[certeoun]

> But even as we wait for the fly to help us combat the complex effects of social isolation, Li and colleagues’ study reminds us that there are benefits to everyday interactions with others.

> And like humans, flies develop "drinking problems."

Am I like a fly now? :/ (I observed similar behavior on me with similar circumstances.)

Yeah, I know community is good[1], but I am estranged from family and have 1 friend who is busy with his own life. Possibly it is because of me being weird around people? Or me being socially awkward? I will screen myself for ADHD, but every attempt to connect with people failed. :( I seem to connect with people on platforms like HN, but I cannot connect outside of platforms like HN for some odd reason. Furthermore, I really tried to connect with real people, but I got rejected many times. I am afraid that I am an annoyance to people and that's why they don't want to connect with me.It is stressful to be alone.

Anyhow, I was chronically lonely and still am, and I can confirm the stress reactions that flies experience when they are chronically lonely.

It is stressful to be alone. At least HN gives eases a bit of the stress for me. HN is essentially providing me a venue to connect with people. I am happy about that.

[1] > Harvard study, almost 80 years old, has proved that embracing community helps us live longer, and be happier

https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-8...

[sillysaurusx]

You sound like you're in your 20s. Even if you're early 30s, life is long.

Listen. I felt similarly to you. Then I was put on Prozac. I stopped having those feelings.

There's a data point. Any time I recommend that data point, people lose their minds. So I'll just state it and leave it up to interpretation. What worked for me won't work for you. (Are you sure?)

My point is, get your ass into the doctor's office. I'm sorry to phrase it bluntly, but if no one told me that bluntly, I never would have. I wrote about it here. https://twitter.com/theshawwn/status/1392213804684038150

The doctor's appointment was the pivotal change in my life. Before doctor, unhappy life. After doctor, happy life.

The problem is, most doctors don't seem to really care deeply about you. Or at least me. I lucked out big time by finding a small sleep clinic with an elderly doc. As I say in the post, she took to me like a mother hen, and she seemed genuinely pained when I expressed the sorts of feelings you're saying here.

Let me put it a different way. You're unhappy with your current trajectory, and you don't see it changing any time soon. I was unhappy with my trajectory, and the only thing that changed it was getting my ass into a doctor's office repeatedly until one of them cared about solving the underlying problem.

In hindsight, there was one other important mental shift. You're not broken. There's nothing "wrong" with you. That would be like saying you're a broken person because you have a broken leg. That makes no sense. And it makes no sense to go through life without taking care of it, or feeling like a crutch makes you less of a person. My crutch was Prozac. Yours will be what works for you.

Good luck. DM me any time, 24/7. Happy to listen about whatever you want to vent about.

[R0b0t1]

How do you know that ignoring your previous feelings is good? Prozac likely did not solve your problem, it just made you ignore it.

[fy20]

Thanks for sharing your experience. Can I ask why you went to a doctor and not a therapist? Wouldn't they have been able to lead you down that path too?

[mr-oh-noes]

I had a little DMT smoke session the other day and this woman couldn't feel much of anything from the DMT despite smoking a large amount. Others got desired effects. I think it was because she was on SSRI antidepressants, which are known to desensitize to serotonergic psychedelics. To be honest, I found it utterly disturbing to watch someone unable to connect to their unconscious. She said the antidepressants removed the lows, but also the highs in life.

I might rather be depressed.

[bserge]

One of them, huh. Yeah... But I'm so sick of going through the systems. Maybe another good doc will show up in this shithole part of the world.

[elzbardico]

Hey man. It gets better as you get older, both because you learn more social stuff, but also because you deal with older and more experienced people that become more tolerant of our differences.

Also some of the skills you get in the online world dealing with people are transferrable to the physical world, well, at least it worked like that for me ;-)

[fouc]

Interesting, I assumed the poster was in their 30s or even 40s, but you seem to be assuming they're young instead.

[hughrr]

Please ignore all the other weird advice here about medication and therapy. HN has an unhealthy obsession with fixing symptoms not problems.

All things in life come with practice and experience. That includes socialising with people and making social connections. You’re going to screw up and all sorts on and off. What is important is to introspect and understand why after the fact and use that to improve your future social encounters. I’ve done it enough times and will continue to do it until I’m dead. No one is perfect and that’s what makes everyone so interesting.

The biggest barrier to actually doing it is your confidence and a list of what if’s a mile long from previous messes you think you caused. All of those things are surmountable problems if you face them. And also the memory of these problems for other people is quite short so don’t sweat what people think of you too much.

I can suggest a good place to actually get out there and make some connections is Meetup.com. I am always going out with random groups of people who I’ve never met, are all just as socially awkward and these mostly end up with quality social time at the end of the day. Sometimes we go our separate ways immediately but I’ve made a few long term connections out of that as well. All in all a massive improvement in my life.

[nick__m]

When I read your post I was about to post something similar to the reply you got from sillysaurusx but I will do it anyway!

I to suffered from loneliness and the terrible depression that come with it. A visit to the campus doctor was life changing. Depression, anxiety and ADD were making socially awkward and they needed to be treated before I could work on forming meaningful relationships.

The depression began to go away on the first drug I tried : Paxil. However it made me feel mentally challenged so we had to try a few drugs before finding something that work while having acceptable side effects, for me it was Cipralex and Vyvanse.

I initially had troubles to accept that I needed antidepressant but like sillysaurusx said. You don't judge someone with diabetes because he needs insulin, why would blame someone depressed for needing escitalopram.

Please consider seeing a doctor, depression and loneliness have killed too many sensible insightful persons like you !

[anigbrowl]

If this is an ongoing struggle for you (and it sounds like it is), consider getting a dog. They'll give you affection, loyalty, structure (because you have to feed and walk them and they'll remind you of the fact), but they'll also open you up to a whole lot of other people who like dogs and give you an easy starter conversation with people you meet: you can just share a story about how you got your dog and what s/he is like, and then listen to strangers' stories.

[summm]

Careful with such advice. Dogs might as well make your problems even worse. They smell bad, might make you smell bad, need a lot of attention, soil your home, cannot be left alone for an extended amount of time. And might even hurt you. In any case they will cost you lots of time and money better spent for your actual recovery.

[mypalmike]

I guarantee nobody thinks you are an annoyance if you aren't specifically trying to annoy them. Self confidence takes a long time to develop, but it's worth investing that time. Exercise, diet, mental health therapy, taking small and increasing steps in terms of social risks, dating if that interests you, finding hobbies that require you interact with other people... It's years of work but it may be what life is all about.

[themacguffinman]

> I guarantee nobody thinks you are an annoyance if you aren't specifically trying to annoy them.

I appreciate that you're trying to help but is this guarantee actually based on any real evidence or experience?

Because I've definitely seen people be regarded as annoyances even though they were clearly not trying to be annoying. Heck, even knowing this, I've still felt that some people were annoying to me and it was obvious that they weren't trying to be.

There are countless innocuous reasons why someone may not get along with you, but I've noticed that missing those social cues or trying to befriend them anyway will very quickly make them think you're really annoying. You certainly don't have to try.

[brailsafe]

I'll attempt to provide something that sibling commenters haven't.

Pre-amble: It sounds like your results with socializing match my results with job finding ;)

Something I've noticed among my other friends in their 20s and early thirties, not that it necessarily matters, is that they have social anxiety and not any common ground with anyone. They live relatively isolated lives, either behind a screen or largely in their apartments. Socializing stopped shortly after high-school, when it wasn't easy anymore. I think part of this is a symptom of people not having anything to do in public that involves "hanging out". Every hobby I do except for maybe two involves just ambiently being present in public space. The gym, outdoor workout facilities, being in nature, being at the skatepark, going to concerts maybe, sitting outside at a coffee shop and generally being unassuming. People live in the damn suburbs or in skyscrapers, where there's fucking no reason to be around anyone else. My friends also almost entirely rely on work for their social life. I live at ground level near cafes and in a neighborhood where people are walking around for enjoyment (only for the latest few years of my life), and I wouldn't trade it for anything. These are the conditions that prevent you from meeting other people in neutral space, where you can talk and drink and play. Most cities out there are designed to crush your soul.

Other people mention that it gets better later in life, and it's possible, but I'd wager that it's only because you stop caring rather than actually having a substantial social life. Starting to position yourself better now is a much better idea. It takes time, but it's doable.

The other thing is that much like jobs, sometimes rejection happens for reasons beyond your control, sometimes in your control. You just need to let yourself naturally meet a lot of people, some subset of which you can develop further. Meet those friends of your "work friends", so when that job goes away, you're social life won't because you developed the secondary or tertiary connections.

Loneliness sucks, but it'll turn around. Just start hanging out more, and don't expect anything to happen. Before you know it, you'll meet someone interesting.

p.s I have ADHD and it lets me really get into conversations and try new things that expose me to fun circumstances. Maybe that's you too.

[nate_meurer]

> Other people mention that it gets better later in life, and it's possible, but I'd wager that it's only because you stop caring rather than actually having a substantial social life.

I'll confirm that.

[the_only_law]

I decided to stop going out alone the other weekend thanks to Alcohol. I don’t have any sort of chronic issue, but notice if I end up at the bar by myself, I tend to overdo things by a lot.

[thoughtstheseus]

Welcome to HN! :) thanks for contributing to the community.

[fouc]

I assume they're using a throwaway account to make this particular post, since they alluded to making connections on HN before

[pstuart]

> I am afraid that I am an annoyance to people and that's why they don't want to connect with me.

The fact that you have awareness and motivation to change should give you some hope. If you'd like to discuss further directly I'd be more than happy to engage with you. My email is in my profile.

[coldtea]

>Yeah, I know community is good[1], but I am estranged from family and have 1 friend who is busy with his own life. Possibly it is because of me being weird around people? Or me being socially awkward? I will screen myself for ADHD, but every attempt to connect with people failed. :( I seem to connect with people on platforms like HN, but I cannot connect outside of platforms like HN for some odd reason. Furthermore, I really tried to connect with real people, but I got rejected many times. I am afraid that I am an annoyance to people and that's why they don't want to connect with me.It is stressful to be alone.

Do a check for spectrum disorders.

Even having those (or just a certain character, it's not like it's something you can't fight or somewhat fix.

Try to make the first step with people, including strangers. Even if it's an Uber driver, if they want to chat, don't shut them down. It's practice, and can lead to actual connections.

If it's friends, call, don't wait to be called (else it's an endless loop with each side waiting). If it's you always doing the calling after some time, of course, fuck them.

Embrace smalltalk and casual conversation. What seems like meaningless to the "Vulcan" Aspie-like brain it's just indirect bonding. In other words, it's more about the bonding than the informational content (we're not computers).

Generally, it's not about the informational content and getting knowledge. It's about sharing emotional states.

Fuck your niche interests. Anime or Games or 15th century Spanish poetry is not the be all end all. Embrace more interests. Learn other people's interests.

The best way is doing stuff together - from doing some project (not work), to starting a revolution, or whatever. If that also has some stakes, even better. Getting

Fuck politics and pop tastes and such. Connect to people above that level, for their character and soul, not for what they say their politics or cultural tastes are. Don't think that someone that laughs at Rob Schneider and Adam Sandler movies is "beneath you", because e.g. you watch Wes Anderson, or that a Trump or Hillary person is unfit as a human. That's superficial ideological BS.

If possible, travel and make acquaintences with people of other "hotter" cultures, where chatting up a stranger, or even offering them a place, is nothing to write home about.