drained by it. It's a bit of a harmful conclusion to low-EQ individuals, in the same way that "people who don't like parties should be more outgoing" is harmful to introverts.
People are different and relationships are give and take. There's no "right personality" that people should be fixing themselves to match. There's only mutual understanding and compromise. Recognizing that your partner may be searching for a type of support which you are not giving is very important, but only in the greater context of also recognizing both your and your partner's abilities, and reaching a mutual understanding how to bridge that gap.
The article suggests using nonviolent communication to clarify which sort of support is needed:
> Beyond that, ask for what you want, and check with your partner about what they want. If you want your partner’s support about something, let them know whether you’re looking for understanding or advice. Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
I can see that the "Default to emotional support" can seem to suggest that you must provide emotional support whenever asked, but if you can't provide emotional support (whether from low EQ or from being drained), you can't. The suggested strategy of making the request for support unambiguous allows a response along the lines of (but probably not worded this way) "I'd like to provide support, but I can't."
The distinction between "stop giving X" and "stop asking for X" is important — in the latter case, someone is asking for what they need, whether or not the need can be fulfilled, while in the former case, someone is providing X, regardless of whether it is desired.
Twords the end they advocate taking responsibility for getting the kind of support you need which is key:
> Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
> "Honey, I’d like to vent about something. I’m not looking for advice. Could you just hear me out and try to understand?”
> Or, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about a problem. Could you give me some advice about what you think I could do?”
Often times couples will blame the other for "not being a good listener" or "not helping" but it usually starts with not being clear about what you're wanting the other person to do. When you set your partner up for success by telling them what you're going for, they can usually be more successful.
Fortunately it's quite easy to provide a compelling facsimile of emotional support. You just shut up and maybe hold the person while not obviously paying attention to something else.
> I find it funny that the article's conclusion is "stop giving informational support when emotional support is asked for" rather than "stop asking for emotional support when only informational support is up for offer".
The article does give advice on how to get better at offering emotional support. Relationship counselors can probably give better advice. I know it's harder for some people than for others, but you have to make compromises and step out of your comfort zone to maintain a relationship.
If things have reached a point where the best advice one can offer is "stop asking your partner to support you emotionally," then I don't think that relationship has a future.
The world is a chaotic place. Most advice articles reach out to some (biased) average from the sum of the author's experiences. Most people want the world to conform to what they're comfortable/familiar with.
The moment a person thinks they understand how a person works, is the moment they start projecting themselves (i.e. their experiences) into/onto their interactions.
Thus, communication is the only path to sharing mutual enlightenment with another person.
This "problem" goes both ways - many people get very stressed and depressed when listening to someone just "needing to vent" and who does not want/need solutions.
That link is just a description of empathy. My problem-solving tendencies come from my understanding the other person’s feelings, how does one demonstrate that understanding in only an “emotional support” way?
Remembers me what happens when I have patience to talk a minute with a beggar. Ask where he comes from, this kind of chit-chat. The initial money request is often forgotten. People really want to be noted, acknowledged they exist, and heard. Food for the soul is almost more important than physical food.
A guy who was homeless for 25 years in Australia (and who recently wrote a book about his experiences) agrees very strongly with what you're saying:
> I was recently asked by someone what they should do when they come across a homeless person. My response to this question is quite simple. Maybe you cannot make a difference to that person’s circumstance, but you can make a difference to how you see them. Many are hurting with the shame and stigma of being homeless. Don’t pretend they don’t exist: they are people too. [1]
Every time this subject comes up I can't help but feel like society does a somewhat reasonable job of identifying and discouraging negative masculine behavior but doesn't do the same for negative feminine behavior. Why is the feminine personality position assumed to be the "correct" one that everyone must adjust to? Sure, everyone is entitled to a little whining time, and hopefully your partner is empathetic when the need arises, but perhaps it would be better if we discouraged whining in favor of solutioning.
I agree with this. Some amount of emotional venting is completely healthy but when it gets to the point where someone is unable to deal with any negative emotions on their own, and must rely on other people for support for even the smallest day-to-day mishap, that's their problem, not everyone else's.
And, like what you said, sometimes the solution really is more important than the emotions. This is especially true for the small things, which are the bulk of what we face every day anyway.
Listening is like walking alongside someone, whereas informing is like walking in front of someone. Ultimately life itself is a "problem" that has no destination, it's just nicer to know we're in it together.
It sounds stupid but I first learned this concept from the movie "White Men Can't Jump" in 1992 when I was just a kid. I don't accept the idea as a hard rule but I do think it's a valuable perspective to understand.
From my experience this is a foundational idea in a marriage / coupling. Took me many years to realise there were two forms of support and more importantly that my response was always solutional.
I am now able to sit and listen without offering answers.
Interesting, they found men also prefer emotional support. It’s just that informational support is better than no support for them while not a subset of women who really dislike informational support.
My real world experience is that, if a person has had to wait for that article to get its lessons, then from lack of those lessons and many more that are much more subtle, they probably got divorced soon after marriage or never got married!!!!
[+] [-] Booktrope|7 years ago|reply
This interesting study provides strong evidence, it's much easier to support a partner in context of a positive event than in context of a negative event. Context appears to play an even more important role than responsiveness or sensitivity of the person giving support. In fact, even if a partner recognizes that he or she received helpful support for a negative event shortly after the event occurred, by several weeks later the support is not generally remembered as positive.
If you want to support your partner in a helpful way, make sure you're supporting them when good things happen, and don't count on rescuing someone when things go wrong.
[+] [-] ajeet_dhaliwal|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] tedmiston|7 years ago|reply
It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. It's still unnatural for me to turn this mode off and listen without trying to solve. In my head I am probably still trying to solve at least a bit but not vocalizing that, at least in the moment.
[+] [-] craftyguy|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] colanderman|7 years ago|reply
People are different and relationships are give and take. There's no "right personality" that people should be fixing themselves to match. There's only mutual understanding and compromise. Recognizing that your partner may be searching for a type of support which you are not giving is very important, but only in the greater context of also recognizing both your and your partner's abilities, and reaching a mutual understanding how to bridge that gap.
[+] [-] cokernel|7 years ago|reply
> Beyond that, ask for what you want, and check with your partner about what they want. If you want your partner’s support about something, let them know whether you’re looking for understanding or advice. Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
I can see that the "Default to emotional support" can seem to suggest that you must provide emotional support whenever asked, but if you can't provide emotional support (whether from low EQ or from being drained), you can't. The suggested strategy of making the request for support unambiguous allows a response along the lines of (but probably not worded this way) "I'd like to provide support, but I can't."
The distinction between "stop giving X" and "stop asking for X" is important — in the latter case, someone is asking for what they need, whether or not the need can be fulfilled, while in the former case, someone is providing X, regardless of whether it is desired.
[+] [-] everdev|7 years ago|reply
> Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want.
> "Honey, I’d like to vent about something. I’m not looking for advice. Could you just hear me out and try to understand?”
> Or, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about a problem. Could you give me some advice about what you think I could do?”
Often times couples will blame the other for "not being a good listener" or "not helping" but it usually starts with not being clear about what you're wanting the other person to do. When you set your partner up for success by telling them what you're going for, they can usually be more successful.
[+] [-] User23|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] PhasmaFelis|7 years ago|reply
The article does give advice on how to get better at offering emotional support. Relationship counselors can probably give better advice. I know it's harder for some people than for others, but you have to make compromises and step out of your comfort zone to maintain a relationship.
If things have reached a point where the best advice one can offer is "stop asking your partner to support you emotionally," then I don't think that relationship has a future.
[+] [-] eezurr|7 years ago|reply
The world is a chaotic place. Most advice articles reach out to some (biased) average from the sum of the author's experiences. Most people want the world to conform to what they're comfortable/familiar with.
The moment a person thinks they understand how a person works, is the moment they start projecting themselves (i.e. their experiences) into/onto their interactions.
Thus, communication is the only path to sharing mutual enlightenment with another person.
[+] [-] mturmon|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] gedy|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] pvg|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] mkolodny|7 years ago|reply
Basically, emotional support is "understanding another person's thoughts, feelings, and condition from their point of view, rather than from your own"
[+] [-] extra88|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] epx|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] oska|7 years ago|reply
> I was recently asked by someone what they should do when they come across a homeless person. My response to this question is quite simple. Maybe you cannot make a difference to that person’s circumstance, but you can make a difference to how you see them. Many are hurting with the shame and stigma of being homeless. Don’t pretend they don’t exist: they are people too. [1]
[1] https://www.theguardian.com/books/2018/jun/25/after-25-years...
[+] [-] Consultant32452|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Daido_M|7 years ago|reply
And, like what you said, sometimes the solution really is more important than the emotions. This is especially true for the small things, which are the bulk of what we face every day anyway.
[+] [-] tombh|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] staunch|7 years ago|reply
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajBHZKoKYbU
[+] [-] sjclemmy|7 years ago|reply
I am now able to sit and listen without offering answers.
[+] [-] klippoteket|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] lwhsiao|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] hguhghuff|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] mi_lk|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] naveen99|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] mettamage|7 years ago|reply
Non-native English speaker here.
[+] [-] snek|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] tombh|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] lostmsu|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] wiradikusuma|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] pokemongoaway|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] graycat|7 years ago|reply