[hestipod]

I guess I just feel hopeless because I cannot manage things on my own anymore, like I used to when life was good, and I cannot find enough help to survive. I have been failed over and over by systems and people and saying that is used as something being wrong with ME. Admittedly a couple of very rare times I have failed to grab on to a helping hand out of fear and situations making things worse, and I don't know if those things would have worked or not, and those rare instances seem to paint me in an even worse light as someone who is beyond help and NEVER acts or does the right thing even though that isn't true, but mostly there isn't any help. That's why I ended up where I am. People seem to think they would always be capable of finding a way out...I thought so too...the reality is different. I wish I had succeeded in leaving this world because I see no way to survive in it that is accessible to me. I'd be getting social assistance in most first world countries. I am angry, alone, in pain, exhausted, and hopeless...and that annoys and offends and I understand why but it still hurts. Just have no idea what to do...feel adrift and hopeless in a way I never imagined possible.

[jl2718]

It seems to me that your suffering, and maybe all suffering, is quite existential rather than confined to a specific problem that could be solved. You may find that you're in the first stages of an enlightenment, where you realize that nothing can fill the void inside you, and that seems bad. And then maybe you'll see that nothing can bring you happiness, and that's worse. But also nothing can bring you pain, and that's a little better. And so the world around you is not in control, so that's okay, but not quite worth it. But maybe something bigger than the world is in control, and that's scary and hard to believe. But then there must be a reason for you to be here, and that is enough, and all that you'll ever need.

I wouldn't know. I haven't been as far as you on the path.