> “We’re all just big, complicated bags of emotion walking around.”
This has been the most important discovery from my startup journey, and the topic on which I now place the greatest focus.
I was in the YC batch of winter 2009 – the one that included Airbnb. It was a small batch, so we all got to know each other pretty well.
There was something that really made the Airbnb founders stand out from the rest in that batch.
It wasn't that they seemed to have the best business idea; as has been widely written about before, PG and the other YC partners thought their "eBay for space" concept was stupid and would soon fail, then they would hopefully move onto something more promising.
But for some reason, everyone just assumed that these guys were on a sure path to huge success, and in the batch voting on the most promising startup just before demo day, they won by a huge margin.
I didn't grasp this at the time, but over my own startup journey I realised that the factor that made them seem so promising, and the one that held me back and all the other companies that didn't make it, was emotional strength and stability [1].
The Airbnb guys just really seemed to have their shit together emotionally. Not in any bulletproof, infallible way; they had their weaknesses, and made mistakes like everyone else, but they had a unique ability to cop the hits, learn the key lessons and bounce back better from every challenge and setback, and thus they kept growing and progressing at an astonishingly rapid rate.
I, on the other hand, whose business concept was considered by some others to be at least as solid, was far more sensitive and emotionally fragile, and I would become increasingly scarred by setbacks and criticisms, and paralysed by fear of further torment.
Though we battled on for five years, I became physically and mentally exhausted, and ultimately had to step away to let my co-founder and a new CEO to take over.
In the six-plus years since then, it's been my primary focus to overcome all my deeply held traumas and unhealthy emotional/behavioural patterns, and to become as grounded and rounded a person as possible.
And as my healing journey has progressed, any ambitions I held to achieve business success on par with the Airbnb founders has faded, and been eclipsed by the realisation that in order to do _anything_ well – from running businesses and leading social/political movements, to simply having successful friendships/relationships, a healthy family life and a physiologically healthy body – a healthy emotional foundation is of prime importance.
And as I methodically work though my emotional baggage, all those key aspects of my life - career, family/friendships, and physical health - have steadily improved, but my ambitions and visions of a desirable future have also significantly changed from what they were when I entered YC.
Exactly what that means for my ultimate career/life outcome is still very unclear, and to me, these days, not especially important.
But one thing is for sure; whereas I'd initially hoped that getting into YC would put me on a path to building a "unicorn" tech company, the way it ended up changing my life has turned out to be far more profound.
[1] The other thing that made them stand out was that they were by far the most nice and supportive to everyone else in the batch, which I've also since learned is a sign of emotional roundedness and wholeness; when you really have it together yourself, you have plenty of positive energy to share with others.
I'm touched by your vulnerability and openness. It reminds me of a client who had built a billion dollar company and wanted my help building his next one. My immediate sense was that that was not really why we were talking or why he was here. We kept going and eventually I challenged him asking whether he had really built a billion dollar fortress to never need to be vulnerable. He broke down and we went deep, uncovering some of the deepest trauma I'd seen someone go through when they were 4 years old. From there, everything shifted and things took a very different direction.
It's those kinds of insights, when as you say "as my healing journey has progressed, any ambitions I held to achieve business success on par with the Airbnb founders has faded, and been eclipsed by the realisation in order to anything really well – from running businesses and leading social/political movements, to simply having successful friendships/relationships, a healthy family life and a physiologically healthy body – a healthy emotional foundation is of prime importance.", once we really get in touch with our inner world, things shift dramatically and what has meaning to us changes. That doesn't mean that we don't want to to continue having a meaningful contribution to the world, but the sense of ego-striving that is often just a mask for our wounds can gently fall away and allow us to walk through life a little more freely.
My learning has been whether you get to the billion dollar level or not, the untouched wounding eventually comes through and takes its toll if it stays unaddressed. It's stories like yours and the one I've described that make coaching the most meaningful thing I've done in my life to date.
When Airbnb popped up on my screen I was in Siberia having my website rewritten from scratch after 8 years of spaghetti code.
It was the same thing and Airbnb which was just designed better (in 2008).
When a couple of years later I finally realized they destroyed my business it took me some time to admit I didn't really miss a chance: I had none to begin with.
I just don't have what it takes to grow a business to those levels.
In my case it's probably not an emotional issue, but it has still a lot to do with personality.
I guess my takeaway is: not everyone can be a CEO of a unicorn and this is fine.
It is difficult deciding if this is inspiring or discouraging. The way you describe the Airbnb founders it feels like they had some intrinsic ability or talent. I think I have always viewed failure as not working hard enough, or smart enough, almost getting there but just not quite getting it right. Reminders that you may be failing because you might just not have ‘it’, and that no amount of work will get you there are kinda brutal.
I always think back to being 8 years old and running with my friends. Some kids were just faster, others were slower. No one was training or working at it, no one was reading up on techniques at night. Some kids were just better. Are most of us just the kids in the middle trying to be the fast ones? Is self-acceptance, tempering of expectations and emotional growth a road to happiness or the silver medal of people who were just not good enough?
I had a psychotic break and almost torched my career and I had a similar epiphany that emotional stability trumps everything. My only critique is if you frame emotional stability as a foundation to achieve all these other ambitions then to some extent you’ve circled back right to where you started. The emotional stability is it’s own reward and worth infinitely more than a successful business.
By the way, since someone has already asked (and I generally get requests for more info when I write about this stuff here) people are welcome to contact me if they want to know more about techniques I’ve used for emotional healing.
I’m working on some written material to share my learnings with others who may benefit from it, so if you get in touch I can share it when it’s ready.
“when you really have it together yourself, you have plenty of positive energy to share with others.”
That’s a really important point. I tend to think about is an emotional gas tank. When it’s full, it’s much easier to be generous and help others. On the other hand, if your gas tank is empty, you are busy enough to keep yourself going and have no capacity for helping others or even for compassion.
I always wonder if some place like YC could use a resident therapist/psychologist. Someone who meets with founders as needed or on a weekly basis. Might be helpful.. After watching the Showtime show "Billions", the idea seems like a pretty interesting innovation.
Tom, could you please share how you've worked on your emotional wholeness? This is an issue I recognize in myself, but do not know how to begin to heal.
>And as my healing journey has progressed, any ambitions I held to achieve business success on par with the Airbnb founders has faded, and been eclipsed by the realisation in order to do _anything_ well – from running businesses and leading social/political movements, to simply having successful friendships/relationships, a healthy family life and a physiologically healthy body – a healthy emotional foundation is of prime importance.
I feel also one has to realize that he can't have it all in life. I think its almost impossible and out of our nature to be able to achieve greatness in all fields. You might be the most successful CEO in the world and having the most money in the world but that doesn't mean that you are going to have and lead a successful family life as well.
Same way you can be successful at having a nice family and a loving partner etc but that requires time, time which you'll not be able to invest the time that being a CEO requires.
Thats my personal take from life so far - you have to decide what you want to be.
This has to be one of the best comments I've read on HN.
I've failed many times in my life on different adventures and it has always been because I couldn't see what was really going on due to frustration, emotional traumas, etc. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and I can see that a lot more clearly now that I turned 40.
My career is far from the place I want it to be and I've emotionally dealt with the setbacks by changing how I interpret failure.
I used to think of failure as lead bricks I'd collect and forever lug around whenever I didn't meet a goal. An infinite burden with no purpose.
Now I think of failure as a heavy work out. Rather than bearing a burden of failure, I fill the experience rips/tears with knowledge protein. It's a semi-silly analogy, but it's really helped me. Knowledge + experience = wisdom.
What really resonates when reading your excellent post here is that Marcus Aurelius was really on to something with this brand of stoicism. Reading Meditations is difficult because of the style and just translating from 2000 year old language rather different from English but it seems very relevant to the life of a founder, any leader, or really anyone.
Thanks for sharing Tom. I enjoyed your recent LI post about some of the recent successes you’ve helped create in multiple businesses - it really seemed (with all the social media caveats) that you’ve been focused and continue to create enormous value around you.
Thank you for sharing so openly! My career and business life has been at best mediocre by most common measures. The inner journey though has been immensely rich.
"Who are you willing to continue to become, even after you’ve accomplished some success? What are you willing to risk, to continue going in the direction that is calling you?"
This is a really provocative and powerful post, you have a unique coaching perspective being grounded in somatic trauma therapy.
As a fellow male (British) ex-startup founder I can certainly relate to being disconnected from my emotions. What are some of the most effective means for encouraging your conversation partners to start listening and tune in?
Also, what might be some questions to ask a potential coach to see if the relationship would be a good fit?
I'd like to reframe this, I think there's only one way to know if someone is a good fit for you - to have a proper, real, deep coaching session. As a software founder I have the idea of a "trial" baked into me, so I think this is no different here. I sometimes coach people for weeks at a time (there's no payment), so that both of us know whether this is right for us (I have the privilege that money is not an issue for me). So that I think is the most powerful, because at that point someone can truthfully commit and go all in and I think for a coaching partnership to be successful, that's the only way in my mind. When someone asks me I often say "let's coach and you can make up your mind after...", this really takes the pressure off, which can otherwise dilute a process that I think is honestly, holy in my book. In other words, if there's a coach you think could be helpful, ask them for a free, full-on coaching session so you can understand if there's a good fit.
And the most effective means to tune in in my experience are simply finding ways to slow down. Pausing, in talking, in walking, being in places that are less crowded. Tuning in during a walk in a park is much easier than in a busy restaurant. And pointing things out that you notice if someone is really charged about something, although that is a delicate process of course. But that's where I'd start.
Agreed, success can be a lonely journey. That's why it's important to have the right kind of support. Courage is not something that comes from within, it comes from the confidence you gain as a result of feeling nurtured and supported by your peers.
It's important to think of success not as a destination, but as a means to a more meaningful end. Because success gives you the necessary tools and momentum to drive even more positive change in the world. As a successful person who has proven the value of their skills, it's your duty to leverage your past successes to maximize the positive impact that you can have in the world through more successful ventures. It's important to not let that raw innate talent go to waste because it is a rare and precious resource for all of humanity.
You must keep pushing forward knowing that your success is directly correlated with the good of society. At times, it may not seem that way, but if you look at historical evidence, there is a strong correlation between wealth inequality and the well being of society as a whole. As a successful person, you are the product and a symbol of a healthy society and your duty is to continue on this never ending journey to inspire others and to drive positive change in the world.
The best way to help the rest of the world succeed is by furthering your own success.
"Be the change that you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi
You need to learn to trust the system which allowed you to succeed in the first place and rest assured that others who share this level of trust and commitment will also succeed.
If you're currently struggling to follow your inner voice and you feel like you need some guidance, don't hesitate to get in touch with me via private messages. My fees are reasonable.
>What are some of the most effective means for encouraging your conversation partners to start listening and tune in?
Couple therapy? There is an abundance of counselors, and since you're the one doing all the work anyway it will hardly matter they have no startup expertise.
As a coach to similar-level people and professor/coach to elite students at NYU and Columbia Business School, I'm also impressed by how much the social and emotional challenges can be overcome with a few exercises that teach social and emotional skills.
It amazes me that our educational system at every level teaches so much information, knowledge, and analytical skill but virtually ignores teaching social and emotional skills, I guess because we can't test them in a way to stratify learners.
Most of my practice is leading clients and students through these exercises, which I call the basics or fundamentals of leadership, initiative, and entrepreneurship. In every other performance-based field we don't lecture and test but teach the basics and perform -- sports, acting, singing, musical instruments, the military (basic training).
A few exercises make master the following a matter of rehearsal and practice, not necessarily easy or fast, but straightforward and effective:
> The hardest of hard things to deal with for all these people (including myself, when I work with my own coach), no matter the level of success, is the perpetual, ever-recurring loop of mental chatter, difficult emotions and body sensations. To frame differently, it’s our capacity to be with what’s alive and right in front of us, whether we like that or not in any given moment.
I'm a follower of this priority aswell. I can't tame the onslaught, but I can ensure that my focus is spent in the right places.
I'd love to hear more about this topic as I often have issues communicating what I mean by that, as many other people in my environment want to see get things done "one after the other".
One thing I recently learned: Talking about "impact" rather than "importance" makes prioritization easier.
Why?
"Importance" pushes you to think about less tangible value judgements, including anxieties that your brain wants to escape from thinking about. "How important is it to write a clear Definition of Done for a junior engineer?" -- "ummm...kinda ...very? (I am a good manager...right?)"
"Impact" pushes you to think about more tangble events, including risks that your brain can concretely imagine their cost. "What is the impact when you write a clear Definition of Done for a junior engineer?" -- "It prevents them from misunderstanding the goal of a task so they're less likely to go down a rabbit hole. It enables them to execute more quickly by strengthening thier brain's 'you're doing the right thing, keep doing' motivation signal. It spends an opportunity to teach them how to identify a clear Definition of Done. It spends some of my time."
Because the cost/benefit of a task's impact is more imaginable, it is easier to decide to spend more resources to do it right or to cleanly abandon the task.
I had the pleasure of working with a brilliant owner of this media company, and what he did was this : he only gave me one task to focus on. Even if I asked if anything more was coming up I was told not to worry about it. He made sure everything worked out right, so truly a manager / leader in spirit.
The great thing was it created a peaceful atmosphere in the company. Focus is great, and fully agree with the article.
It's interesting to read the original post, your comment, and the responses to your comment. There are many different uses of the word "focus" and its relationship with saving time.
For me, focus is simply about depth over breadth.
If you want to do high quality work and enjoy it, you need to clear up your schedule to give a particular endeavor the time it deserves and then some. You do this by shrinking the scope of what you're working on down to something manageable, something you can do a stellar job on in the time allotted. That requires saying no to everything else, even things that are promising. You can get to those later.
If you want to do mediocre work, then take on huge projects with a ton of responsibilities, and try to work on them all simultaneously. Not only will the quality of your output suffer, but as an added bonus, you'll earn a packed calendar.
Think of your different pursuits and interests as games. Game of your relationship, of making great product or game of making money.
For each of those games you can think about what optimal move is right now. You may not know the truth but you can decide what you think it is.
Now the problem is that if these games are different, then inevitably, by definition you'll come to a point at which given move is great in your game A but sucks in your game B.
And that's The Game. I could write whole lot more about it because I've spend a long time thinking about it, but I think most HN readers can take it from there.
But that's how I see focus. You feel great when you focus on a single game. Then you don't have all those nasty conflicts (which are really the only problem you have in life - not a bad situation - a problem). It's rare though. There are games like social status etc. that you may not even know you're playing.
I would be interested to know more about this, because for me time isn’t the problem, it’s my lack of focus.
During my recent holiday, I took a different approach, and instead of telling myself to work on something from 9am to 12pm. I just woke up naturally and kinda did what I felt doing. Most days this was going to the gym in the morning, and then going to a coffee shop. I probably spend less time working on my project then I usually do, but I managed to complete so much more work, mostly because my time was extremely focussed and I wouldn’t drift off.
"He dared to ask what would happen if he were to truly listen and hold space, without jamming the meeting with his ideas on what to do and how to solve things."
Over the past year I have made a conscious effort to do this in all my conversations. Two things really stood out for me: first, I was a REALLY bad listener. I would interrupt a lot because I assumed I knew what the person was getting at.
The second is that sooooo many people do that as well and it's incredibly frustrating to be interrupted like that. What's worse; about 75% of the time they are completely wrong about what I'm about to say. Just as I was when I did this. Not long ago, I had finally had my fill with an Amazon support rep and had to interrupt his constant interruptions and say, "You have GOT to stop answering questions I'm not asking." He thankfully realized what he was doing and took a step back to listen to what my problem really was.
Another thing I've noticed is that the smarter the person is and/or perceives themselves to be and/or are told they are, the more they do this. Which means, this happens a LOT in technology circles, which is unfortunate given how critical communication is to our jobs.
It has really made a positive difference in how I deal with people though. In listening to people, and I mean really listening to them (with intent to understand and not just to reply) you learn so much more about that person. You notice things about them that you hadn't noticed before. You come to understand them at a deeper level I feel. This kind of listening is definitely something I'm trying to continue.
Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest,
Learn more than thou trowest,
Set less than thou throwest;
Leave thy drink and thy whore,
And keep in-a-door,
And thou shalt have more
Than two tens to a score.
You’re a much ‘purer’ coach than I am, in the sense that I provide a lot more business advice and fewer questions [1]. Even so, I wholeheartedly agree with your observation that it is the personal fears and self-work that is most impacting these leaders and their businesses.
I also acknowledge your reference to your own coach. It amazes me (and I’ve been doing this since 2006) how many other business coaches I meet who don’t see the value in having their own coach. That says a lot about a career (I wouldn’t call us a profession) that is loaded with unqualified shonks.
I look forward to re-reading this piece many times. Thanks.
[1] An artefact of my clients, who are generally $2-$20M ARR with limited prior business experience, and my own business model which engages leadership teams more and longer, more regular coaching sessions.
Thank you for this write-up. I recently (last ~3 weeks) started working with a coach for the very first time in my career. I think I've been nibbling around the edges of a lot of what you address directly here. What I'm only now starting to have the haziest notion of is how many so-called limitations and struggles might actually be almost total fabrications of the emotional part of my mind. I wish I had been working with a coach a lot earlier in my career.
Thanks for writing this, it’s a great end of the year reminder. Enjoyed your focus on sensations! I did a 10 day silent Vipassna retreat and the importance of sensations was such a revealing insight they drilled down on.
I don’t want the struggle anymore. I could handle it when my nervous system was stable, when my ego mind had solidified logical pathways to bypass physical, and likely emotional, pain that had started when I was 4 or 5 years old - the full extent of which was masked, hidden, until my journey towards holistic healing practices lead me to Ayahuasca ceremonies - which dissolved my ego and reintroduced me to the intolerable level of physical injury below. I still haven’t been able to find stable footing, I struggle day to day, even though over the last 3+ years I have successfully healed a significant amount of physical pain with stem cell treatments allowing me to get closer to grounding, still a significant amount of pain remaining preventing me from ever fully grounding, the aversion from pain, unknown how much of the pain I will be able to heal.
What I had been holding onto, for hope, for distracting my mind, was hope for my very ambitious projects. The first difficult lesson in letting go was ~4 years ago; I really haven’t kept track of time, there’s no value in that I’ve found. I was developing a platform for the yoga community and successfully launched with decent number of yoga instructors actively using it, and was ready to scale - with the help of my then girlfriend and business partner I brought on when platform was ready to scale, who mainly was tasked with outreach and support. I struggled for a few months to find a way to keep this project alive and growing - I couldn’t. Perhaps fortunately design is where my skill development lead me, and so over the last few years a main focus I had was redesigning the platform of which I completed 80-90% of the new version, however I let go of that many months ago now - I just can’t handle managing or arranging for the next steps for such a relatively complex project; I know the market better than most, the new updated model if implemented would scale very quickly - I am certain if I could write an executive summary to explain the game plan I could convince anyone the vision will be successful, except there’s no point because I can’t execute or guide the execution of it.
All around the same time as struggling to keep the project alive, to scale: the relationship with my then girlfriend fell apart primarily due to my difficulty coping with the pain I could no longer be the stability she needed, I had to fly back from our outreach in Silicon Valley to watch my father who had requested euthanasia - but denied it - suffocate, drown to death in his hospital bed due to his body being weak and him catching pneumonia (pneumonia his lungs) in the hospital - watching along with my mother and sister; https://mattamyers.tumblr.com/post/120321181606/my-father-pa.... It was ultimately the grieving of my father’s death that reduced my available tolerance for the difficulties of the relationship to zero.
As I say, my first project has always been myself - trying my best to organize the next treatments, to try to problem solve what else may be going on. Healing myself has been difficult on its own though with my executive function being greatly disrupted due to the pain, and though I have tried again at different times - mostly after when significant healing has occurred, I still can’t handle the normal stress of moving a project forward, of hiring and managing others. I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle any normal life stress - whether for what I consider my life’s work, writing a detailed book of my journey, moving my projects forward - a network of health-wellness differentiated platforms to help shift society toward a healthier path, friendships or more - I simply am stuck from moving forward with all of this; this has difficulty psychologically of course. It is rare that the conditions are right that allow me to stream of consciousness write like this, where I write everything in one go, which allows there to be some organization inherently in the thoughts - otherwise I’m generally unable to organize a longer story from pieces written at different times - a part of mental organization tied to executive function.
The turmoil from not having a stable foundation for my brain, or perhaps mind to stem from, to develop patterns of behaviour, autonomous nervous system habits, executing thoughts toward behaviour allowing me to move forward without being constantly interrupted by physical pain, psychologically has been varying degrees of hell on Earth.
Two years ago it seemed I was better able to trick myself, delude myself, into thinking that I would soon reach the tipping point where enough pain would be healed where my executive function and life could begin to be rebuilt; https://mattamyers.tumblr.com/post/160104127401/on-days-like.... It’s however been 2 more years of stem cell treatments with unimaginable difficulty day to day, week to week, year to year, of struggle trying to cope - cycling through patterns and attempting to maintain a routine to provide as much stability as possible for myself.
When I write something long like this I wonder if it will be the last coherent piece I write to share my story. It feels cathartic to share my story, as we’re designed or evolved to story tell to pass on knowledge - however it is the rare time where I am able to compile something as clear as I feel this is, and so unfortunately it can’t end up part of my routine. I step carefully to not touch on details of my journey including near constant occurrences of incompetence, abandonment, lack of adequate support to not too strongly trigger emotions, stress including post-traumatic stress, that my nervous system just can’t handle due to the constant injection, sensitization of my nervous system.
I no longer care to actually share my vision for my projects, it isn’t useful to have hope - in fact optimism increases the contrast creating higher peaks and valleys with the pain, reducing how stable or flat foundation is possible. I could be hopeful, optimistic - I’m not broken that way - however ultimately I’d need the help of others to move my projects forward and that doesn’t happen, no help for me day to day or organizing treatments or someone problem solving for me what else could be going on with my nervous system, and no help for me for my projects; I can’t even ask for help any longer and don’t want to because the thought of moving forward engages executive function, your mind and thoughts lead to the body preparing itself for action - which for me, my body trying to engage triggers, tries grounds into the pain — aversion. It seems everyone has difficulty understanding just how locked up I am with moving forward in life, most everyone - especially doctors - not willing to read anything long form like this either.
So currently I am in a very dark place, more calm today after the storm that this past week has been. I do have another stem cell treatment middle of January already booked and organized, that at least today, I feel like I’ll make it to. A month ago I found out after doing a microbiome test I have an h.pylori infection - probably for many years now, that if treated may or may not reduce pressure on my body and reduce symptoms. It took me until a few days ago to order the supplements the doctor wanted me to take for a few weeks before starting antibiotics for a few weeks. There are other treatments and other diagnostics I still need to try organize. I normally share the actual incidents and causes of physical injury, though I don’t care to at the moment, and I am getting mentally exhausted now so my writing will start to fall apart if I continue trying to add to this and would start adding exponential more stress if I tried to push.
I don’t expect anyone to read this - though a thank you to other commenters who inspired me with their openness, and to LeonW’s thoughtful responses that let me feel this would be a safe space to share. And apologies if anything is incoherent, too mentally exhausted now to proof read what I wrote.
Interesting. I was surprised there was more talk about the value of communication. It seems to me plenty of friction rests from different forms of comms - professional asw well as personal - gone astray.
For exame, given the first point (we're emotional) a comms void can often be fill with false assumptions. Going forward is going to go sideways.
Yes. We can improve our inner selves. But sooner or later we need to interface with others. That innerface is comms.
I also find it highly convenient that "I operate with an agreement of confidentiality, all of the below is anonymous".
I would imagine odds are decent that several of the "101" he's coached are regular news readers and would pipe up saying how much they benefited from Leo's guidance, yet I don't see any comments as such.
Why wouldn't you get permission from some of your clients to use their name's? Surely out of 101, five percent would agree to be noted.
[+] [-] tomhoward|6 years ago|reply
This has been the most important discovery from my startup journey, and the topic on which I now place the greatest focus.
I was in the YC batch of winter 2009 – the one that included Airbnb. It was a small batch, so we all got to know each other pretty well.
There was something that really made the Airbnb founders stand out from the rest in that batch.
It wasn't that they seemed to have the best business idea; as has been widely written about before, PG and the other YC partners thought their "eBay for space" concept was stupid and would soon fail, then they would hopefully move onto something more promising.
But for some reason, everyone just assumed that these guys were on a sure path to huge success, and in the batch voting on the most promising startup just before demo day, they won by a huge margin.
I didn't grasp this at the time, but over my own startup journey I realised that the factor that made them seem so promising, and the one that held me back and all the other companies that didn't make it, was emotional strength and stability [1].
The Airbnb guys just really seemed to have their shit together emotionally. Not in any bulletproof, infallible way; they had their weaknesses, and made mistakes like everyone else, but they had a unique ability to cop the hits, learn the key lessons and bounce back better from every challenge and setback, and thus they kept growing and progressing at an astonishingly rapid rate.
I, on the other hand, whose business concept was considered by some others to be at least as solid, was far more sensitive and emotionally fragile, and I would become increasingly scarred by setbacks and criticisms, and paralysed by fear of further torment.
Though we battled on for five years, I became physically and mentally exhausted, and ultimately had to step away to let my co-founder and a new CEO to take over.
In the six-plus years since then, it's been my primary focus to overcome all my deeply held traumas and unhealthy emotional/behavioural patterns, and to become as grounded and rounded a person as possible.
And as my healing journey has progressed, any ambitions I held to achieve business success on par with the Airbnb founders has faded, and been eclipsed by the realisation that in order to do _anything_ well – from running businesses and leading social/political movements, to simply having successful friendships/relationships, a healthy family life and a physiologically healthy body – a healthy emotional foundation is of prime importance.
And as I methodically work though my emotional baggage, all those key aspects of my life - career, family/friendships, and physical health - have steadily improved, but my ambitions and visions of a desirable future have also significantly changed from what they were when I entered YC.
Exactly what that means for my ultimate career/life outcome is still very unclear, and to me, these days, not especially important.
But one thing is for sure; whereas I'd initially hoped that getting into YC would put me on a path to building a "unicorn" tech company, the way it ended up changing my life has turned out to be far more profound.
[1] The other thing that made them stand out was that they were by far the most nice and supportive to everyone else in the batch, which I've also since learned is a sign of emotional roundedness and wholeness; when you really have it together yourself, you have plenty of positive energy to share with others.
[+] [-] LeonW|6 years ago|reply
My learning has been whether you get to the billion dollar level or not, the untouched wounding eventually comes through and takes its toll if it stays unaddressed. It's stories like yours and the one I've described that make coaching the most meaningful thing I've done in my life to date.
[+] [-] Lucadg|6 years ago|reply
When Airbnb popped up on my screen I was in Siberia having my website rewritten from scratch after 8 years of spaghetti code.
It was the same thing and Airbnb which was just designed better (in 2008).
When a couple of years later I finally realized they destroyed my business it took me some time to admit I didn't really miss a chance: I had none to begin with.
I just don't have what it takes to grow a business to those levels.
In my case it's probably not an emotional issue, but it has still a lot to do with personality.
I guess my takeaway is: not everyone can be a CEO of a unicorn and this is fine.
[+] [-] ericmcer|6 years ago|reply
I always think back to being 8 years old and running with my friends. Some kids were just faster, others were slower. No one was training or working at it, no one was reading up on techniques at night. Some kids were just better. Are most of us just the kids in the middle trying to be the fast ones? Is self-acceptance, tempering of expectations and emotional growth a road to happiness or the silver medal of people who were just not good enough?
[+] [-] ditonal|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] tomhoward|6 years ago|reply
I’m working on some written material to share my learnings with others who may benefit from it, so if you get in touch I can share it when it’s ready.
Email address in profile.
[+] [-] Ididntdothis|6 years ago|reply
That’s a really important point. I tend to think about is an emotional gas tank. When it’s full, it’s much easier to be generous and help others. On the other hand, if your gas tank is empty, you are busy enough to keep yourself going and have no capacity for helping others or even for compassion.
[+] [-] sjg007|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] jacquesm|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] newtothebay|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] muse900|6 years ago|reply
I feel also one has to realize that he can't have it all in life. I think its almost impossible and out of our nature to be able to achieve greatness in all fields. You might be the most successful CEO in the world and having the most money in the world but that doesn't mean that you are going to have and lead a successful family life as well.
Same way you can be successful at having a nice family and a loving partner etc but that requires time, time which you'll not be able to invest the time that being a CEO requires.
Thats my personal take from life so far - you have to decide what you want to be.
[+] [-] pier25|6 years ago|reply
I've failed many times in my life on different adventures and it has always been because I couldn't see what was really going on due to frustration, emotional traumas, etc. Of course hindsight is 20/20 and I can see that a lot more clearly now that I turned 40.
[+] [-] bryanmgreen|6 years ago|reply
My career is far from the place I want it to be and I've emotionally dealt with the setbacks by changing how I interpret failure.
I used to think of failure as lead bricks I'd collect and forever lug around whenever I didn't meet a goal. An infinite burden with no purpose.
Now I think of failure as a heavy work out. Rather than bearing a burden of failure, I fill the experience rips/tears with knowledge protein. It's a semi-silly analogy, but it's really helped me. Knowledge + experience = wisdom.
PS. Adioso is great.
[+] [-] colechristensen|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] JacobAldridge|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] sandGorgon|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] 0xcraft|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] memn0nis|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] jonnym1ll3r|6 years ago|reply
This is a really provocative and powerful post, you have a unique coaching perspective being grounded in somatic trauma therapy.
As a fellow male (British) ex-startup founder I can certainly relate to being disconnected from my emotions. What are some of the most effective means for encouraging your conversation partners to start listening and tune in?
Also, what might be some questions to ask a potential coach to see if the relationship would be a good fit?
[+] [-] LeonW|6 years ago|reply
And the most effective means to tune in in my experience are simply finding ways to slow down. Pausing, in talking, in walking, being in places that are less crowded. Tuning in during a walk in a park is much easier than in a busy restaurant. And pointing things out that you notice if someone is really charged about something, although that is a delicate process of course. But that's where I'd start.
[+] [-] cryptica|6 years ago|reply
Agreed, success can be a lonely journey. That's why it's important to have the right kind of support. Courage is not something that comes from within, it comes from the confidence you gain as a result of feeling nurtured and supported by your peers.
It's important to think of success not as a destination, but as a means to a more meaningful end. Because success gives you the necessary tools and momentum to drive even more positive change in the world. As a successful person who has proven the value of their skills, it's your duty to leverage your past successes to maximize the positive impact that you can have in the world through more successful ventures. It's important to not let that raw innate talent go to waste because it is a rare and precious resource for all of humanity.
You must keep pushing forward knowing that your success is directly correlated with the good of society. At times, it may not seem that way, but if you look at historical evidence, there is a strong correlation between wealth inequality and the well being of society as a whole. As a successful person, you are the product and a symbol of a healthy society and your duty is to continue on this never ending journey to inspire others and to drive positive change in the world.
The best way to help the rest of the world succeed is by furthering your own success.
"Be the change that you wish to see in the world" - Mahatma Gandhi
You need to learn to trust the system which allowed you to succeed in the first place and rest assured that others who share this level of trust and commitment will also succeed.
If you're currently struggling to follow your inner voice and you feel like you need some guidance, don't hesitate to get in touch with me via private messages. My fees are reasonable.
[+] [-] DenisM|6 years ago|reply
Couple therapy? There is an abundance of counselors, and since you're the one doing all the work anyway it will hardly matter they have no startup expertise.
[+] [-] spodek|6 years ago|reply
It amazes me that our educational system at every level teaches so much information, knowledge, and analytical skill but virtually ignores teaching social and emotional skills, I guess because we can't test them in a way to stratify learners.
Most of my practice is leading clients and students through these exercises, which I call the basics or fundamentals of leadership, initiative, and entrepreneurship. In every other performance-based field we don't lecture and test but teach the basics and perform -- sports, acting, singing, musical instruments, the military (basic training).
A few exercises make master the following a matter of rehearsal and practice, not necessarily easy or fast, but straightforward and effective:
> The hardest of hard things to deal with for all these people (including myself, when I work with my own coach), no matter the level of success, is the perpetual, ever-recurring loop of mental chatter, difficult emotions and body sensations. To frame differently, it’s our capacity to be with what’s alive and right in front of us, whether we like that or not in any given moment.
[+] [-] Roritharr|6 years ago|reply
I'm a follower of this priority aswell. I can't tame the onslaught, but I can ensure that my focus is spent in the right places.
I'd love to hear more about this topic as I often have issues communicating what I mean by that, as many other people in my environment want to see get things done "one after the other".
[+] [-] afarrell|6 years ago|reply
Why?
"Importance" pushes you to think about less tangible value judgements, including anxieties that your brain wants to escape from thinking about. "How important is it to write a clear Definition of Done for a junior engineer?" -- "ummm...kinda ...very? (I am a good manager...right?)"
"Impact" pushes you to think about more tangble events, including risks that your brain can concretely imagine their cost. "What is the impact when you write a clear Definition of Done for a junior engineer?" -- "It prevents them from misunderstanding the goal of a task so they're less likely to go down a rabbit hole. It enables them to execute more quickly by strengthening thier brain's 'you're doing the right thing, keep doing' motivation signal. It spends an opportunity to teach them how to identify a clear Definition of Done. It spends some of my time."
Because the cost/benefit of a task's impact is more imaginable, it is easier to decide to spend more resources to do it right or to cleanly abandon the task.
[+] [-] prox|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] csallen|6 years ago|reply
For me, focus is simply about depth over breadth.
If you want to do high quality work and enjoy it, you need to clear up your schedule to give a particular endeavor the time it deserves and then some. You do this by shrinking the scope of what you're working on down to something manageable, something you can do a stellar job on in the time allotted. That requires saying no to everything else, even things that are promising. You can get to those later.
If you want to do mediocre work, then take on huge projects with a ton of responsibilities, and try to work on them all simultaneously. Not only will the quality of your output suffer, but as an added bonus, you'll earn a packed calendar.
[+] [-] comboy|6 years ago|reply
For each of those games you can think about what optimal move is right now. You may not know the truth but you can decide what you think it is.
Now the problem is that if these games are different, then inevitably, by definition you'll come to a point at which given move is great in your game A but sucks in your game B.
And that's The Game. I could write whole lot more about it because I've spend a long time thinking about it, but I think most HN readers can take it from there.
But that's how I see focus. You feel great when you focus on a single game. Then you don't have all those nasty conflicts (which are really the only problem you have in life - not a bad situation - a problem). It's rare though. There are games like social status etc. that you may not even know you're playing.
[+] [-] woutr_be|6 years ago|reply
During my recent holiday, I took a different approach, and instead of telling myself to work on something from 9am to 12pm. I just woke up naturally and kinda did what I felt doing. Most days this was going to the gym in the morning, and then going to a coffee shop. I probably spend less time working on my project then I usually do, but I managed to complete so much more work, mostly because my time was extremely focussed and I wouldn’t drift off.
[+] [-] thdrdt|6 years ago|reply
There is a lot to say about his work but there is always a recurring theme: take time to think things through.
And I believe in this time of constant distraction it is very hard to do this.
But when you do you order your thoughts and it becomes much easier to communicate your thoughts.
[+] [-] draw_down|6 years ago|reply
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[+] [-] Zelphyr|6 years ago|reply
Over the past year I have made a conscious effort to do this in all my conversations. Two things really stood out for me: first, I was a REALLY bad listener. I would interrupt a lot because I assumed I knew what the person was getting at.
The second is that sooooo many people do that as well and it's incredibly frustrating to be interrupted like that. What's worse; about 75% of the time they are completely wrong about what I'm about to say. Just as I was when I did this. Not long ago, I had finally had my fill with an Amazon support rep and had to interrupt his constant interruptions and say, "You have GOT to stop answering questions I'm not asking." He thankfully realized what he was doing and took a step back to listen to what my problem really was.
Another thing I've noticed is that the smarter the person is and/or perceives themselves to be and/or are told they are, the more they do this. Which means, this happens a LOT in technology circles, which is unfortunate given how critical communication is to our jobs.
It has really made a positive difference in how I deal with people though. In listening to people, and I mean really listening to them (with intent to understand and not just to reply) you learn so much more about that person. You notice things about them that you hadn't noticed before. You come to understand them at a deeper level I feel. This kind of listening is definitely something I'm trying to continue.
[+] [-] haecceity|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] JacobAldridge|6 years ago|reply
I also acknowledge your reference to your own coach. It amazes me (and I’ve been doing this since 2006) how many other business coaches I meet who don’t see the value in having their own coach. That says a lot about a career (I wouldn’t call us a profession) that is loaded with unqualified shonks.
I look forward to re-reading this piece many times. Thanks.
[1] An artefact of my clients, who are generally $2-$20M ARR with limited prior business experience, and my own business model which engages leadership teams more and longer, more regular coaching sessions.
[+] [-] JunkDNA|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] itronitron|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] kaushikktiwari|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bryanmgreen|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] loceng|6 years ago|reply
What I had been holding onto, for hope, for distracting my mind, was hope for my very ambitious projects. The first difficult lesson in letting go was ~4 years ago; I really haven’t kept track of time, there’s no value in that I’ve found. I was developing a platform for the yoga community and successfully launched with decent number of yoga instructors actively using it, and was ready to scale - with the help of my then girlfriend and business partner I brought on when platform was ready to scale, who mainly was tasked with outreach and support. I struggled for a few months to find a way to keep this project alive and growing - I couldn’t. Perhaps fortunately design is where my skill development lead me, and so over the last few years a main focus I had was redesigning the platform of which I completed 80-90% of the new version, however I let go of that many months ago now - I just can’t handle managing or arranging for the next steps for such a relatively complex project; I know the market better than most, the new updated model if implemented would scale very quickly - I am certain if I could write an executive summary to explain the game plan I could convince anyone the vision will be successful, except there’s no point because I can’t execute or guide the execution of it.
All around the same time as struggling to keep the project alive, to scale: the relationship with my then girlfriend fell apart primarily due to my difficulty coping with the pain I could no longer be the stability she needed, I had to fly back from our outreach in Silicon Valley to watch my father who had requested euthanasia - but denied it - suffocate, drown to death in his hospital bed due to his body being weak and him catching pneumonia (pneumonia his lungs) in the hospital - watching along with my mother and sister; https://mattamyers.tumblr.com/post/120321181606/my-father-pa.... It was ultimately the grieving of my father’s death that reduced my available tolerance for the difficulties of the relationship to zero.
As I say, my first project has always been myself - trying my best to organize the next treatments, to try to problem solve what else may be going on. Healing myself has been difficult on its own though with my executive function being greatly disrupted due to the pain, and though I have tried again at different times - mostly after when significant healing has occurred, I still can’t handle the normal stress of moving a project forward, of hiring and managing others. I don’t know if I will ever be able to handle any normal life stress - whether for what I consider my life’s work, writing a detailed book of my journey, moving my projects forward - a network of health-wellness differentiated platforms to help shift society toward a healthier path, friendships or more - I simply am stuck from moving forward with all of this; this has difficulty psychologically of course. It is rare that the conditions are right that allow me to stream of consciousness write like this, where I write everything in one go, which allows there to be some organization inherently in the thoughts - otherwise I’m generally unable to organize a longer story from pieces written at different times - a part of mental organization tied to executive function.
The turmoil from not having a stable foundation for my brain, or perhaps mind to stem from, to develop patterns of behaviour, autonomous nervous system habits, executing thoughts toward behaviour allowing me to move forward without being constantly interrupted by physical pain, psychologically has been varying degrees of hell on Earth.
Two years ago it seemed I was better able to trick myself, delude myself, into thinking that I would soon reach the tipping point where enough pain would be healed where my executive function and life could begin to be rebuilt; https://mattamyers.tumblr.com/post/160104127401/on-days-like.... It’s however been 2 more years of stem cell treatments with unimaginable difficulty day to day, week to week, year to year, of struggle trying to cope - cycling through patterns and attempting to maintain a routine to provide as much stability as possible for myself.
When I write something long like this I wonder if it will be the last coherent piece I write to share my story. It feels cathartic to share my story, as we’re designed or evolved to story tell to pass on knowledge - however it is the rare time where I am able to compile something as clear as I feel this is, and so unfortunately it can’t end up part of my routine. I step carefully to not touch on details of my journey including near constant occurrences of incompetence, abandonment, lack of adequate support to not too strongly trigger emotions, stress including post-traumatic stress, that my nervous system just can’t handle due to the constant injection, sensitization of my nervous system.
I no longer care to actually share my vision for my projects, it isn’t useful to have hope - in fact optimism increases the contrast creating higher peaks and valleys with the pain, reducing how stable or flat foundation is possible. I could be hopeful, optimistic - I’m not broken that way - however ultimately I’d need the help of others to move my projects forward and that doesn’t happen, no help for me day to day or organizing treatments or someone problem solving for me what else could be going on with my nervous system, and no help for me for my projects; I can’t even ask for help any longer and don’t want to because the thought of moving forward engages executive function, your mind and thoughts lead to the body preparing itself for action - which for me, my body trying to engage triggers, tries grounds into the pain — aversion. It seems everyone has difficulty understanding just how locked up I am with moving forward in life, most everyone - especially doctors - not willing to read anything long form like this either.
So currently I am in a very dark place, more calm today after the storm that this past week has been. I do have another stem cell treatment middle of January already booked and organized, that at least today, I feel like I’ll make it to. A month ago I found out after doing a microbiome test I have an h.pylori infection - probably for many years now, that if treated may or may not reduce pressure on my body and reduce symptoms. It took me until a few days ago to order the supplements the doctor wanted me to take for a few weeks before starting antibiotics for a few weeks. There are other treatments and other diagnostics I still need to try organize. I normally share the actual incidents and causes of physical injury, though I don’t care to at the moment, and I am getting mentally exhausted now so my writing will start to fall apart if I continue trying to add to this and would start adding exponential more stress if I tried to push.
I don’t expect anyone to read this - though a thank you to other commenters who inspired me with their openness, and to LeonW’s thoughtful responses that let me feel this would be a safe space to share. And apologies if anything is incoherent, too mentally exhausted now to proof read what I wrote.
[+] [-] chiefalchemist|6 years ago|reply
For exame, given the first point (we're emotional) a comms void can often be fill with false assumptions. Going forward is going to go sideways.
Yes. We can improve our inner selves. But sooner or later we need to interface with others. That innerface is comms.
[+] [-] F_J_H|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] black_13|6 years ago|reply
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[+] [-] canada_dry|6 years ago|reply
I also find it highly convenient that "I operate with an agreement of confidentiality, all of the below is anonymous".
I would imagine odds are decent that several of the "101" he's coached are regular news readers and would pipe up saying how much they benefited from Leo's guidance, yet I don't see any comments as such.
Why wouldn't you get permission from some of your clients to use their name's? Surely out of 101, five percent would agree to be noted.
[+] [-] turk73|6 years ago|reply
[+] [-] cryptica|6 years ago|reply
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