[iwantdonuts]

Hey dude, hope you're doing okay. Lately, I've been telling myself that there are times when just staying alive is enough, and I think that's what you need right now. There are a lot of different ways we hate on ourselves, but always try to remember, you lived, and you survived the day. Try not to think of surviving as doing nothing, you're always doing something for every moment you're on Earth.

I know you mentioned this, but just remember that times are hard for everyone right now since most of us are sheltering in place, so you're not alone there. I had always hoped that the internet would be a great resource for people like us, but I do agree with you, forums and crisis hotlines can only go so far. I don't think there's really much else we can do with the internet.

[hestipod]

I appreciate the well wishes. I am really struggling hence the post. I don't see myself making it like this, but am being hemmed in with no options. I really want a path and a life. I have burned out most of the people who seemed to care at all because things just don't get better and they can't stand constant failure and loss. A couple people who truly love me will be there to the end...but they are far away and have their own great struggles so I cannot lean to hard on them.

I feel like this was just a pause and the weight of it all will crush me again any way. I really need better doctors, some mental care, and a social network. I failed to capitalize on the most recent chance out of fear since everything keeps failing so I messed it up by trying to do it right instead of just doing it. Lesson learned too late. Don't see another chance happening.

I want a life so badly...this experience just proved it to me...but I think I am out of people and roads. I regret letting my fears and bad past get in the way of great hopes. I ruined them because I didn't have enough sense and awareness. Lesson learned too late. Now I feel pushed right back to the dark place and ending it. So terrifying and angering. I don't deserve this...nobody does. We all just want safety and love for ourselves and families.