This article resonates with me, but I don't think it would have when I was in my twenties. It's the kind of thing you come to realize after longer years as an adult and you see patterns play out in radically different life contexts, and then you start to grok who you really are in ways that aren't available when you've been an adult for less time then you were a child.
What I've learned about procrastination and escapism is that a lot of it is driven by neurotic feedback loops involving some meta-narrative I have about myself. But narratives are not reality, and while I'm busy overthinking those things I'm no use to myself or anyone else. Some of these tendencies are hard-wired in me, but by recognizing the pattern I can nudge myself back towards the present moment in which I am not perfect, but occasionally do good things.
Realizing I'd sat there doing essentially nothing for years out of fear of making the wrong choices was a huge wakeup call. It turns out most choices don't generate much inertia: you can always change course.
You only get so much time. Inertia from decision paralysis grows exponentially the longer it goes on. But you get a lot of time. The brain struggles to grasp it. If you're 55, you could have as many years left as I've had in total, and I figured out in my 30s what most people only figure out on their deathbed.
The best time to make a call is now. My call was to focus on music around 2017, and the last 5 years have seen more progress than the 15 before it. I was doing CI/CD on my life without even realizing it with similar results. As with software development, there are mistakes, but I'm practiced at and confident with fixing them and getting on with it.
No, that's just called learning how to socialize when you're semi-autistic. It's not and shouldn't be a rallying cry for people who can't/never get their shit together.
Honestly, if I learned one thing about self-transformation it is that it's quite personal, so I don't want to call the author wrong per se, but the article does not reflect my experience at all.
The times when I experienced the most drastically successful change when I realized that there really is nothing stopping me from entirely changing my identity and self if I so desired.
Obviously, this only works for things actually intrinsic (you cannot hit your target weight over night, but you very much can be a person who cares about their body starting right now and never go back) but holy shit, if you actually believe in your ability to do this, it is god damn effective.
Again there are shitty strategies for this (extrinsic goals, perfectionism, diet books, goals without systems) and it requires a healthy foundation of internal self-confidence that might take half a lifetime to build, but I still don't see the kind of defeatist attitude of the article helping anyone.
Firstly, I love your approach and if it works I am happy for you!
However, how can we be sure that a person can actually change even some parts of ones identity?
It seems to me that most people assume that our brains can be molded at will, simply by repeating some intended behavior. I'm not saying that this is impossible, but I highly doubt the extents to which this works.
There are so many variables at play, that it is unlikely for any mechanism to simply pick up the "good parts". At most, I would assume that we can learn things cognitively, and some muscular patterns.
Being able to change wants and desires at will however seems almost unattainable.
Doesn't keep me from experimenting with it, though :) And I'd love to hear others opinions on this!
I love self-improvement. There’s many in this camp of “you’re perfect the way you are”. I don’t agree at all. I believe more in Kaizen, the idea of changing for the better. It’s similar to the ship of Theseus paradox where you slowly replace each plank on the boat, is it the same boat?
Knowing about your short comings is the key. Knowing you are lazy will help you be more productive. Knowing you’re depressed will help you break the cycle.
People typically say they wasted certain years of their lives. I would also say the same thing. I was stuck in terrible loops of internet addiction and playing too many video games while doing the bare minimum at work.
These cycles didn’t break themselves because I embraced my mess. They broke because I became aware of them in comparison to my larger life goals of getting married, having kids, getting a prestigious tech job, and retiring early.
Many of those behaviors still cast shadows of my life many years later. But the secret to it all is that I can become aware of them when they happen and disrupt my pattern to put me back on track towards my life goals. That way I’m not a total waste man most days, and do something worthwhile instead.
Consistent reflection is a huge force multiplier, but it's sadly underrepresented in self-improvement because it's not sexy or fast. Yet it's the only sustainable solution.
You can't fix what you don't know. Once you find out what's holding you back, you can put a plan in place to address it. This is a slow , iterative process - but it works.
I blitzed through the author’s book 4000 Weeks (on audiobook) earlier this week and it was excellent. It addresses many of the objections to commenters here better than might fit into the Guardian article.
One of the main points I took from it is that a failure to acknowledge your limits can actually undermine what you’re trying to achieve. For example, deferring the things that truly matter to you (personal projects, time with family) until you’ve got a hold of your endless todo list will lead to a life perpetually yearning for a fantasy future where everything is somehow under control.
Similarly (my example), fixate on finding a romantic partner to the point where you make yourself miserable until you succeed and you may find your despair makes it harder to connect with new people.
The key message for me is that this day today is your life. Work hard towards your goals but remember to enjoy that journey.
> The key message for me is that this day today is your life.
I read a similar line during the first lockdown. It was some random comment on reddit but it made a strong impression on me.
"This is also life". Perhaps it's not the ideal version of it, but you can't just sit there and wait for the planets to align. I ended up having many good moments in 2020 and 2021. I didn't get to do what I planned, but it was just as well.
> Work hard towards your goals but remember to enjoy that journey.
Milan Kundera had something similar to say about this in his novel "Immortality" (1990). There's a difference between a road (used to go from point A to point B, e.g. a highway) and a path (inviting to self-reflection, philosophy, and mindfulness). Most people live their lives going from point A to point B to point C, etc. Spoiler alert: don't think you're immortal. Be mindful. Enjoy the path.
Off topic, but I see that everyone involved in the photo used in the article gets a mention, even the model whose hand is pictured. Yet when a film like Dune is reviewed, or a new spacecraft lands on another planet, not a single engineer or 3d artist or software developer's name is mentioned, even though what they have done is far more difficult and impactful. It's time we recognised the people who make these amazing things happen.
A corollary to this is advice my boss gave me, “while you’re trying to get to tomorrow, remember to live today.”
It’s easy to get into a cycle of constantly pushing things off in the hopes of a future where everything is fixed.
If you take time to take care of yourself now, you’ll be much more efficient in the long run.
In my own life, I’ve had to accept there are things I can’t control and I have very real limits on what I can do. I want to be better than I am now, but the pace will always be slower than I want. If I remember where I was before, and see where I am now, I know change and progress looks different up close and it does in hindsight.
Who said that my life is messy? Imprefect, for sure. But messy?
Nah. The author clearly thinks everyone lives a shitty life where he/she is being looked down on all the time. Life doesn't work that way, we aren't living in the 16th century anymore.
You pick your place in this world or someone will do it for you. Accepting your flaws is good, but you also have to accept your virtues. If you aren't aware of them, then how will other people be?
I realize that this article is written for people in first and second world countries. But for someone who lives in a third world country, "the struggles" mentioned here will be either laughable, or downright discriminatory.
If you read carefully, the article meant that by accepting 'the hard truth' you have more chance to change.
Quotes:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Paradoxically, accepting that you’re just not a confident person and you’re always going to feel a little off around other people will begin to make you feel more comfortable and less anxious around others.
In my experience change was only possible when I was able to practice rigorous honesty with myself and another person. It's easy for me to hide in self-denial and commit to myself that I can be better, but without really being truthful about the parts of me I want to change and why, it never worked.
I wouldn't advocate for specific strategies or methods to other people, but I've found combinations of mindfulness, therapy, and support groups to be the most useful for me. It's all about building healthy habits and honesty about the parts I want to change.
I wholeheartedly disagree with this defeatist attitude, which is supposed to magically lead to change more than actually planning and actioning chance itself.
Nowhere in life change happens without trauma. Get good at trauma and you'll get good at life.
I suggest to learn one's own limits through suffering and systematically repeated failure. It's the only way to build not only a map of current yourself, but also a trail towards your future self.
Time is ticking, memento mori, the beatings will continue until morale improves.
I found that shocking to read. It's a million miles from my experience of life. That sounds horrible. Perhaps you've found it true, but please stop saying it like it's true for everyone, a fact of life. I can't even imagine how you could believe such a thing, well, it works for you or something, I guess. Also, saying that then complaining in the same breath that someone else is defeatist! is hard to swallow. That sounds a cold, hard world that you live in. Good luck. I don't think it's the only world, by any stretch, though. Although I'm sure I misunderstand you - that's a very foreign language to me, everything about it is strange. Beatings, suffering, trauma.. :-(
You are the defeatist: you seem to think people cannot get better without suffering.
The article just states that to actually be better, a good starter is to remove the useless comparison with an idealized future self, because it brings no good and it’s actually harmful.
That sucks. Compare that to squares who didn't get bullied, straight B student, listened to parents advice and guidance, didn't abuse substances, got a degree, did 9-5 and got a house from it. No trauma needed.
Very often, the desire to change arises from experiencing major pain (of which trauma is one kind).
But this is not always the case. The impetus for change spans the spectrum of human emotions including dissatisfaction, pleasure seeking, existentialist realizations and envy/peer influence.
Trauma is definitely not a pre-requisite for change. It may be the most observable external cause to the effect, but that doesn't mean it is more useful than the rest.
The people I know who reinvent themselves the most are those driven by joie de vivre and a sense of self-expression.
Most sibling comments are already pointing out how sad this idea is, but I’ll add this: apparently you to refuse accept that acceptance can “magically” lead to change. On the other hand, I claim that acceptance (of reality) is the Only way to change! For a (deep down) very simple reason: if you want to change reality, you have to start from reality. This means accepting it. Living in an imagined world leads to no change.
This is (one of) the core ideas of buddhism-related philosophies. I suggest you give those a chance!
>Nothing in life happens without trauma. That’s Not True. If you accept reality and see that some change is Right, you Do it. No trauma. This is a Fact, and again, dealing with facts and accepting what is true is very liberating.
And look man, I’m in a pretty confused situation myself right now, but we all trying to figure out what’s best!
I think a major problem with the self-improvement books I've read is their emphasis on habits.
Depending on where you are, a positive habit may be useful for getting you out of a hole but ultimately consciousness is not about acting or reacting stereotypically. It's about having the option to do things differently.
Consciousness, or self-awareness, is the real key to improvement, and it's actually an anti-habit.
e.g. rather than relying on the force of habit for daily exercise, one eventually comes to realise and to experience repeatedly that being fit is not only better than being unfit but it feels better too. No self-coercion is then subsequently required to maintain fitness
Experiencing something repeatedly and feeling the need to keep doing it sounds an awful lot like a habit.
I think the idea that you've developed some absolute control through consciousness is the final stage of a habit. You go from forcing yourself to go to running practise weekly, to internalising that you are a runner and nothing could stop you from going.
I read Anna Karenina last year, and the final paragraph just floored me with a similar insight.
The character of Levin earlier has an epiphany about his faith how he should live life. He later realizes that the epiphany didn't change him. He's still a messy, imperfect person.
> "I shall go on in the same way, losing my temper with Ivan the coachman, falling into angry discussions, expressing my opinions tactlessly; there will be still the same wall between the holy of holies of my soul and other people, even my wife; I shall still go on scolding her for my own terror, and being remorseful for it; I shall still be as unable to understand with my reason why I pray, and I shall still go on praying; but my life now, my whole life apart from anything that can happen to me, every minute of it is no more meaningless, as it was before, but it has the positive meaning of goodness, which I have the power to put into it."
It's mostly about faith, but the aspect that resonated the most for me was acceptance that no epiphany will change who you are. Once you accept that and your flaws, you can focus on the good in life. It can help attention to not be bothered by flaws that can't be changed in an instant.
It's the closest I've ever come to an epiphany in my personal life. Too bad it didn't change me.
It ends with a zen quote. The point of zen, and other form of buddhism is often misunderstood.
A simple way of describing one of the core teaching of buddhism is one of the main reason we suffer is:
We are constantly neurotically pulling for what we want, and pushing away what we don't want.
It means as a juggles we are constantly trying to juggle our live into a state from where we think will be fullfilled. For example once I create this successful company, not feel hungry, then I will experience meaning satisfaction. Or when Im loved, or when I have a beer etc...
It's a never ending neurotic cycle. And the West is especially good at it by being extremely success focused.
Buddhism gives you tools to break this habit, and allows for meaning to be experienced in every moment (without this forced concept of YOU HAVE TO BE MINDFULL).
This doesn't mean you don't have all these personal things that should and can be improved, but the neurotic unhapiness leaves the experience of it.
It's often interesting to see intitially buddhist techniques, like meditations, being only used in a success/goal oriented mindset: will make you more productive, succesfull etc. where only a small benefit of the initial exercise remains.
I don't know, the biggest flaw I've always seen in the quasi-buddhist approach is that some types of suffering - such as intense physical pain, or grief - simply aren't possible to be ignored or meditated or 'enlightened' out of. As long as you're feeling that pain, you're going to be uncomfortable. There is no way out of it.
The way I see it, life vacillates between peaks, plateaus and valleys. I assure you I and most other people can very much feel 'fulfilled' by reaching an oasis of a good meal, a relationship breakthrough, a milestone accomplishment or finding the right medication for an ailment, and be fully present & immersed in that moment-by-moment experience of fulfillment, meaning and satisfaction, while it lasts. But for reasons that I think boil down to biology and possibly even physics, you cannot continue experience that depth of meaning or fulfillment when having extreme back pain while driving in heavy traffic to an unpleasant job that must be done when your dog just died. It's a pipe dream.
The general question is: do you adjust to your environment or do you try to reshape your environment? There is no right or wrong. Some things, you can’t change, some you can. And it can be difficult to know when to adjust and when to reshape. At least it is for me.
In my experience, attempting to self-improve your 'personality' in social terms or trying improve your physical appearance is the field where you end up with alot of people unnecessarily suffering and thinking their natural quirks make them somehow an inferior human being compared to say, a non-neurotic 'normal' kid. Or they start by thinking that their current personality is "not them" so they fight against themselves to attempt to become someone charismatic or witty or better at social situations. This many times ends up in severe mental illness, self-hate, anxiety, etc. In these situations, something along the lines of full self-acceptance is imo the right path- it naturally comes to most people, usually not in your teens, but in your late 20s and 30s.
Also, your self-worth should never be based on your social skills or personality, and this is where many quiet/introverted nerdy/smart young folks end up suffering alot in middle/highschool/college. I'm sure many of us realize how artificial the societies of school are after we enter the adult 'real' world. Your popularity seems like everything in highschool, and it may very well be, but you learn real fast how little it matters when you leave school.
PG puts it well here in his essay "Why Nerds are Unpopular": http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html
In terms of self-improvement for things like your habits and work ethic where your self-esteem/confidence/personality isn't at play, and isn't the 'thing' you are trying to fix, I generally think it's not that big of deal to dislike your current way of life and not embrace yourself. Accepting laziness or whatnot is probably too compassionate for your own good.
If you can give up on solving the problems in your life and still lead a good life, maybe you are quite lucky.
But fighting to change yourself and improve may not be something people can or should just give up on if the consequences of not changing are sufficiently serious.
Another title from the same "New Year" section: "Ditching the diet – how I learned to accept the body I have" with picture of morbidly obese person. I would not take anything from here seriously.
If you read carefully, the article meant that by accepting 'the hard truth' you have more chance to change. Of course one needs take it with +ve tone.
Quotes:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Paradoxically, accepting that you’re just not a confident person and you’re always going to feel a little off around other people will begin to make you feel more comfortable and less anxious around others.
I love the title photo. It really resonates with me. As for the topic of the article, what encorages me personally are two ideas. First, I believe that "me" is not actually something permanent. It cannot be used as a reference. It loses and acquires traits all the time. "Me" from a ten years ago is a different person. Second, we are what we do. So the moment I start doing or pursue something worthwhile, I already enjoy the different "me" and the sense of accomplishment. This immediate positive feedback boosts my self-motivation.
I think it is definitely possible to make positive changes that stick. For example, I have been rowing on my erg daily for 6 months. It doesn’t have to happen around New Years. A lot of the difficulties we run into making positive change for ourselves is the workweek. We give so much to our employers we can’t care properly for ourselves.
Another pontificating article without knowing what causes people's lives to become messed up. Surely they of all people will know that those around someone can mess up someone's life. Surely the COVID lock downs is proof of this!
[+] [-] dasil003|4 years ago|reply
What I've learned about procrastination and escapism is that a lot of it is driven by neurotic feedback loops involving some meta-narrative I have about myself. But narratives are not reality, and while I'm busy overthinking those things I'm no use to myself or anyone else. Some of these tendencies are hard-wired in me, but by recognizing the pattern I can nudge myself back towards the present moment in which I am not perfect, but occasionally do good things.
[+] [-] Kye|4 years ago|reply
You only get so much time. Inertia from decision paralysis grows exponentially the longer it goes on. But you get a lot of time. The brain struggles to grasp it. If you're 55, you could have as many years left as I've had in total, and I figured out in my 30s what most people only figure out on their deathbed.
The best time to make a call is now. My call was to focus on music around 2017, and the last 5 years have seen more progress than the 15 before it. I was doing CI/CD on my life without even realizing it with similar results. As with software development, there are mistakes, but I'm practiced at and confident with fixing them and getting on with it.
[+] [-] ibn-python|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] FledNanders|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] noduerme|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] blackbrokkoli|4 years ago|reply
The times when I experienced the most drastically successful change when I realized that there really is nothing stopping me from entirely changing my identity and self if I so desired.
Obviously, this only works for things actually intrinsic (you cannot hit your target weight over night, but you very much can be a person who cares about their body starting right now and never go back) but holy shit, if you actually believe in your ability to do this, it is god damn effective.
Again there are shitty strategies for this (extrinsic goals, perfectionism, diet books, goals without systems) and it requires a healthy foundation of internal self-confidence that might take half a lifetime to build, but I still don't see the kind of defeatist attitude of the article helping anyone.
[+] [-] smokel|4 years ago|reply
However, how can we be sure that a person can actually change even some parts of ones identity?
It seems to me that most people assume that our brains can be molded at will, simply by repeating some intended behavior. I'm not saying that this is impossible, but I highly doubt the extents to which this works.
There are so many variables at play, that it is unlikely for any mechanism to simply pick up the "good parts". At most, I would assume that we can learn things cognitively, and some muscular patterns.
Being able to change wants and desires at will however seems almost unattainable.
Doesn't keep me from experimenting with it, though :) And I'd love to hear others opinions on this!
[+] [-] thenerdhead|4 years ago|reply
Knowing about your short comings is the key. Knowing you are lazy will help you be more productive. Knowing you’re depressed will help you break the cycle.
People typically say they wasted certain years of their lives. I would also say the same thing. I was stuck in terrible loops of internet addiction and playing too many video games while doing the bare minimum at work.
These cycles didn’t break themselves because I embraced my mess. They broke because I became aware of them in comparison to my larger life goals of getting married, having kids, getting a prestigious tech job, and retiring early.
Many of those behaviors still cast shadows of my life many years later. But the secret to it all is that I can become aware of them when they happen and disrupt my pattern to put me back on track towards my life goals. That way I’m not a total waste man most days, and do something worthwhile instead.
[+] [-] goodpoint|4 years ago|reply
As the article tried to explain, this is about making peace with ourselves and handle feelings of self-rejection, guilt, shame and so no.
Then the healing begins.
[+] [-] suketk|4 years ago|reply
You can't fix what you don't know. Once you find out what's holding you back, you can put a plan in place to address it. This is a slow , iterative process - but it works.
Shameless plug, but this is my free program to cultivate regular reflection: https://themoai.org/intentionality
[+] [-] snarf21|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] timmb|4 years ago|reply
One of the main points I took from it is that a failure to acknowledge your limits can actually undermine what you’re trying to achieve. For example, deferring the things that truly matter to you (personal projects, time with family) until you’ve got a hold of your endless todo list will lead to a life perpetually yearning for a fantasy future where everything is somehow under control.
Similarly (my example), fixate on finding a romantic partner to the point where you make yourself miserable until you succeed and you may find your despair makes it harder to connect with new people.
The key message for me is that this day today is your life. Work hard towards your goals but remember to enjoy that journey.
[+] [-] nicbou|4 years ago|reply
I read a similar line during the first lockdown. It was some random comment on reddit but it made a strong impression on me.
"This is also life". Perhaps it's not the ideal version of it, but you can't just sit there and wait for the planets to align. I ended up having many good moments in 2020 and 2021. I didn't get to do what I planned, but it was just as well.
[+] [-] obruchez|4 years ago|reply
Milan Kundera had something similar to say about this in his novel "Immortality" (1990). There's a difference between a road (used to go from point A to point B, e.g. a highway) and a path (inviting to self-reflection, philosophy, and mindfulness). Most people live their lives going from point A to point B to point C, etc. Spoiler alert: don't think you're immortal. Be mindful. Enjoy the path.
[+] [-] abdulhaq|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] kayodelycaon|4 years ago|reply
It’s easy to get into a cycle of constantly pushing things off in the hopes of a future where everything is fixed.
If you take time to take care of yourself now, you’ll be much more efficient in the long run.
In my own life, I’ve had to accept there are things I can’t control and I have very real limits on what I can do. I want to be better than I am now, but the pace will always be slower than I want. If I remember where I was before, and see where I am now, I know change and progress looks different up close and it does in hindsight.
[+] [-] wheelerof4te|4 years ago|reply
Nah. The author clearly thinks everyone lives a shitty life where he/she is being looked down on all the time. Life doesn't work that way, we aren't living in the 16th century anymore.
You pick your place in this world or someone will do it for you. Accepting your flaws is good, but you also have to accept your virtues. If you aren't aware of them, then how will other people be?
I realize that this article is written for people in first and second world countries. But for someone who lives in a third world country, "the struggles" mentioned here will be either laughable, or downright discriminatory.
[+] [-] john2010|4 years ago|reply
Quotes:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Paradoxically, accepting that you’re just not a confident person and you’re always going to feel a little off around other people will begin to make you feel more comfortable and less anxious around others.
[+] [-] iamsmooney|4 years ago|reply
I wouldn't advocate for specific strategies or methods to other people, but I've found combinations of mindfulness, therapy, and support groups to be the most useful for me. It's all about building healthy habits and honesty about the parts I want to change.
[+] [-] tomcooks|4 years ago|reply
Nowhere in life change happens without trauma. Get good at trauma and you'll get good at life.
I suggest to learn one's own limits through suffering and systematically repeated failure. It's the only way to build not only a map of current yourself, but also a trail towards your future self.
Time is ticking, memento mori, the beatings will continue until morale improves.
[+] [-] yesenadam|4 years ago|reply
I found that shocking to read. It's a million miles from my experience of life. That sounds horrible. Perhaps you've found it true, but please stop saying it like it's true for everyone, a fact of life. I can't even imagine how you could believe such a thing, well, it works for you or something, I guess. Also, saying that then complaining in the same breath that someone else is defeatist! is hard to swallow. That sounds a cold, hard world that you live in. Good luck. I don't think it's the only world, by any stretch, though. Although I'm sure I misunderstand you - that's a very foreign language to me, everything about it is strange. Beatings, suffering, trauma.. :-(
[+] [-] tuyiown|4 years ago|reply
The article just states that to actually be better, a good starter is to remove the useless comparison with an idealized future self, because it brings no good and it’s actually harmful.
At no point to actually stop trying to be better
[+] [-] wesapien|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] machinelearning|4 years ago|reply
But this is not always the case. The impetus for change spans the spectrum of human emotions including dissatisfaction, pleasure seeking, existentialist realizations and envy/peer influence.
Trauma is definitely not a pre-requisite for change. It may be the most observable external cause to the effect, but that doesn't mean it is more useful than the rest.
The people I know who reinvent themselves the most are those driven by joie de vivre and a sense of self-expression.
[+] [-] Micoloth|4 years ago|reply
This is (one of) the core ideas of buddhism-related philosophies. I suggest you give those a chance!
>Nothing in life happens without trauma. That’s Not True. If you accept reality and see that some change is Right, you Do it. No trauma. This is a Fact, and again, dealing with facts and accepting what is true is very liberating.
And look man, I’m in a pretty confused situation myself right now, but we all trying to figure out what’s best!
[+] [-] ylyn|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] 999900000999|4 years ago|reply
Yes someone else makes more, has a bigger house, etc.
But someone else has less.
As long as I have a safe place to live, I can't ask for more.
[+] [-] fristechill|4 years ago|reply
Depending on where you are, a positive habit may be useful for getting you out of a hole but ultimately consciousness is not about acting or reacting stereotypically. It's about having the option to do things differently.
Consciousness, or self-awareness, is the real key to improvement, and it's actually an anti-habit.
e.g. rather than relying on the force of habit for daily exercise, one eventually comes to realise and to experience repeatedly that being fit is not only better than being unfit but it feels better too. No self-coercion is then subsequently required to maintain fitness
[+] [-] Mali-|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] NAHWheatCracker|4 years ago|reply
The character of Levin earlier has an epiphany about his faith how he should live life. He later realizes that the epiphany didn't change him. He's still a messy, imperfect person.
> "I shall go on in the same way, losing my temper with Ivan the coachman, falling into angry discussions, expressing my opinions tactlessly; there will be still the same wall between the holy of holies of my soul and other people, even my wife; I shall still go on scolding her for my own terror, and being remorseful for it; I shall still be as unable to understand with my reason why I pray, and I shall still go on praying; but my life now, my whole life apart from anything that can happen to me, every minute of it is no more meaningless, as it was before, but it has the positive meaning of goodness, which I have the power to put into it."
It's mostly about faith, but the aspect that resonated the most for me was acceptance that no epiphany will change who you are. Once you accept that and your flaws, you can focus on the good in life. It can help attention to not be bothered by flaws that can't be changed in an instant.
It's the closest I've ever come to an epiphany in my personal life. Too bad it didn't change me.
[+] [-] toshk|4 years ago|reply
A simple way of describing one of the core teaching of buddhism is one of the main reason we suffer is: We are constantly neurotically pulling for what we want, and pushing away what we don't want.
It means as a juggles we are constantly trying to juggle our live into a state from where we think will be fullfilled. For example once I create this successful company, not feel hungry, then I will experience meaning satisfaction. Or when Im loved, or when I have a beer etc...
It's a never ending neurotic cycle. And the West is especially good at it by being extremely success focused.
Buddhism gives you tools to break this habit, and allows for meaning to be experienced in every moment (without this forced concept of YOU HAVE TO BE MINDFULL).
This doesn't mean you don't have all these personal things that should and can be improved, but the neurotic unhapiness leaves the experience of it.
It's often interesting to see intitially buddhist techniques, like meditations, being only used in a success/goal oriented mindset: will make you more productive, succesfull etc. where only a small benefit of the initial exercise remains.
[+] [-] slfnflctd|4 years ago|reply
The way I see it, life vacillates between peaks, plateaus and valleys. I assure you I and most other people can very much feel 'fulfilled' by reaching an oasis of a good meal, a relationship breakthrough, a milestone accomplishment or finding the right medication for an ailment, and be fully present & immersed in that moment-by-moment experience of fulfillment, meaning and satisfaction, while it lasts. But for reasons that I think boil down to biology and possibly even physics, you cannot continue experience that depth of meaning or fulfillment when having extreme back pain while driving in heavy traffic to an unpleasant job that must be done when your dog just died. It's a pipe dream.
[+] [-] WA|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] thinkstopeth|4 years ago|reply
Also, your self-worth should never be based on your social skills or personality, and this is where many quiet/introverted nerdy/smart young folks end up suffering alot in middle/highschool/college. I'm sure many of us realize how artificial the societies of school are after we enter the adult 'real' world. Your popularity seems like everything in highschool, and it may very well be, but you learn real fast how little it matters when you leave school. PG puts it well here in his essay "Why Nerds are Unpopular": http://www.paulgraham.com/nerds.html
In terms of self-improvement for things like your habits and work ethic where your self-esteem/confidence/personality isn't at play, and isn't the 'thing' you are trying to fix, I generally think it's not that big of deal to dislike your current way of life and not embrace yourself. Accepting laziness or whatnot is probably too compassionate for your own good.
[+] [-] jacksonkmarley|4 years ago|reply
But fighting to change yourself and improve may not be something people can or should just give up on if the consequences of not changing are sufficiently serious.
[+] [-] k__|4 years ago|reply
The times I changed the most were when I moved somewhere else.
Your friends usually like you for who you are and will amplify your behavior.
This is good, because you feel save with them.
But they can also prevent you from becoming a better person, because you fall back into old habits.
[+] [-] throw8932894|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] john2010|4 years ago|reply
Quotes:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Paradoxically, accepting that you’re just not a confident person and you’re always going to feel a little off around other people will begin to make you feel more comfortable and less anxious around others.
[+] [-] srg0|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] westcort|4 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Terry_Roll|4 years ago|reply