I took a step back in my career to work from home, and bring my kids to the kindergarten with my bike some days, and take a late lunch and eat their "dinner" with them, and it has been totally, totally worth-it.
Remote work being a set-back is possibly a side-effect of how I selected my new gig, but it has suited me so well, I don't care about the (temporary) career stagnation.
After working from home (and watch my kids grow) I had an opportunity to work to help finishing a big project that would make money.
It was just 3-4 month of hard work (including almost every week ends and some nights) and then back to normal hours when the project would be on track.
Well, as often, months turned to a year, then a year and a half, and no real end of the "hard" part in sight.
My son started ignoring me, my daughter waked up early to have a glimpse of me before I go.
I finaly ended it (mostly when the word Divorce was pronounced out loud) and fight to be a member of my family again. And work from home.
For now, this period was the biggest mistake of my near-half-a-century life, and until the kids can take themselves in charge, I won't move from home again.
Same here, except I quit completely to stay home with our two kids. The decision was easy. One day when I was working remotely from home, the nanny rushed in carrying my 6 month old daughter. She was completely unresponsive, having her first of many febrile seizures. Eyes rolled back, body limp. We called 911. By the time they arrived she had mostly recovered, crying, but could respond to us. I quit a few months later.
She's now 5 and her brother is 7. They grow out of febrile seizures and luckily she hasn't had one now for about 2 years. Overall she had about half a dozen.
Besides that, the reason I also it is because if one day, my child is a drug addict, asshole, school shooter, or any other "failure" of sorts. If someone asks me if I did everything I could to prevent it. My answer will be yes, I gave it my all.
It seems in the US when people say I want to provide for my children, they mean money. But more money doesn't really help your kids, it helps you. What kids really need is people to provide time.
Same here. I think the work-life balance that remote work provides is understated in our society.
I get to be far more involved in my kids day-to-day, I know their teachers, friends, and generally what's happening in their lives.
I think of the alternative (what I grew up with, and what a lot of my friends with kids are still doing) and it's sad.
Barring the awful circumstances of the article (my heart goes out to the author) spending time with our children shouldn't be a chore to fit in.
Hug them, tell them how much they mean to you, that's important. Being present in their lives though, for the brief period that life affords us, that is essential.
Similar story. Made a decision to set aside career path in favor of remote work, flexibility and autonomy (I have young kids) for this exact reason. I will never get this time back. I want as much of it as possible to be ours. These stories bring it home.
This post was both heartbreaking, heartwarming, and very emotional to read. Thank you to the author for sharing your story.
Such a heart breaking story. For me it was taking a walk around the office and seeing a private plane take off from San Carlos airport, here its engine sputter, and then watching as it fell from the sky into the "lagoon" next to a hotel. Life ends. Really slammed home how a 'normal' day could suddenly be a really bad day, or your last day.
One of the unfortunate challenges of tech work is that as someone young and single you can spend all your time at work with your colleagues building really cool stuff and get the social fix and the financial rewards of lots of hard work. And if you get married and have kids, and suddenly the demands of the family keeps you from putting in the same amount of time at work, well you find yourself either explaining to your boss why you aren't getting as much done, or explaining to your spouse why you don't seem them as much as they would like. Can be tricky to navigate to a new normal.
Was it a twin airplane? I was doing flight training out of San Carlos around the time that happened and yeah, it was sobering. I haven’t flown since my daughter was born.
It has had a profound impact on how I think about everything, but especially the time I spend with our now 1 year old.
I'd recomend everyone read it, and internalize that you only get 52 weekends in a year. You also only get a handful of each holiday with your kids. His words are better than mine, and I encourage everyone to take the 2 minutes needed to read the essay, then implement a life strategy that gets you home with your family more.
> And while it's impossible to say what is a lot or a little of a continuous quantity like time, 8 is not a lot of something. If you had a handful of 8 peanuts, or a shelf of 8 books to choose from, the quantity would definitely seem limited, no matter what your lifespan was.
And yet if you had a handful of 8 loaves of bread, it would be a lot of bread, if you had 8 luxurious chocolate truffles it would be more than you want to eat in one go. If you had 8 shelves of books the quantity would still "seem limited". If you stepped outside and there were 8 cars on your driveway, that would be a lot of cars and a long driveway, if none of them started and you had to walk 8 miles to the train station, that would be a long walk, if you went to the dentist and needed 8 fillings that would be a lot of fillings, and if there was a creature as tall as 8 humans, that would be a long horse.
Just choosing that the units of measure are peanuts and books, is not enough to establish that 8 is a small quantity, objectively and unquestionably. Everything is relative, everything is viewed in comparison to something different. Peanuts compared to how filling they are, books compared to .. how much choice you feel you deserve, outside of reading time. 8 books is quite a lot of reading time.
If you decide that 8 Christmasses is a paucity of Christmas, where did that decision come from? Why is it not enough, and how many would be enough? (and is the answer an eternal "just one more"?) If you have $8 but you want to spend $10 then $8 is not much money. If you have $8 but you want things which are ten a penny, $8 is a lot of things.
If we can't control how much we have, but we can choose what we want, why do we so often choose to want more than we have, then feel annoyed at the disinterested universe for being so mean to us?
I live in Portland. I switched to being a software developer when my son was born, starting a new career.
I make probably $20K less than my peers. (I make $82K a year as a fourth year C# software dev. I've got a law degree and am willing to travel around the country a few weeks a year for stakeholder meetings.)
I'm home every day by 3:15. I take my son to the library, to the park, to the forest, to OMSI, on weekdays. Some days he and I just sit on the couch reading and talking about superheroes for two hours until dinner.
Do I feel envious of my peers who make more? Yes. A lot. The urge to keep up with the Joneses is strong. Do I second guess my decision? Never. My job is relaxed, I come home and party with my son and wife with energy. I cried reading this story, but it only affirms my decision.
Remember that performative workaholism is poison to life. Every time you put in more hours over the weekend "just because", dial in to a meeting on your vacation, or get on Slack at 10 PM "just to check a few things" - you're shifting the culture to make it that much more acceptable to demand it of everyone. The parents in your meetings that run until 7:30 bitterly hate you.
It might seem OK when you're single, childless, etc. but once that time starts coming from your family you will realize what a prison you've built yourself.
This also applies to new technologies and skill gaps. I'm over 30, and have stopped following the latest javascript trends. I want younger people to be satisfied with the tools that I learned; they're perfectly adequate.
The treadmill of re-inventing the technology wheel also looks like a prison.
This is especially important if you're a visible technical leader; you serve as an example for what it takes to get there, so set an example that you can do so without regular overwork.
I love what I do, but I don't ever want to give people the impression or example that becoming a technical leader requires working 50+, 60+ hour weeks. I maintain a work/life balance, and I want people to see that you can maintain that balance at all levels.
I agree if you're talking strictly about salaried employees, because you don't get paid for that overtime work. But as a contract developer if I want to work 60 hours each week, instead of 40, to earn an extra 50% when I invoice them at the end of the month, that is my prerogative.
This seems like a classic case of you projecting your value system on your peers. The reality of the situation is that is that there are a ton of ways to live a fulfilling life. Not all of them require strong family values, and there isn't any legal pressure to adopt family values as far as I can tell. I would actually put the onus on you to learn to work with colleagues who value work over family. If you can't live harmoniously with your values and your employer, you should find another job.
100% agree that the habits to have a more balanced life starts when you're young, single and childless... working 24/7 doesn't just turn off because you have a kid, it takes time and practice to reprogram your life habits
What bothers me about this attitude is that it totally ignores the rewards for working hard for at least part of your life, and it also relies on the idea that everyone subscribe to the same theory, which makes those pushing it suspicious in their motivations.
"You shouldn't work hard because if you do, it makes me look bad and I don't want to look bad or work hard."
Some people have lives and the capacity optimized towards working many long hours. You can't tell us to stop, it's not fair.
> you're shifting the culture to make it that much more acceptable to demand it of everyone.
I would argue the cowards who refuse to ever stand up to employers are the cause. If you aren't able to push back on your boss, you're fucked regardless of how many hours I choose to work.
> The parents in your meetings that run until 7:30 bitterly hate you.
It's just not true at all, and seems quite dramatic. A lot of people enjoy working on weekends or putting in long hours some days. When I was younger I would do it regularly, and I certainly don't begrudge or "hate" younger, childless colleagues who do that now, even if they involve me sometimes. Nor did I build myself a "prison". Stop demanding people live their lives how you want them to.
I'm in tears reading this and his wife's account (https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/all-remains-dr-jessica-brande...) - I didn't realize how short life was until I realized I only had 52 weeks with each of my one-year-old sons, and stories like this are a reminder about what's really important.
A friend said it well when I was feeling guilty I wasn't putting more time into my work, "No one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I spent less time with my family'".
Just a note for everyone who tends to go through the comments and weigh if they should actually go read the post (I'm guilty of this), go read the post. Even if you have nothing to relate this to, it's a great contrast to the majority of posts on this site. It's a breath of fresh, troubling air.
My deepest condolences to the family. I hope no parent goes through that experience the author and his family had.
On the other had, I met a lady at the gym counter. She looked very tired so I enquired about her. She said it was third job. She said that she was doing that just to barely put enough food on the table for her family. I think some of the benefits IT folks enjoy is not what rest of the world experiences. She too complained that she doesn’t spend enough time with her kids. Life is difficult for so many people that they to make such compromises. The rest of us who can take time off a little should put it to best use.
I was shocked when the author of the post said he had had twins and founded his business in the same month. I just had twins a few months ago and founded my business ten years ago. I couldn't imagine doing both at the same time.
I have massive newfound respect for parents, and especially for working single mothers. I have no idea how they do what they do. I am fortunate enough to have a nanny, work from home, and it's still very challenging.
Many of us, especially younger folks with income anxiety and families see no other choice but to work slavishly at the expense of time with our families because we see avoiding starvation as more important than quality time. We could all be forgiven for this.
I've made it past that phase of my life, having missed the entire first year of my middle daughter's life, not being there properly for my family after the loss (cancer) of one of our daughters at 2 1/2. My oldest daughter (are you keeping count) who is 18, I barely know and am just now building a relationship with.
I have the luxury of not making that mistake with our youngest daughter (we're up to 4 girls now) who is now 5. I still remember giving up time at home so that I could ensure I kept my job and was investing in the skills to get the next raise.
Hindsight is 20/20 and you already know what I'm going to tell you. You'd be surprised how little of your stress about your current job translates to you keeping it, but that stress makes you grumpy or distant and difficult to feel love from. You'd be surprised how something as small as dinner together, tucking them in at night, or an unrushed breakfast, can take so little time but mean so much to you and to them, still leaving you with the time to advance your career on behalf of the ones you love.
Please spend those special moments, they're so few and they pass so quickly. Your family likely won't starve, and maybe even getting fired from a toxic environment will be the break you need to see what else the world has out there for you and your family.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
My kid recently turned one. I can't read this article without weeping. Everyday when I back home, I regret not spending more time with my family. I love coding, by all means. But this article is a huge wake up call on where I want to strike the balance.
Definitely, make sure there's just "time". Everyone I've spoken to who has a real quality relationship with their kids has reiterated quantity is better than "quality".
Don't fall into the trap of thinking that making it to the odd piano recital is the same as being there every day for dinner.
As the piece sadly reminds us, that calendar invite might be scheduled too late.
Reading this post I can't help but feel for the sibling. When I was 5 I lost my sister and best friend; you just aren't equipped to deal with the event at that age.
Yes, so many years with the pains unravelling as you learn to cope with that loss. Children are great at handling traumatic events, but it doesn't mean it's any less traumatic. That poor kid is probably going to struggle with this for a long time.
Heartbreaking to read and every parent's worst nightmare. Life has become so fast and everyone works too much these days. Growing up in India, I remember my parents (who had challenging jobs as a math prof and doctor) still spent all evening and all weekends with us and my one surviving grandparent also lived with us. Cousins came by every week and there was so much family around. Now, here we are with all this money in a giant house in this expensive place, working 60-70 hours a week and I wonder if I'm doing right by my kids. Need to spend more time with them..
Crying as I read this. I can't imagine. Thank you for sharing. So sorry for your loss. As a new father, hits home hard. Nothing is more important in life than your family and friends.
As a new father, things like SUDEP and SIDS are terrifying. I hope one day technology will improve, so we'll have fitness bands or smart cameras or smart mattresses that can detect these rare events and report back data so we can understand them, and hopefully at some point, intervene and prevent them. Sharing your story will hopefully inspire people to keep working on this kind of thing, so hopefully it might help save some other child in the future.
An incredibly heart-breaking story. I can't relate as I'm younger and just graduated from college last year. However I've lived away from my grandparents and my mom for the last 3 years and I'd like to move back home so I can spend as much time as I can with them.
As a father of a toddler, I really appreciate stories where you get a phone call out of the blue and somebody tells you your child died. I didn't have enough anxiety about him already, so thanks for giving me a reason to panic at random phone calls from my wife.
>Wiley was obsessed with starting a business. One day it was a smoothie stand, the next it would be a gallery, then a VR headset company, then a ‘coder’, then a spaceship building company.
To me, this sounds like the father shouldn't be worried too much. Wiley loved the way his father was to the point of wanting to emulate him.
>Damn, could that kid dance.
The kid gave it all, like his father. Without such a role model, would he have been the same kid? Would he have had such a precious life?
[+] [-] codebeaker|6 years ago|reply
Remote work being a set-back is possibly a side-effect of how I selected my new gig, but it has suited me so well, I don't care about the (temporary) career stagnation.
Beautiful story, I felt it hard.
[+] [-] JeanMarcS|6 years ago|reply
After working from home (and watch my kids grow) I had an opportunity to work to help finishing a big project that would make money.
It was just 3-4 month of hard work (including almost every week ends and some nights) and then back to normal hours when the project would be on track.
Well, as often, months turned to a year, then a year and a half, and no real end of the "hard" part in sight.
My son started ignoring me, my daughter waked up early to have a glimpse of me before I go.
I finaly ended it (mostly when the word Divorce was pronounced out loud) and fight to be a member of my family again. And work from home.
For now, this period was the biggest mistake of my near-half-a-century life, and until the kids can take themselves in charge, I won't move from home again.
[+] [-] feistypharit|6 years ago|reply
She's now 5 and her brother is 7. They grow out of febrile seizures and luckily she hasn't had one now for about 2 years. Overall she had about half a dozen.
Besides that, the reason I also it is because if one day, my child is a drug addict, asshole, school shooter, or any other "failure" of sorts. If someone asks me if I did everything I could to prevent it. My answer will be yes, I gave it my all.
It seems in the US when people say I want to provide for my children, they mean money. But more money doesn't really help your kids, it helps you. What kids really need is people to provide time.
[+] [-] purephase|6 years ago|reply
I get to be far more involved in my kids day-to-day, I know their teachers, friends, and generally what's happening in their lives.
I think of the alternative (what I grew up with, and what a lot of my friends with kids are still doing) and it's sad.
Barring the awful circumstances of the article (my heart goes out to the author) spending time with our children shouldn't be a chore to fit in.
Hug them, tell them how much they mean to you, that's important. Being present in their lives though, for the brief period that life affords us, that is essential.
[+] [-] sailfast|6 years ago|reply
This post was both heartbreaking, heartwarming, and very emotional to read. Thank you to the author for sharing your story.
[+] [-] stasusmt|6 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] ChuckMcM|6 years ago|reply
One of the unfortunate challenges of tech work is that as someone young and single you can spend all your time at work with your colleagues building really cool stuff and get the social fix and the financial rewards of lots of hard work. And if you get married and have kids, and suddenly the demands of the family keeps you from putting in the same amount of time at work, well you find yourself either explaining to your boss why you aren't getting as much done, or explaining to your spouse why you don't seem them as much as they would like. Can be tricky to navigate to a new normal.
[+] [-] ryanwaggoner|6 years ago|reply
This one: https://m.sfgate.com/bayarea/article/NTSB-Engine-failure-in-...
[+] [-] ip26|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] unknown|6 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] wtvanhest|6 years ago|reply
It has had a profound impact on how I think about everything, but especially the time I spend with our now 1 year old.
I'd recomend everyone read it, and internalize that you only get 52 weekends in a year. You also only get a handful of each holiday with your kids. His words are better than mine, and I encourage everyone to take the 2 minutes needed to read the essay, then implement a life strategy that gets you home with your family more.
[+] [-] jodrellblank|6 years ago|reply
And yet if you had a handful of 8 loaves of bread, it would be a lot of bread, if you had 8 luxurious chocolate truffles it would be more than you want to eat in one go. If you had 8 shelves of books the quantity would still "seem limited". If you stepped outside and there were 8 cars on your driveway, that would be a lot of cars and a long driveway, if none of them started and you had to walk 8 miles to the train station, that would be a long walk, if you went to the dentist and needed 8 fillings that would be a lot of fillings, and if there was a creature as tall as 8 humans, that would be a long horse.
Just choosing that the units of measure are peanuts and books, is not enough to establish that 8 is a small quantity, objectively and unquestionably. Everything is relative, everything is viewed in comparison to something different. Peanuts compared to how filling they are, books compared to .. how much choice you feel you deserve, outside of reading time. 8 books is quite a lot of reading time.
If you decide that 8 Christmasses is a paucity of Christmas, where did that decision come from? Why is it not enough, and how many would be enough? (and is the answer an eternal "just one more"?) If you have $8 but you want to spend $10 then $8 is not much money. If you have $8 but you want things which are ten a penny, $8 is a lot of things.
If we can't control how much we have, but we can choose what we want, why do we so often choose to want more than we have, then feel annoyed at the disinterested universe for being so mean to us?
[+] [-] citizenkeen|6 years ago|reply
I make probably $20K less than my peers. (I make $82K a year as a fourth year C# software dev. I've got a law degree and am willing to travel around the country a few weeks a year for stakeholder meetings.)
I'm home every day by 3:15. I take my son to the library, to the park, to the forest, to OMSI, on weekdays. Some days he and I just sit on the couch reading and talking about superheroes for two hours until dinner.
Do I feel envious of my peers who make more? Yes. A lot. The urge to keep up with the Joneses is strong. Do I second guess my decision? Never. My job is relaxed, I come home and party with my son and wife with energy. I cried reading this story, but it only affirms my decision.
[+] [-] whalesalad|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] CalRobert|6 years ago|reply
It might seem OK when you're single, childless, etc. but once that time starts coming from your family you will realize what a prison you've built yourself.
STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
[+] [-] edmundsauto|6 years ago|reply
The treadmill of re-inventing the technology wheel also looks like a prison.
[+] [-] JoshTriplett|6 years ago|reply
I love what I do, but I don't ever want to give people the impression or example that becoming a technical leader requires working 50+, 60+ hour weeks. I maintain a work/life balance, and I want people to see that you can maintain that balance at all levels.
[+] [-] adossi|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] smallgovt|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] vzidex|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] cloudytoday|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] thatfrenchguy|6 years ago|reply
It's not OK even when you're single and childless as well. The fact that people think it is is revolting.
[+] [-] diminoten|6 years ago|reply
"You shouldn't work hard because if you do, it makes me look bad and I don't want to look bad or work hard."
Some people have lives and the capacity optimized towards working many long hours. You can't tell us to stop, it's not fair.
[+] [-] scarejunba|6 years ago|reply
But there's nothing wrong with solo work that involves working late.
[+] [-] mieseratte|6 years ago|reply
I would argue the cowards who refuse to ever stand up to employers are the cause. If you aren't able to push back on your boss, you're fucked regardless of how many hours I choose to work.
[+] [-] dlandis|6 years ago|reply
It's just not true at all, and seems quite dramatic. A lot of people enjoy working on weekends or putting in long hours some days. When I was younger I would do it regularly, and I certainly don't begrudge or "hate" younger, childless colleagues who do that now, even if they involve me sometimes. Nor did I build myself a "prison". Stop demanding people live their lives how you want them to.
[+] [-] klik99|6 years ago|reply
A friend said it well when I was feeling guilty I wasn't putting more time into my work, "No one has ever looked back on their life and said 'I wish I spent less time with my family'".
[+] [-] unknown|6 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] dgzl|6 years ago|reply
Not everyone has a family worth being with.
[+] [-] nscalf|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] hi41|6 years ago|reply
On the other had, I met a lady at the gym counter. She looked very tired so I enquired about her. She said it was third job. She said that she was doing that just to barely put enough food on the table for her family. I think some of the benefits IT folks enjoy is not what rest of the world experiences. She too complained that she doesn’t spend enough time with her kids. Life is difficult for so many people that they to make such compromises. The rest of us who can take time off a little should put it to best use.
[+] [-] joelx|6 years ago|reply
I have massive newfound respect for parents, and especially for working single mothers. I have no idea how they do what they do. I am fortunate enough to have a nanny, work from home, and it's still very challenging.
[+] [-] ryanmarsh|6 years ago|reply
I've made it past that phase of my life, having missed the entire first year of my middle daughter's life, not being there properly for my family after the loss (cancer) of one of our daughters at 2 1/2. My oldest daughter (are you keeping count) who is 18, I barely know and am just now building a relationship with.
I have the luxury of not making that mistake with our youngest daughter (we're up to 4 girls now) who is now 5. I still remember giving up time at home so that I could ensure I kept my job and was investing in the skills to get the next raise.
Hindsight is 20/20 and you already know what I'm going to tell you. You'd be surprised how little of your stress about your current job translates to you keeping it, but that stress makes you grumpy or distant and difficult to feel love from. You'd be surprised how something as small as dinner together, tucking them in at night, or an unrushed breakfast, can take so little time but mean so much to you and to them, still leaving you with the time to advance your career on behalf of the ones you love.
Please spend those special moments, they're so few and they pass so quickly. Your family likely won't starve, and maybe even getting fired from a toxic environment will be the break you need to see what else the world has out there for you and your family.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Jeremiah 29:11
[+] [-] WA|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] a_c|6 years ago|reply
Thanks for the article
[+] [-] badloginagain|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] choeger|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ElijahLynn|6 years ago|reply
"I’m guessing you have 1:1 meetings on the books with a lot of people you work with. Do you have them regularly scheduled with your kids?"
I am totally doing this, but more like 1:1 days.
[+] [-] wastedhours|6 years ago|reply
Don't fall into the trap of thinking that making it to the odd piano recital is the same as being there every day for dinner.
As the piece sadly reminds us, that calendar invite might be scheduled too late.
[+] [-] leshow|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] steve_adams_86|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] univalent|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] breck|6 years ago|reply
As a new father, things like SUDEP and SIDS are terrifying. I hope one day technology will improve, so we'll have fitness bands or smart cameras or smart mattresses that can detect these rare events and report back data so we can understand them, and hopefully at some point, intervene and prevent them. Sharing your story will hopefully inspire people to keep working on this kind of thing, so hopefully it might help save some other child in the future.
[+] [-] trentnix|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] hprotagonist|6 years ago|reply
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.
As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.
I hope you heal in time, and we're with you in your grief.
[+] [-] ph0rque|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Aaronstotle|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] A1phab3t|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] southerndrift|6 years ago|reply
To me, this sounds like the father shouldn't be worried too much. Wiley loved the way his father was to the point of wanting to emulate him.
>Damn, could that kid dance.
The kid gave it all, like his father. Without such a role model, would he have been the same kid? Would he have had such a precious life?