[hestipod]

I am not asking for help. There is no "right place to ask for help". It's been made clear over 15 years that won't happen. Not the help I need. I am venting when a relevant topic comes up.

"Suicide isn't the answer" is the sort of platitude I mean. It is an answer. It solves the problems I am suffering. I am so tired of people who haven't slogged anywhere near as painfully and as long as I have telling me what is worth it or what I HAVE to do. People who don't understand at all what it's like or try and relate their relatively smaller issues or survivable resources and health to "knowing suffering". Everything you have said is to reinforce your own beliefs and comforts. It doesn't help me at all. Lest I sound ungrateful...I appreciate people trying...but it doesn't work or help and people and systems won't do what is required. My country has decided social systems are bad and wrong and denied me that assistance and Maslow's basic needs. I know I am worth it. I didn't cause any of this. I am a victim and that's a dirty word. Being angry about it is "wrong". Nobody arrives where I am because they have choices. It's a last desperate jump so the fire doesn't burn you up...even though you know you will fall and splat...to paraphrase DFW.

I'm happy to take the help to live...it's not there. It's "entitled" of me. It's me not "trying hard enough" whilst I am burning up. Everyone for themselves with the exception of a tiny few...and I've not had enough of those people in my life since this happened to me.

[Tarsul]

I can't say I understand your condition or your suffering. I can only say that I empathize (I know you can't buy anything for it). I think you writing and talking about it is the right approach. Maybe you can do it some more (via a blog or facebook or whatever) - you will probably get a lot of feedback that you don't like. But hey, feedback means that at least there is some interest in your life from other people. That means something, even if it doesn't change your circumstances. However, maybe someone can give you some pointers (e.g. certain organizations that help) that can be the start of something better. Anyway, talking (or communicating) is better than suffering in silence. That way you can let your emotions out :)

[hestipod]

Unfortunately changing my circumstances is the only thing that matters and could save me. Just being heard and my feelings validated isn't enough. But for some human emotional reason I am screaming out all the way to the impact.