[nobodyofnote]

Thank you very much for sharing this. Me too. Like yours, mine occurred early. Like you, I was exposed to my abuser many times afterward.

As a boy, I carried my shame in silence, and learned early to dislike and avoid extended family gatherings, masking my avoidance in a blanket of "family sucks/is boring" cynicism.

As an early teen entering puberty, I grew increasingly disturbed about had happened. I tried to force the feelings away, almost ritually, but grew increasingly mired in confusion about what was wrong with me. Why did I (despite the fact that I was but 5-6 years old at the time) not take action? Did this mean I enjoyed being abused? Did this mean it wasn't abuse? Did the fact that I didn't stop the abuser mean I was not heterosexual? I began bombarding myself with pornography, almost as a salve against the uncertainty and doubt about who I was.

It wasn't until nearly 40 - and in the context of therapy to try to prevent the most important relationships of my life from falling further apart - that I had even considered the fact that I'd survived abuse. I felt ashamed to even think about accepting that statement, as I knew many others had suffered so much more serious forms of long-term abuse.

Only now have I come to marginally accept that decades of suffering internalized shame, fear, pain and mistrust deserve to be called survival.

I now have children who I love with all my heart. I cannot fathom inflicting such suffering upon them - or anyone else, for that matter. I will never be able to entrust them to the care of close family or friends. It's a constant internal struggle when they ask about sleepovers with friends. Such trivial things as "going over to someone's house" trigger immense uncertainty and fear, which I do my best to not burden my children with. I don't know if I will ever truly be able to shed the thick cloak of cynicism - largely a defense mechanism - that has and continues to impede my ability to relate meaningfully to the world and the people around me.

I hope I can - and I hope that awareness grows, so that other people aren't exposed to a similar experience.

[Mezzie]

> I now have children who I love with all my heart. I cannot fathom inflicting such suffering upon them - or anyone else, for that matter. I will never be able to entrust them to the care of close family or friends. It's a constant internal struggle when they ask about sleepovers with friends. Such trivial things as "going over to someone's house" trigger immense uncertainty and fear, which I do my best to not burden my children with. I don't know if I will ever truly be able to shed the thick cloak of cynicism - largely a defense mechanism - that has and continues to impede my ability to relate meaningfully to the world and the people around me.

My heart aches because you sound so much like my mother.

What I will say is that as her child, one thing I appreciated so much is that I never had to worry if my parents would believe me if something happened. Your kids will have you always in their corner and that makes such, such, such a difference. So much of my mother's turmoil is related to her mother not believing her + the victim-blaming. You're helping and shielding your kids just by being who you are, even if you don't want to worry them.

[nobodyofnote]

Thank you for saying this. You're very much right; part of my fear was that - like other members of my family - I wouldn't be believed (or worse, blamed as an "instigator"). Things my children will never have to experience, to be sure.

[PebblesRox]

Kidpower is my favorite resource for how to talk about personal safety with kids and teach them skills to help them stay safe with people. The Safety Comics are a good place to start:

https://www.kidpower.org/books/safety-comics/

And I also learned a lot and had some big mindset changes from reading the giant Kidpower Book for Caring Adults, which really goes in depth and is good at breaking things down into simple practices.

https://www.kidpower.org/books/kidpower-book/

I really like the mindset of teaching kids how to be safe in a positive way (i.e. without scaring them about potential dangers) and the serious-business approach to our responsibilities as adults.

[nobodyofnote]

Thanks for sharing these resources!