[hestipod]

I appreciate the well wishes. I am really struggling hence the post. I don't see myself making it like this, but am being hemmed in with no options. I really want a path and a life. I have burned out most of the people who seemed to care at all because things just don't get better and they can't stand constant failure and loss. A couple people who truly love me will be there to the end...but they are far away and have their own great struggles so I cannot lean to hard on them.

I feel like this was just a pause and the weight of it all will crush me again any way. I really need better doctors, some mental care, and a social network. I failed to capitalize on the most recent chance out of fear since everything keeps failing so I messed it up by trying to do it right instead of just doing it. Lesson learned too late. Don't see another chance happening.

I want a life so badly...this experience just proved it to me...but I think I am out of people and roads. I regret letting my fears and bad past get in the way of great hopes. I ruined them because I didn't have enough sense and awareness. Lesson learned too late. Now I feel pushed right back to the dark place and ending it. So terrifying and angering. I don't deserve this...nobody does. We all just want safety and love for ourselves and families.