We Stopped Arguing About Chores After Making One Spreadsheet

[scotty79]

1. There are no chores or obligations only things someone wants to get done.

2. If you want something done that you personally don't want to do at the moment you need to ask. Every time.

3. Person asked has the right to refuse without any consequences or resentment. If person asked refuses to do it, you need to do it yourself or stop wanting it. If the person agrees and does what you wanted it's polite and effortless to thank for it. If person does something that's beneficial for you even though you didn't ask you should thank as well.

Those rules, even never openly stated, just distilled unilaterally by me resulted in happy domestic life of 14 years between two good persons. Those rules require no bookkeeping and promote positive interactions and instill sense of individual freedom. They are extremely flexible. They adapt easily to switching jobs, homes, schedules.

You don't regret how much you do around the house because it was either to satisfy your own wants or a direct result of specific request you freely chose to satisfy. You also don't resent that other people are doing so little because they do that either because you didn't ask them or they refuse many of your requests (in latter case, should you have that relationship?).

I believe it might be beneficial to apply those rules even to business relationships.

[jobigoud]

I think a factor in the success of your approach is that the two partners should have more or less the same idea of tidiness. If one has more tolerance than the other with say, seeing piles of clothes or plates accumulate, they don't feel as concerned.

[JoeAltmaier]

We stopped arguing with a few simple rules:

  Everybody has their own chores. Fixed. No confusion

  Say thanks! each time you see a chore done. Everybody likes to be noticed.

  See a chore undone? Do it. Its easier to do it, than to complain about it.  Corollary: Complaining about a chore, makes it your chore this time.

So we went from fighting about who's doing what, to giving each other the benefit of the doubt. Appreciating what everybody does. And sometimes doing a kindness for another person, just because. (And getting thanked for it!)

[collyw]

This wouldn't have worked in the shared appartment I lived in years ago. One person in particular seemed to not do his own share of washing dishes. So everyone else should do his dishes rather than complain? Seems a bit backwards.

[mntmoss]

Whether it works or not depends on how much your relationship is built on systematic, empirical decisions. Spreadsheets like this are hugely common in larger communal living arrangements.

And there is a harsh quality to it, but I don't think the people knocking this strategy fully appreciate the danger of a relationship built on illusions or delusions. If you come to me saying "true love overcomes all" or somesuch I'd be seriously concerned about gaslighting or codependency taking hold.

[alexandrerond]

Chore assignment will become way easier after the divorce, towards which this guy is clearly heading...

[allencheng]

We'll see! I think it takes two people of a willing type to buy into a system like this (people who believe explicit expectations lead to smoother relationships, instead of expecting other people to read their mind). I understand it won't work at all for others.

[dieselerator]

All right, you got me to read the article.

[tripzilch]

Why do you suppose that is the case?

[JimTheMan]

OR this spreadsheet will only lead to nitpicking and grief...

I can't think of any high functioning relationship that uses one. The fact that people think they need one spells doom. It says, if only we had some kind technical solution to what is clearly an interpersonal problem.

[brmgb]

Anectotal evidence but the only time I fought regularly about chores in a long term relationship, it only started in the fourth year of our common life and clearly was a proxy for more deep seated and complicated issues with the relationship.

I will hazard than most of the time when people really fight about chores, the actual problem lies somewhere else.

[DeathArrow]

You can also make an Agile team and assign chores in sprints. You can install Jira to help keeping track.

Or you can just discuss and do them when needed.

[RobLach]

This spreadsheet looks like a chore.

Open communication and mutual assistance is way better than some sort of favor debt economy.

[Fjolsvith]

When my spouse asks me to do something as a favor, I do it, then tell her it's done and then tell her she doesn't owe me a favor because I love her.

[downerending]

Over several marriages, I've developed this strategy: I do all of the chores.

In short order, a decent partner will start taking over a reasonable share.

If that doesn't happen, it's an excellent indicator of deeper problems that will ultimately sink the relationship. Leave.

[DeathArrow]

I wonder if there aren't chore counseling and consulting businesses.

[Fjolsvith]

I outsource chores.

[AtlasBarfed]

... do you both work fulltime jobs?

... is exterior/yard work in the sheet?

[sushid]

TL;DR create a complex agile-esque process for doing chores with timestamps instead of just setting a calendar reminder or doing it ad-hoc.