That's what makes it passive-aggressive, it can be perceived as three steps of manipulation to get to a fourth step. If your ultimate intent is to make a request, then make a request.
Ending at third step and leaving request unstated sounds highly manipulative to me, because the other party now has to figure out what you really want. Going straight to the request makes the tone do all the work - whether the exact request is even registered by the other party, or whether they feel forced to abandon their plans, all depends on how you voice your words.
Perhaps people are different, but I'm of the type that I absolutely want to hear both what you want and reasoning why you want it, and I tend to pick up and overanalyze the tone if you leave either part unstated.
The article left out a key part of 'make a request', which is Rosenberg redefines the word slightly. It isn't really the right word to use; what it means is 'don't complicate a request with unrelated matters'.
"Clean this up before you do anything else." isn't necessarily a Rosenberg-demand and "would you be willing to put your socks in the washing machine?" isn't necessarily a Rosenberg-request. The test is what happens if the person says no.
If in the first case that is the end of the matter then it was secretly a request dressed up in hard language.
If in the second case there is an hour of cold-shouldering and recriminations then it was really a demand dressed up in flowery language.
A lot of times the steps are actually necessary, because the request isn't followed. That was my problem when I had a coach teaching me about NVC. I wasn't able to communicate effectively with them and I was really stressed out.
I think there are technical people who just care about getting things done and other people who need to have a nice package, because they want their feelings not to be hurt. These are the people who start their requests in chat with "Hi, how are you? Do you have time, I need something ..."
The only way to communicate with these people is NVC.
avar|6 years ago
TeMPOraL|6 years ago
Perhaps people are different, but I'm of the type that I absolutely want to hear both what you want and reasoning why you want it, and I tend to pick up and overanalyze the tone if you leave either part unstated.
roenxi|6 years ago
"Clean this up before you do anything else." isn't necessarily a Rosenberg-demand and "would you be willing to put your socks in the washing machine?" isn't necessarily a Rosenberg-request. The test is what happens if the person says no.
If in the first case that is the end of the matter then it was secretly a request dressed up in hard language.
If in the second case there is an hour of cold-shouldering and recriminations then it was really a demand dressed up in flowery language.
rmetzler|6 years ago
I think there are technical people who just care about getting things done and other people who need to have a nice package, because they want their feelings not to be hurt. These are the people who start their requests in chat with "Hi, how are you? Do you have time, I need something ..."
The only way to communicate with these people is NVC.