[achou]

This is a useful analysis of what "being an adult" means. I've noticed that the moment when I feel like avoiding social discomfort or potential conflict as the precise moment when I have a choice: either be an adult and understand what I want and communicate it, or avoid it and dislike myself and project those feelings onto others.

Invariably when I choose to behave like an adult I feel empowered and ultimately at peace with myself and others in the end. If I choose avoidance, resentment builds, and further avoidance follows.

The idea that avoidance behaviors can be selfish or agreeable cuts through much self-deception. This can be helpful when I tell myself "I'm just being nice" because it adds the proviso: "yeah, but I'm not being an adult." Which I could see being a really helpful inner monologue in those situations.

This is also intimately connected to the concept of "taking responsibility", which begins with not avoiding something which "someone else" might deal with so you don't have to.

[bumby]

Everything you said is true, but just to add a little nuance, I think it's possible that avoidance can still be the correct choice when confrontation is unhelpful. Confrontation for the sake of confrontation is another form of indulging yourself to avoid certain emotions, like feeling weak or disempowered. Managing that in the height of emotion takes some real meta-cognition.

[achou]

Keep in mind that "avoidance" in this context refers to not confronting one's own feelings and intuition. After grappling with that feeling explicitly, avoiding overt conflict can certainly be an adult decision to make.

[gotaquestion]

There's a difference between being "assertive" and "aggressive". I've had this discussion in the past on HN and it seems people want to treat both as the same, not saying that you are. Aggression is rarely, if ever, useful, both directed at someone or coming from someone.

[phamilton]

A good mnemonic I was told once was HTTP:

Helpful? True? right Time? right Place?

If any of those is a No, then confrontation will likely not be helpful.

[wintermutestwin]

Very true and well said.

Ask yourself these two questions:

1. What do I hope to gain from this interaction?

2. Given #1, what course of action is most likely to achieve your desired result?

Confrontation is almost never the best answer for #2.

[h0l0cube]

> This can be helpful when I tell myself "I'm just being nice" because it adds the proviso: "yeah, but I'm not being an adult."

There is a distinction between being 'nice' and kind. e.g., avoiding giving feedback because it's hard to do vs actually giving constructive feedback

[yobbo]

> be an adult and understand what I want and communicate it ...

This is as much a test of whether you are surrounded by adults.

In many situations, asserting yourself can lead to disaster socially. In these cases avoidance is in fact the adult thing.