I've been off social media for years now, entirely, and I'm back to a point where the rest of my friends and just society itself are so fully entrenched into some sort of social media that I'm getting very lonely and depressed. I've actually thought about making a Facebook or Instagram account again and just placing strict rules on it, but even that really creeps me out.
My friends are always telling me about cool events on Facebook, their Instagram stories at the really fun and cool places they work non-profit, all of these cool groups. I feel super detached from even my best friends, and feel like I don't get a full friend experience. While our relationships are strong and have been for years, they're kinda dull because they use social media so much. They understand why I don't use it and don't give me a hard time (anymore), but always bother me to come back.
I'm kind of in the same boat. I assumed that I would be able to participate in normal friendships without social media (the way people did for generations before me). Instead, I think people just assume I'm ignoring them on facebook because I'm anti-social.
I've learned to be more proactive in maintaining relationships, but it often feels very one-sided since many other people are used to just getting passive status updates and feeling 'connected' to their friends.
I know that they work hard to make it addictive, but isolating yourself because of a fear of a lack of self-discipline is not a solution IMO. Use it to your advantage and have the strength to withstand its negative aspects.
Ignoring the newsfeed can be enough if you're susceptible to comparison with others (which is one of the big reasons that social media is bad for people). There are browser extensions to hide it [1].
I use events, groups and the birthday reminder. Facebook definitely has a lot of features that are very useful e.g. I can see which events happen in my surroundings and which friends attend them. Without this, I wouldn't hear about these events (except when those friends explicitly invite their friends). Instead of denial, use technology to your advantage and minimize its bad effects on your mental health.
edit: I know that many people in tech despise social media and there are a ton of studies that show its negative effects. But OP talks about negative effects of not using social media. A moderate usage can be better for him/her than simply refusing to use it. Please explain your arguments instead of simply downvoting so I know the reasons behind the reactions.
Can I ask how old you are? I wonder how this affects different age generations.
I'm 37, left social media a few years back when my son was born - the thinking being that the time I spent on there would be better spent with him and my wife! I don't feel excluded by my friendship groups or like I'm missing out on anything.
About half way through my college education I decided I would only use Facebook for messages and otherwise eliminated all social media from my life aside from Reddit and Hacker news. Since then I found my outlook on life has improved dramatically and recommend most people do that.
The problem with social media is you only see the interesting parts of people's lives, so you're forced into a loop of thinking your life is pointless and boring, while for the most part everyone's life is pretty boring aside from some brief moments
HN and Reddit arent that different from other social media sites.
All of them in my mind are "All You Can Eat" info buffet tables.
This is just the current approach we have of dealing with a new world overloaded by info. It will change as we learn more and more about how it effects people.
In the real world nobody healthy visits an "All You Can Eat" buffet everyday. Same thing will eventually happen with information.
My policy is to decrease on push notifications as far as possible. WhatsApp and Telegram still have the privilege but that's it. I feel like by seeking out information rather than it coming to me, I at least am making a conscious decision to waste time on social media.
Interestingly, implementing that had the effect of me now spending hardly any time on there at all. Funny how that works!
Yeah I've been doing much the same, I've given mastodon a pass for now for direct mentions only (which tootdon lets you configure) because those notifications are people's actual interactions with me - whereas with Twitter and Facebook it's generally any old crap that happens to one of my friends or follows, or sometimes even somebody else who some people I know have followed (who cares?!) so that gets turned right off. In fact I don't even have the Facebook app, I just look at it in my browser - sometimes it still manages to sneak a few notifications through Chrome even though I was sure I turned those off.
Mostly it's just very annoying when for some reason my phone doesn't manage to prioritise push messages which come from direct messages or SMS and so they somehow manage to get buried under a honking slew of social media detritus.
I’ve started leaving DND mode on 24/7. I go to my notifications, they don’t come to me anymore. This also prevents your iPhone from being DOS’d by a phone call at any moment.
That's a great point. I went into the Android settings, pressed the toggle to disable all notifications, then went through and re-enabled the few necessary apps (text messenger, Spotify, etc).
Something I did in addition to removing push notifications was deleting the apps. When I want to look at a Reddit thread or a tweet, I have to use my mobile browser, and endure their painful UI. Some might consider this paranoid or masochistic, but I find that for me it prevents further exploration beyond the thread/tweet I was originally interested in.
I've deleted all my social media accounts besides Reddit and HN. The only thing that's stopping me from visiting these two is addiction. I don't read the news, mostly, why bother? It does much more harm than good. You don't need 1000 hrs of newsreading to vote effectively.
My next step is to make a personal website with some contact details and a scraper script for the links in the HN top 30-40 that I can run as a cronjob.
While cutting social media is not a panacea, I have found a significant improvement in the amount of free time I have, and I don't compulsively think about what other people are doing.
It's a good exercise to assume that engagement in social media is work and multiply how many hours you've sunk into it by your usual hourly wage...
> I don't read the news, mostly, why bother? It does much more harm than good.
It's weird that this is a minority opinion (I happen to agree with you). Some 20 years ago we lacked the ability to consume even 10% of the news we are exposed to today if we just open Twitter, and democracy wasn't collapsing.
(some argue we are in a worse spot today, though I disagree - strife does not equal inequality)
The cable news cycle combined with social media with the majority of people thinking that their opinion is worth something has led to some interesting results. I expect the next generation of people in the United States to mostly get over this bug in the system via selective apathy.
> My next step is to make a personal website with some contact details and a scraper script for the links in the HN top 30-40 that I can run as a cronjob.
About a year ago I was 30 minutes into creating exactly such a script, and then I found https://hckrnews.com, which lists all the posts that reach the frontpage (or are top 10/20/50%).
I do the same. The only reason for me keeping Hacker News and Reddit is that I often find more up to date information and more information then say Stack Overflow (e.g. site:reddit.com/r/golang <search terms>). Otherwise, I would unsubscribe and put them in `/etc/hosts` file.
I also don't read the news (who's the president? Kidding...), at least in the typical sense. My colleagues seemed to really be shocked when I told them that, but when I inquired why they could not give me a good reason. I only remember them saying to discuss current events. I figured if it's big enough deal and important enough I would hear about from other sources.
I read Ars Technica, Hacker News, and I am subscribed to a few Subreddits (Games, AnimeDubs, Vita, Nintendo, GameDev and related, but that's it). I have a multireddit for Programming, Startups, and Netflix/Amazon Prime movies/shows for when I need to put the computer down.
Heya, I run https://hndigest.com - you can configure it to email you the top n posts over a certain period (daily up to weekly). Check it out, it might suit your needs.
Another strategy that works for me is rather than cutting news entirely, strictly stop going on sites that are sectionalist/ overly politically biased.
When you open Social Media there is a reason for that.
I figured - for me at least - it comes from an emotional impulse.
By concentrating on that impulse, I discovered that it comes from “need” to socialize.
Trying to fulfill that need by going on a social media platform is just convenient but does not really satisfy that need. So instead, I now call or meet with some family members/friends.
In the progress of growing up I kinda unlearned that. But know that I rediscovered it, I feel much better/balanced.
Other benefits are that I can concentrate and perform at my studies/work much better than before.
I don’t know if that helps anybody but I thought I’d share this experience.
So let me explain it. I started being active on the internet after learning no one would be friends with me (I was in class 6 back then). I would spend time figuring out things, talking to people and then social media evolved. I am still pretty active on social media but the main reason people are active on social media is they don't have people around them that listen to them.
That what many miss about social networks (and long-distance communication overall, i.e. IRC, ICQ, etc) - it is not always about looking at other people fancy moments (which is probably some type of social networks promote today) but it is to have a connection with people, which otherwise you would not get locally.
This is probably true, but I don't know what else to do (counting HN as social media) - I don't really have any friends or interesting activities. Basically go to work, do work, go home, repeat. Anyone have any suggestions on how I could live a more interesting life and/or have friends?
Sorta pathetic to be posting this here but since every other comment is talking out eliminating social media use, maybe some comments on what to replace it with would be helpful.
A lot of the advice here is "find a hobby". But if it were that simple youd have one already.
My advice is to be bored. Get rid of all distractions (facebook, tv) and go to a quiet room or on a long walk. Be alone with your thoughts. Slowly forget about work and daily concerns. Where does your mind go when it has nothing else in the way?
Hopefully that gives you a clue where to look for hobbies you enjoy. But you also have to make the effort and try different things out. Start researching and go to events. Youre not gonna like all of it and thats ok. And its not always comfortable.
Definitely start up a conversation with the people you meet along the way. Friends are important. Theres more to it than i can fit in this post.
If that doesnt work, try thinking back to when you were a kid. What were you interested in before you put your life on hold for school and work?
I hope this helps yoi in some way. All i know is it worked for me. No reason to feel ashamed. Many people have this problem.
Find a hobby you enjoy and do that. Also, fix any obvious flaws, such as poor dress, being out of shape, persnonal hygiene, etc. lastly, practice small talk: when at a store, make a comment to the clerk, try to make them smile, etc
The goal is basically improve socialization skills (small talk), remove frictin to friendships (hygiene, fitness, fashion), and then put yourself in situations where you meet people (hobbies).
A local couchsuefing group can also be good, if you staet couchsurfing hosting.
If you're not already active, get a cheap gym membership and force yourself to go for a few hours a week. I'm not talking about the meat-head bodybuilding sort. You may enjoy it, you'll be healthier for it, and you may meet others there which share interests.
Well, you can begin to develop a hobby and then attend meetups associated. Find a swing dance group on meetup.com that is beginner friendly. Find an outdoor hiking group. Look for community or religious centers (if you’re religious) on coffeeshop ad boards... Friends tend to occur from there, as you meet more people. You could also take classes, make small talk with classmates and eventually do study groups.
Take a job in another country; every day becomes an adventure as you navigate different cultures, different people, different customs, different cities, different bureaucracies, different governments, different foods, different activities, etc. Plus, you become a more well rounded individual. It also gives you valuable soft skills (cultural relations).
I recommend a gym, specifically a class based one like a boot camp or CrossFit. These tend to have a similar cohort of people who show up at the same time every week, so you’ll get an hour of exercise and social time wrapped up into one package.
Friendship is created by repeated interaction. Anything that has you running into the same people repeatedly will typically create friendships.
My favorite long-term shared-post-and-comments site - far and away the most friendly and community-like - does not have downvotes. You can only 'favorite' a user comment. If your comment is not 'favorited' it is also not slapped with a downvote. (I find downvotes to be counterproductive and often arbitrary if not malicious. And one sows another.)
Moderators decide only what posts are productive. A dozen or so a day result. No topic is too 'far out' or rarified. The posts themselves may also be heavily-favorited, but almost always are at least lightly-favorited by a few readers.
There is very rarely any criticism or argument. The are not nested, they only appear in time-order. This keeps directed replies (and extended snark-fests) to a minimum.
The resulting 'civilized adultness' of the site is fairly unique on the Internet. Oh, and there's a small fee to join.
The abstract mentions limiting social media use to about 30 minutes a day. Why not eliminate it completely? I'd imagine the gains from maintaining relationships can be found elsewhere (e.g. phone calls or real life meetups).
I agree with the conclusions. I got rid of all social media except for Reddit ( for ML related discussions) and Hacker News. I always calmer since. It amazing how fast my mind felt better from the negativity.
Luckily I never got into Instagram or Twitter, but I was big into both Reddit and Facebook for a long time.
I cut off Reddit completely after a run-in with yet another subreddit wannabe dictator mod. It just wasn't worth the drama, not to mention the crappy usability of the site, especially on mobile.
For Facebook, I can't cut it off completely, it is unfortunately indispensable for arranging events and interacting with my group of friends/acquaintances. I mostly interact in a couple of concert/festival-related groups, and run one of them myself. That said, I have cut off all games and apps, and I mute all the stupid meme pages that people like to share from. New ones do pop up once in a while, and obviously those get muted too. The result is that my Facebook experience is 90% chatting with like-minded people about music. I use a Chromium plugin to delete all of posts and likes that are more than ~6 months old, because nobody should care about old FB posts.
I also keep my FB account for Messenger, as it has become the de facto standard instant messaging service here in Denmark.
For discussion on other subjects, I'm a long-time member of an old-school forum that charges $10 for an account. That seems to weed out most of the low-content trolls and idiots, and aside from a few deliberately stupid subforums, the discussions are relatively intelligent and entertaining.
Social media use Pavlovian conditioning to drive adoption. Even the notification icon is – a bell. I stopped using all of them and I suggest you do too. If needed to stay in touch, send your friends and family a voice message as an email attachment, they'll appreciate the sound of your voice more than generic emojis.
I joined Meetup.com, and now I have a growing number of friends every week.
It helps to have an interest that other people can join you in. You could start a tech group, a language group, a movie group. Find a place to have a discussion, a small conference, or give a presentation.
The fact is, social media isn't going to satisfy your craving with feeling connected. The digital world isn't a substitute for face-to-face conversation, so it's sad to see people resort to text-messaging the person in front of them. However, you CAN look for events for where to connect to people. That said, Meetup.com is a huge blessing.
Humans are social creatures, and we are more isolated than we've ever been even though we are better connected than we've ever been. I don't think social media is to blame, just as i don't think fast food is to blame for obscenity epidemic, but i do think that social media has certainly, consciously leveraged certain weakness of humans in modern society to create addictive substances which cause more harm than good for most people.
I think social media is fine as a way to connect, it just shouldn't be the only or even major way to connect. In particular I think News Feed is a horrible way to "connect" with anyone.
So I unfollowed every one of my friends on Facebook and keep a pristine blank news feed. If I want to know what someone's up to, I message them or visit their profile. It makes social media usage a lot more deliberate.
My life has come a full circle. Moved to the facebook messenger, WhatsApp, Snapchat for texting and now only prefer iMessage or text messages. The number of groups you added to in WhatsApp and the meaningless forwards make me open those apps even lesser.
On the social sharing front, I only use Snapchat to share what I am up to some close friends. Limited FB, Instagram to once a week casual check-in and never been happier.
It's interesting that messaging and social media are conflated by some people and not others. It stands to reason that direct communication is helpful to the problem of loneliness, whereas "observing the sanitised version of other people's lives from the outside" is not.
Recently I did an experiment with myself where I didn't use FB for 30 days. After about 5 days I didn't miss it, but I was not happier. After the experiment, my usage rebounded, but significantly below prior levels (I post a lot less, so there's less feedback to get me to engage).
[+] [-] prolikewh0a|7 years ago|reply
My friends are always telling me about cool events on Facebook, their Instagram stories at the really fun and cool places they work non-profit, all of these cool groups. I feel super detached from even my best friends, and feel like I don't get a full friend experience. While our relationships are strong and have been for years, they're kinda dull because they use social media so much. They understand why I don't use it and don't give me a hard time (anymore), but always bother me to come back.
[+] [-] drewmate|7 years ago|reply
I've learned to be more proactive in maintaining relationships, but it often feels very one-sided since many other people are used to just getting passive status updates and feeling 'connected' to their friends.
[+] [-] mockingbirdy|7 years ago|reply
Ignoring the newsfeed can be enough if you're susceptible to comparison with others (which is one of the big reasons that social media is bad for people). There are browser extensions to hide it [1].
I use events, groups and the birthday reminder. Facebook definitely has a lot of features that are very useful e.g. I can see which events happen in my surroundings and which friends attend them. Without this, I wouldn't hear about these events (except when those friends explicitly invite their friends). Instead of denial, use technology to your advantage and minimize its bad effects on your mental health.
[1]: https://chrome.google.com/webstore/detail/news-feed-eradicat...
edit: I know that many people in tech despise social media and there are a ton of studies that show its negative effects. But OP talks about negative effects of not using social media. A moderate usage can be better for him/her than simply refusing to use it. Please explain your arguments instead of simply downvoting so I know the reasons behind the reactions.
[+] [-] davestephens|7 years ago|reply
I'm 37, left social media a few years back when my son was born - the thinking being that the time I spent on there would be better spent with him and my wife! I don't feel excluded by my friendship groups or like I'm missing out on anything.
[+] [-] jelly_dev|7 years ago|reply
The problem with social media is you only see the interesting parts of people's lives, so you're forced into a loop of thinking your life is pointless and boring, while for the most part everyone's life is pretty boring aside from some brief moments
[+] [-] kopo|7 years ago|reply
All of them in my mind are "All You Can Eat" info buffet tables.
This is just the current approach we have of dealing with a new world overloaded by info. It will change as we learn more and more about how it effects people.
In the real world nobody healthy visits an "All You Can Eat" buffet everyday. Same thing will eventually happen with information.
[+] [-] unknown|7 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] Aeolun|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] schindlabua|7 years ago|reply
Interestingly, implementing that had the effect of me now spending hardly any time on there at all. Funny how that works!
[+] [-] captainbland|7 years ago|reply
Mostly it's just very annoying when for some reason my phone doesn't manage to prioritise push messages which come from direct messages or SMS and so they somehow manage to get buried under a honking slew of social media detritus.
[+] [-] jeffhiggins|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] a_wild_dandan|7 years ago|reply
It helped immensely.
[+] [-] biophysboy|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] xfitm3|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] wu-ikkyu|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] rwnspace|7 years ago|reply
My next step is to make a personal website with some contact details and a scraper script for the links in the HN top 30-40 that I can run as a cronjob.
While cutting social media is not a panacea, I have found a significant improvement in the amount of free time I have, and I don't compulsively think about what other people are doing.
It's a good exercise to assume that engagement in social media is work and multiply how many hours you've sunk into it by your usual hourly wage...
[+] [-] icelancer|7 years ago|reply
It's weird that this is a minority opinion (I happen to agree with you). Some 20 years ago we lacked the ability to consume even 10% of the news we are exposed to today if we just open Twitter, and democracy wasn't collapsing.
(some argue we are in a worse spot today, though I disagree - strife does not equal inequality)
The cable news cycle combined with social media with the majority of people thinking that their opinion is worth something has led to some interesting results. I expect the next generation of people in the United States to mostly get over this bug in the system via selective apathy.
[+] [-] Confiks|7 years ago|reply
About a year ago I was 30 minutes into creating exactly such a script, and then I found https://hckrnews.com, which lists all the posts that reach the frontpage (or are top 10/20/50%).
[+] [-] b3b0p|7 years ago|reply
I also don't read the news (who's the president? Kidding...), at least in the typical sense. My colleagues seemed to really be shocked when I told them that, but when I inquired why they could not give me a good reason. I only remember them saying to discuss current events. I figured if it's big enough deal and important enough I would hear about from other sources.
I read Ars Technica, Hacker News, and I am subscribed to a few Subreddits (Games, AnimeDubs, Vita, Nintendo, GameDev and related, but that's it). I have a multireddit for Programming, Startups, and Netflix/Amazon Prime movies/shows for when I need to put the computer down.
[+] [-] davidverhasselt|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Leary|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] itsjustmath|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] zwarag|7 years ago|reply
In the progress of growing up I kinda unlearned that. But know that I rediscovered it, I feel much better/balanced. Other benefits are that I can concentrate and perform at my studies/work much better than before.
I don’t know if that helps anybody but I thought I’d share this experience.
[+] [-] FahadUddin92|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] hippich|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] yyww|7 years ago|reply
Sorta pathetic to be posting this here but since every other comment is talking out eliminating social media use, maybe some comments on what to replace it with would be helpful.
[+] [-] dbeuwhf|7 years ago|reply
My advice is to be bored. Get rid of all distractions (facebook, tv) and go to a quiet room or on a long walk. Be alone with your thoughts. Slowly forget about work and daily concerns. Where does your mind go when it has nothing else in the way?
Hopefully that gives you a clue where to look for hobbies you enjoy. But you also have to make the effort and try different things out. Start researching and go to events. Youre not gonna like all of it and thats ok. And its not always comfortable.
Definitely start up a conversation with the people you meet along the way. Friends are important. Theres more to it than i can fit in this post.
If that doesnt work, try thinking back to when you were a kid. What were you interested in before you put your life on hold for school and work?
I hope this helps yoi in some way. All i know is it worked for me. No reason to feel ashamed. Many people have this problem.
[+] [-] graeme|7 years ago|reply
The goal is basically improve socialization skills (small talk), remove frictin to friendships (hygiene, fitness, fashion), and then put yourself in situations where you meet people (hobbies).
A local couchsuefing group can also be good, if you staet couchsurfing hosting.
[+] [-] andrew_|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] posedge|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] SolaceQuantum|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] kstenerud|7 years ago|reply
Many places offer working holiay visas.
[+] [-] village-idiot|7 years ago|reply
Friendship is created by repeated interaction. Anything that has you running into the same people repeatedly will typically create friendships.
[+] [-] 8bitsrule|7 years ago|reply
Moderators decide only what posts are productive. A dozen or so a day result. No topic is too 'far out' or rarified. The posts themselves may also be heavily-favorited, but almost always are at least lightly-favorited by a few readers.
There is very rarely any criticism or argument. The are not nested, they only appear in time-order. This keeps directed replies (and extended snark-fests) to a minimum.
The resulting 'civilized adultness' of the site is fairly unique on the Internet. Oh, and there's a small fee to join.
[+] [-] szilardboy|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] kobiguru|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Kiro|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] KozmoNau7|7 years ago|reply
I cut off Reddit completely after a run-in with yet another subreddit wannabe dictator mod. It just wasn't worth the drama, not to mention the crappy usability of the site, especially on mobile.
For Facebook, I can't cut it off completely, it is unfortunately indispensable for arranging events and interacting with my group of friends/acquaintances. I mostly interact in a couple of concert/festival-related groups, and run one of them myself. That said, I have cut off all games and apps, and I mute all the stupid meme pages that people like to share from. New ones do pop up once in a while, and obviously those get muted too. The result is that my Facebook experience is 90% chatting with like-minded people about music. I use a Chromium plugin to delete all of posts and likes that are more than ~6 months old, because nobody should care about old FB posts.
I also keep my FB account for Messenger, as it has become the de facto standard instant messaging service here in Denmark.
For discussion on other subjects, I'm a long-time member of an old-school forum that charges $10 for an account. That seems to weed out most of the low-content trolls and idiots, and aside from a few deliberately stupid subforums, the discussions are relatively intelligent and entertaining.
[+] [-] greendestiny_re|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] rdruxn|7 years ago|reply
Dear god why
[+] [-] nercht12|7 years ago|reply
It helps to have an interest that other people can join you in. You could start a tech group, a language group, a movie group. Find a place to have a discussion, a small conference, or give a presentation.
The fact is, social media isn't going to satisfy your craving with feeling connected. The digital world isn't a substitute for face-to-face conversation, so it's sad to see people resort to text-messaging the person in front of them. However, you CAN look for events for where to connect to people. That said, Meetup.com is a huge blessing.
[+] [-] strikelaserclaw|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] unknown|7 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] jeromebaek|7 years ago|reply
So I unfollowed every one of my friends on Facebook and keep a pristine blank news feed. If I want to know what someone's up to, I message them or visit their profile. It makes social media usage a lot more deliberate.
[+] [-] vthallam|7 years ago|reply
On the social sharing front, I only use Snapchat to share what I am up to some close friends. Limited FB, Instagram to once a week casual check-in and never been happier.
[+] [-] internet555|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] laurex|7 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Maro|7 years ago|reply