[cannonedhamster]

I've got terminal cancer in the US. I'm looking at the prospect of losing my job, which means my health insurance, which means I'll have to stop getting treatment and die. I feel you about constant anxiety. Might I first suggest you realize you're human and that where you're at isn't some crazy abnormal place right now.

I've had times where I've gotten frustrated because with a literal deadline I'm still just too tired to get things done and I beat myself up over things I can't control so it's easy for me to negate the small progress I make because I'm comparing myself to a healthy version of myself.

I'm glad to see that you are in therapy. It's going to feel like some days you get nowhere. Remember that any goal you're trying to attain that's difficult is like climbing a mountain. The higher up you go the harder it is to see all the individual steps it took to get there. With life once you get to the top of one mountain, there's always another mountain to climb. It's a journey not an objective.

There's a Buddhist saying that's helped me when I get frustrated at myself for getting set back."Begin Again". Get stuck on something, begin again. Life intrude on your learning for a bit? Begin again. Lose everything in a terrible storm ? Begin again.

For reviving the love of coding, I suggest doing something you either enjoy with coding or something you see as having purpose. Make it small as a project, then break it up into smaller parts. Start with the hard part. When you get frustrated work on something easy or give yourself some time to just think on the problem. Is there a different way to view it, are you trying to be too complicated, what would it look like if you could be absolutely sure it would work, are there smaller tasks this could be broken into that would be easier to solve apart?

You're worth putting in this effort. You can do it. Love and light.

[disturbed]

I’m sorry about your condition. Compared to that, my problems are insignificant.

I try from time to time to code something... I’ve been learning F# lately. I force myself to sit in front of computer and do something, anything.

But, somehow everything is tainted by the thought of going to “the pit” in the morning. I don’t know how to overcome that - to disconnect when I leave office.

[cannonedhamster]

I've been really lucky in my treatment and I'm well past my expected survivability so I'm good with the condition.

Regarding the taint you feel, that's similar to writers block. Try a different setting if you can, make sure you're enjoying yourself before you start. Then just go with it. No expectations, no harsh deadlines. You get done what you get done and you're going to have fun doing it. This is going to sound like a really odd thing to do but it really does change some things, take a few deep breaths holding them for a bit before letting them go and after that just shake the anxiety out. Shake your whole body until you feel silly. When you sit down, smile, even if it's forced and make sure your posture is not slouched. Your mind will follow your body. Then start whatever it is you want to do.

[craigr1972]

I'm very sorry. "Begin again" could well be the best advice anyone could ever give or receive.

[cannonedhamster]

It really hit home with me when I heard it. I'm really hard on myself, especially since with so many balls in the air it can be easy to drop one now and again. When I heard those words it was like a ton of bricks I'd been carrying were just set down because it was so simple, yet so profound to me. If I dropped a ball it wasn't failure, it was just pausing those things in life I couldn't make space for, when I had the space I could take them right back up. I'm glad it resonated with you as well.