Consider this: you are who you say you are. Eventually if you repeat it to yourself, subconsciously you'll find the patterns to make it work.
I am very careful of making statements like:
I am/was <adjective>.
It's like casting a spell on myself, and in my experience it works pretty well, so I've used it for positive transformation. If I'm bad at something, I can perceive it as a fluke, and continue as if I was whatever I desire to be. It's "fake it till you make it", but again, I don't like using the word "fake". I'm really just defining myself across time... I'm not faking so much as aligning my intentions with real world results.
So basically, I don't think the author was ever "weak" until he thought he was, and then it contributes to the reality of the situation. All those problems mentioned could have been solved while still thinking "I'm strong".
Everyone has limitations. Refusing to accept them can cause all kinds of long term harm. (This would be me.)
Keeping a positive attitude and knowing where you are and where you want to be is important but lying to yourself is a long, slow descent into self-destruction.
I think my realization was that it's not about 'who I am' but rather about what I do. So the breakthrough was not caring how an action affects my image (e.g. appearing weak) but rather as a learning point (e.g. more tired indicates a problem that should be diagnosed).
Nice blog post. I kind of wished the author dug more into why he worried so much about weakness, though.
I'm also reminded of something my mother told me once, "I think people have a hard time approaching me because it seems like I never have any problems." This is also one of my weaknesses: being so good at concealing one's weakness that it makes it harder to connect with people. The kicker is there isn't much feedback given to you about this other than a low-level, pervasive loneliness.
It's definitely a weakness to not expose a vulnerable side of yourself to others. Part of showing someone you trust them is trusting that they will accept you, vulnerabilities and all.
Thank you
Good point about the source of my worries about weakness. At the core it's about living up to who I aspire to be. Moments of 'weakness' are like sliding back from that towards the lazy instant gratification monkey.
I have the same problem of connecting with people because of not showing weakness or complaining.
I wish more people, whether or not they believe they're healthy/strong or not, got annual bloodwork and general health checks done. You can't run a complex machine like a human body and never, ever do any analysis to ensure it's running within acceptable levels.
Imagine how much less psychological pain this guy could've been through if he had regular bloodwork enough to let him know that his vitD is getting low and to supplement before he even realized he was "failing".
> You can't run a complex machine like a human body and never, ever do any analysis to ensure it's running within acceptable levels.
Well, it's been how humans have lived for the vast majority of the time we've existed. You don't even have to go back 100 years and medicine was closer to superstition than science.
Every identity you create for yourself will eventually break down. Your body and mind will inevitably fail you and whatever identity you created will cease to exist. Maybe the Buddhists got it right.
It's very hard to overstate the profundity of Buddhism. The author embarked in self-reflection journey with this article, and I think had he kept going he would have bumped into Buddhist teachings.
Suffering is the foundation of experience. The author could not have arrived at his conclusions without suffering through what he did first. It's a contradiction like many Buddhist teachings. By embracing suffering, you somehow avoid it.
Absolutely, every self-reinvention breaks down. As a Christian, I posit that if these failures are accepted with humility, their rubble may help us recognize who we were meant to be.
Completely agree with the growth vs fixed mindset. It's like a breath of fresh air after spending most of your life being fixated on odd metrics, identities, or goals. As noted in the article, humility and the ability to change are super important. However, I have some mixed feelings about the author's need to classify things as "weak" and "strong", not only because it is quite subjective, but because many people's behaviours don't neatly fall into those categories. But any mental framework, even if a bit vague or subjective, is an extremely important tool towards self-change and introspection. If the author is reading this, congratulations on your journey, and I support your continued growth.
Everybody has limits. Nobody has 100% self-discipline. Except maybe a few unique individuals like David Goggins.
If you think you can do anything, you just haven't tried something hard enough. Or, you're super fit, probably running ultra-marathons or squatting 300lbs+. No junk food, no video games or TV, no breaks (even during commutes). And you routinely spray yourself with pepper spray, expose yourself to negative temperatures, withstand electric shocks, just to prove to everyone how strong you are. Because that kind of stuff makes you proud, makes you famous, and helps you make money (if selfish) or raise money for charity (if selfless).
Understanding your limits is essential to even reach them. Because if you push yourself too hard, you'll burnout - you'll cave into binge eating or injure yourself with bad form or develop weird symptoms from stress. You have to pace yourself. Even top-tier PhD students, athletes, billionaires understand.
In fact, if you come in with the mindset "I will try as hard as I can", your brain will make "as hard as I can" less. If you're afraid of failing yourself, you'll never really try. If you have any cravings for junk food or rest or anything, it's a part of you that wants those things. And the more you delay them, the louder that part of you will get.
---
I speak from experience: I had the same "I have no limits" mentality. It led to burnout and crippled my athletic performance. It still does now, because I still kind of have that mentality - I'm super stubborn, and I hate wasting effort or committing to something and failing.
I always did my morning workout, but spent hours waking up. I always ran as much or more than planned, but I ran slower and slower. I ate vegetables and lean protein, but I ate more and more until my appetite was massive. Most notably, I lost my strong temperament, and got very emotional and anxious.
Once I started setting more reasonable distances and sticking to them, waking up became easier. Once I started eating higher calorie foods, my appetite went down. My emotional regulation is back. Even now, every time I have a fixed time I have to run (because e.g. I have an appointment after), I always run faster.
---
In order to truly reach your limits, you need a plan to handle your weaknesses. You need to set goals - e.g. "I will run 5 miles today". And then don't run 6, even if you feel like it, or at least don't run 6 too often. Otherwise your brain will start pacing you for 6 instead of 5. If you're running is too easy, increase the distance slowly, like 10% per week. Otherwise you might injure yourself.
Same exact with eating. If you suddenly eat 500 calories one day, you might find that you're not really hungry. But if you keep eating 500 calories after a few days you'll get hungrier and hungrier, and that hunger takes a few days to go away. Calculate your TDEE and set a reasonable deficit, and if you're not losing weight after a couple weeks, then eat less. If you look at people who've successfully lost weight vs. fad dieters, the former practically always emphasize sustainable changes and self-love, and the latter are always beating themselves up and doing extreme stuff.
And most helpful to me, follow the 5-minute rule. If you really don't want to do something you planned, do it for 5 minutes. You have to work out every day, study every day, etc. no matter how bad you feel. But only for 5 minutes, and if you still feel awful that's enough. If it doesn't actually help you accomplish anything (because you only did it for 5 minutes), it will at least make you feel better, because you at least tried. And I can guarantee that most of the time, you'll keep going after 5 minutes.
>This is who I say I am. This is who I strive to be. This is who I work to be. And it’s great.
Great? Sounds like anal-retentive buying into all kinds of cargo-cult (from self-help gurus, quantified self, nutrition "experts" etc.), micro-measuring your life, and playing macho.
Guess what, in the end you'll die too, and having enjoyed little in the process.
And all this weakness worrying points rather to some not treated personal issues from the author's past.
[+] [-] proc0|4 years ago|reply
I am very careful of making statements like:
I am/was <adjective>.
It's like casting a spell on myself, and in my experience it works pretty well, so I've used it for positive transformation. If I'm bad at something, I can perceive it as a fluke, and continue as if I was whatever I desire to be. It's "fake it till you make it", but again, I don't like using the word "fake". I'm really just defining myself across time... I'm not faking so much as aligning my intentions with real world results.
So basically, I don't think the author was ever "weak" until he thought he was, and then it contributes to the reality of the situation. All those problems mentioned could have been solved while still thinking "I'm strong".
[+] [-] kayodelycaon|4 years ago|reply
Keeping a positive attitude and knowing where you are and where you want to be is important but lying to yourself is a long, slow descent into self-destruction.
[+] [-] victorwho86|4 years ago|reply
I think my realization was that it's not about 'who I am' but rather about what I do. So the breakthrough was not caring how an action affects my image (e.g. appearing weak) but rather as a learning point (e.g. more tired indicates a problem that should be diagnosed).
[+] [-] mattgreenrocks|4 years ago|reply
I'm also reminded of something my mother told me once, "I think people have a hard time approaching me because it seems like I never have any problems." This is also one of my weaknesses: being so good at concealing one's weakness that it makes it harder to connect with people. The kicker is there isn't much feedback given to you about this other than a low-level, pervasive loneliness.
[+] [-] iratewizard|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] victorwho86|4 years ago|reply
I have the same problem of connecting with people because of not showing weakness or complaining.
[+] [-] KittenInABox|4 years ago|reply
Imagine how much less psychological pain this guy could've been through if he had regular bloodwork enough to let him know that his vitD is getting low and to supplement before he even realized he was "failing".
[+] [-] throwawayboise|4 years ago|reply
Well, it's been how humans have lived for the vast majority of the time we've existed. You don't even have to go back 100 years and medicine was closer to superstition than science.
[+] [-] huachimingo|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] OnACoffeeBreak|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] proc0|4 years ago|reply
Suffering is the foundation of experience. The author could not have arrived at his conclusions without suffering through what he did first. It's a contradiction like many Buddhist teachings. By embracing suffering, you somehow avoid it.
[+] [-] JetAlone|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] rubatuga|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] victorwho86|4 years ago|reply
part of the self-therapy of this post was for me to exorcize this framework of 'weak' and 'strong'
[+] [-] armchairhacker|4 years ago|reply
If you think you can do anything, you just haven't tried something hard enough. Or, you're super fit, probably running ultra-marathons or squatting 300lbs+. No junk food, no video games or TV, no breaks (even during commutes). And you routinely spray yourself with pepper spray, expose yourself to negative temperatures, withstand electric shocks, just to prove to everyone how strong you are. Because that kind of stuff makes you proud, makes you famous, and helps you make money (if selfish) or raise money for charity (if selfless).
Understanding your limits is essential to even reach them. Because if you push yourself too hard, you'll burnout - you'll cave into binge eating or injure yourself with bad form or develop weird symptoms from stress. You have to pace yourself. Even top-tier PhD students, athletes, billionaires understand.
In fact, if you come in with the mindset "I will try as hard as I can", your brain will make "as hard as I can" less. If you're afraid of failing yourself, you'll never really try. If you have any cravings for junk food or rest or anything, it's a part of you that wants those things. And the more you delay them, the louder that part of you will get.
---
I speak from experience: I had the same "I have no limits" mentality. It led to burnout and crippled my athletic performance. It still does now, because I still kind of have that mentality - I'm super stubborn, and I hate wasting effort or committing to something and failing.
I always did my morning workout, but spent hours waking up. I always ran as much or more than planned, but I ran slower and slower. I ate vegetables and lean protein, but I ate more and more until my appetite was massive. Most notably, I lost my strong temperament, and got very emotional and anxious.
Once I started setting more reasonable distances and sticking to them, waking up became easier. Once I started eating higher calorie foods, my appetite went down. My emotional regulation is back. Even now, every time I have a fixed time I have to run (because e.g. I have an appointment after), I always run faster.
---
In order to truly reach your limits, you need a plan to handle your weaknesses. You need to set goals - e.g. "I will run 5 miles today". And then don't run 6, even if you feel like it, or at least don't run 6 too often. Otherwise your brain will start pacing you for 6 instead of 5. If you're running is too easy, increase the distance slowly, like 10% per week. Otherwise you might injure yourself.
Same exact with eating. If you suddenly eat 500 calories one day, you might find that you're not really hungry. But if you keep eating 500 calories after a few days you'll get hungrier and hungrier, and that hunger takes a few days to go away. Calculate your TDEE and set a reasonable deficit, and if you're not losing weight after a couple weeks, then eat less. If you look at people who've successfully lost weight vs. fad dieters, the former practically always emphasize sustainable changes and self-love, and the latter are always beating themselves up and doing extreme stuff.
And most helpful to me, follow the 5-minute rule. If you really don't want to do something you planned, do it for 5 minutes. You have to work out every day, study every day, etc. no matter how bad you feel. But only for 5 minutes, and if you still feel awful that's enough. If it doesn't actually help you accomplish anything (because you only did it for 5 minutes), it will at least make you feel better, because you at least tried. And I can guarantee that most of the time, you'll keep going after 5 minutes.
[+] [-] djenendik|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bobsmooth|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] unknown|4 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] GoToRO|4 years ago|reply
Not bad enough to make me really sick, just meh. Not feeling like doing anything, very rare headaches.
[+] [-] victorwho86|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] coldtea|4 years ago|reply
Great? Sounds like anal-retentive buying into all kinds of cargo-cult (from self-help gurus, quantified self, nutrition "experts" etc.), micro-measuring your life, and playing macho.
Guess what, in the end you'll die too, and having enjoyed little in the process.
And all this weakness worrying points rather to some not treated personal issues from the author's past.
[+] [-] raspasov|4 years ago|reply
Very well done!
[+] [-] victorwho86|4 years ago|reply
I have a newsletter if you want to get posts like this in the inbox <wink> <wink> https://victorrotariu.com/