The Secret to a Happy Marriage: Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much

[abalashov]

This is the first popular publication article I've seen that has given the very important cognitive overload aspect of nagging--and especially multi-pronged nagging litany, which seems to be the most common kind--the treatment it deserves:

   But when it comes to nagging reminders about what your
   spouse still has to do after a long day working for the 
   man—take out the recycling, walk the dog, write a 
   thank-you letter, defrost the chicken, fix the 
   stereo—keep a lid on it.  Economists talk about
   “information processing costs,” or the costs incurred 
   from processing, absorbing and filtering information. 
   When information processing costs get too high, we 
   tend to become paralyzed.

[bartonfink]

Now I just need to figure out a good way to pass that hint along to my wife without her inferring that I hate her and don't ever want to speak to her about anything.

[ojbyrne]

This doesn't actually take into account that the naggee can influence this. As a 12 year old, I remember finally getting so sick of my Dad nagging me to mow the lawn, that I started doing it before he had a chance to.

[Qz]

Here's the other half of the story: it takes two to nag.

[hartror]

I would group it all into one tip:

Make an effort with your relationship.

Like everything good in life it takes work to have a good relationship. If you make an effort to have a good relationship, applying thought and energy day to day, you will grow a healthy satisfying relationship.

[roc]

I wouldn't stop there.

In my experience, people who nag believe themselves to be "making an effort". Indeed, they think they're doing the right thing.

Willingness to put in the effort is a good first start, but it's not enough. Many people clearly don't understand why certain things do or don't work. And there's as much to be learned from study and experience in the right way to work at a relationship as there is in anything else.

[sp332]

"Making an effort" might encourage people to talk more during the worst times (like right after work).

[yummyfajitas]

This works well for women, not so well for men.

For men, typically making a visible effort will cause your spouse to perceive you as weak and low value. This will only make things worse.

[rikthevik]

I would add to this:

Stop and think about your relationship.

Put your effort into things that are worthwhile. I've caught myself many times putting my energy into the aspects of our relationship that don't matter, while missing big big things because I thought I had the whole thing covered.

[narrator]

I think American women forget that marriage is a team sport not a struggle for feudal dominance of one partner over the other. It seems with American women there is always a very precise accounting of slights, perceived or otherwise, that are used to demand payment in humiliation or suffering of the other. It's like they're on the "Women team", always thinking to themselves what the "Women team leaders" will think of them in every situation in their struggle against the multiple centuries of male patriarchy-- instead of being on the family team. They destroy relationships to please the contrived abstract ideals they've been indoctrinated to worship and fight against their desires for a relationship based on team work and mutual shared goals.

[Dylanlacey]

If you s/American women/some people often women/ , your statement will be more accurate.

[tertius]

Those who do what you suggest should be taught in a loving relationship how negative their behaviour is. Even if the media encourages it.

If there is dominance by either partner, the relationship will have difficulty staying healthy in the long run.

As you say, family first. Both should view the other as having more importance than themselves. Not just one or neither.

[mhb]

Working link:

http://blogs.wsj.com/ideas-market/2011/02/14/the-secret-to-a...

[faitswulff]

Thank you.

[3pt14159]

Comparative advantage is the name of the game. My parents have been doing that for years, even when my mom ends up with some manly work (tall house + lots of Christmas lights) and my dad ends up with some non-manly work. It works pretty well for them.

They even optimized which kid helps them, I worked better with my mom (I was all about getting a list of chores and powering through them when I had time, and so is she), so I ended up working with her for the weekly chores. Shutting up and getting stuff done really does make one happy.

[marssaxman]

My wife and I just assign each job to whichever of us is less annoyed by having to do it, and somehow it all seems to balance out. She cleans the bathrooms and does the laundry, I sweep and vacuum and take out the trash, she makes the coffee in the morning and I turn off the lights at night. We certainly aim to be equal partners in our marriage, but instead of tallying everything up for some perfectly fair 50/50 division, we try to embrace our differences and specialize in what we're good at.

Sometimes the breakdown does look disturbingly similar to the old traditional gender roles, but sometimes it really doesn't - I do the mending, for example, and she takes the car in for service. I'm sure we are both influenced by the traditional sexism of the societies we grew up in, but whatever the reasons for our choices, each of us pretty much gets to do what we think of as the easy or inconsequential chores while our partner tackles the nasty, time-consuming, or obnoxious ones.

[brc]

The comments in that article are bizarre - there's a lot of frothing going on. Particularly from young, unmarried women who seem to have missed the point of the article. It's like they hate the idea of being a housewife so much they want to attack anything that even remotely suggests it.

The problem in all this venting is that the advice is given to both sexes - it just discusses using comparative advantage to split up tasks, don't nag each other and slip between the sheets as much as possible. If you realise that the advice could equally apply to a gay couple you can see there actually isn't any gender bias in the article at all.

[patrickgzill]

Marriage is not "50/50" ... it is 100/100 ...

[kbatten]

I'm pretty sure both of those evaluate to the same value.

[megamark16]

That's exactly what I do, and my wife and I agree that we have a pretty happy marriage :-)

[theorique]

(warning - ZOMG TEH POTENTIAL SEXISM alert!)

This sounds a lot like the advice to women from the Tom Leykis show: "Stay slim, Long hair, sex anytime, shut up!"

[civilian]

A lot of you are getting caught up in stereotypes. When I read this article I didn't see it as being specifically written for men or women-- shouldn't both parties be doing these things?

[kingkawn]

Having fun together rather than parsing out your problems is the key to success. Sometimes you have to do the Talk, but if it becomes the norm you're doomed.

[webuiarchitect]

You can hardly call that a 'marriage'. Its just another adjustment you would do even with your roommate.

I've been married for last 8 years and also have a kid. I feel, the best of marriage is lived when you share everything - talk out every feeling - help each other achieve the small dreams - LIVE together! Every relationship, even a mother-child/friends/brother-sister - they all have conflicts - and most of it because of expectations. Without 'expectations' there cannot exist a relation. The key is to achieve the balance - try to give enough space/freedom to each other so that both gets to do the things they enjoy the most - try to find your happiness in the same, if you can, or at least support it in some way.

For household responsibilities, it should be equally and mutually shared. But 'don't talk so much' is definitely not the approach to avoid conflicts. We are not machines; the whole point of 'living' is to 'share'; and Humans Do Need to Share. What else do you need to marry for? Better stay bachelor, if you don't think you can shoulder the responsibility to 'share' and handle 'expectations'.

[yatacc]

it seem ridiculous to tell married people they should have sex (with each other)

lmao on the (with each other) emphasis :)

[rmah]

I posted a link to the book the WSJ article is based on earlier today: http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=2218045

[chopsueyar]

Do the dishes. Buying a dishwasher was one of the best purchases for our relationship.

[Joakal]

Don't forget to do the minimum that's expected at least. eg cleaning up after oneself. Putting dishes in the sink != cleaning up. Especially if they have time to do it.

[khafra]

It's amazing how much ROI you can get from things like that. I lived in utter peace, harmony, and sanitation with 2 roommates for a while, and the $90 we paid to have a maid come by every two weeks and clean the townhouse was money well spent.

[johngalt]

The secret to writing a linkbait title: reinforce stereotypes.

[sp332]

There's a huge difference between being commanded to "Do the Dishes, Put Out, Don’t Talk So Much" by other people, versus doing these things on your own initiative as part of your relationship.

[smallblacksun]

Stereotypes exist for a reason.

[kungfooey]

I've been following the author's blog at http://www.spousonomics.com/ - some fluff, but in general it's pretty good.

[sin7]

Marriage satisfaction = love making - fighting

[tertius]

You are in error sir.

Marriage Satisfaction = Fighting (or Total Conflict) - Unresolved Conflict

Conflict among other things brings you closer together. A couple who "fight" well will stay together.

[tt]

There's a saying in Vietnamese culture that goes along the line of "Compatible husband and wife can empty the Pacific." I live by that.

[RyanMcGreal]

Another perpetually useful perspective is the 2006 NY Times article on using animal training techniques to manage intramarital conflict:

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashion/25love.html?_r=1&#...