[turdnagel]

I'm not sure "we don't do that here" is any more neutral than any other way of telling someone to stop doing something. It has the added weight of "we," which implies a shared set of cultural values, which in turn may help get the message across. But it does nothing to defuse someone feeling defensive about their actions.

[giraffe_lady]

It makes clear, though still implicit, that was has been transgressed is a social norm specific to that context. It communicates that if you mean to oppose it, you're opposing the social cohesion of that context rather than the value of the thing itself.

It doesn't address the feelings of the person or help their defensiveness, no. It just makes it less likely they'll continue to push against it.

[restingrobot]

>It makes clear, though still implicit, that was has been transgressed is a social norm specific to that context.

But it really doesn't though. In the example of the off color, (e.g. racist), joke, saying "we don't do that here", doesn't specify what "we" don't do. We don't make jokes about that specific race, but others are ok? We don't make any race based jokes, but sex based jokes are OK? We don't make jokes specifically about that topic?

Its farm more effective to say something along the lines of "what you just said is inappropriate for our work environment, please keep others in mind when making jokes"

[turdnagel]

I'm generally in agreement with you, but what I don't agree with is the author's assertion that it is a "magic" phrase that "ends the conversation". Realistically, it's very easy to imagine someone saying "why?" afterwards, leading to the exact kind of debate the author is trying to avoid. Anyway, I think it's a useful tool in the toolbelt, just not magic.

[mcguire]

On the other hand, it doesn't have the heavily implied threat of "that's against policy".

[ReptileMan]

And just shrugging off and ignoring the person just makes them less threatening.

[ThePadawan]

I personally find that people who thrive on loudly speaking their mind take a lack of opposition as confirmation of their beliefs.