[paperwasp42]

As a straight woman, dating in Silicon Valley has been a very eye-opening and bleak experience. I have a natural "therapist" personality, so people tend to spill their guts about their deepest feelings shortly after meeting.

I do not exaggerate when I say that at least 70% of the time, I can't past the second date without men admitting to having feelings of depression, or hopelessness, or anxiety, or lack of self-worth, or just a general bitterness toward their lives and world. Or they will spend an alarming amount of the date seething about politics and how doomed they feel the world is.

Now, of course, all those emotions are a normal part of the human existence, and everyone feels them from time to time. But these men are not feeling these things "time to time." Their existence is defined by mental turmoil and acute pessimism. And, of course, women are feeling these things too. But it seems so much more acute in men in Silicon Valley.

It's extremely alarming. I've been trying to figure out what is causing this trend, and there are a few core things that I think makes Silicon Valley worse than other areas in the country for men.

1) Workaholism. So many of these men are only ever told they're worth anything at work, which leads to them investing all their time into work, which leads to severely neglected social and romantic lives, which only amplifies the problem of work being the only place they ever hear anything positive about themselves, which leads to more work. It's a really vicious cycle.

2) Hyper-competitiveness. Everyone is always comparing themselves to each other, and in a land filled with unicorns and freshly-made millionaires, it's easy to have a 300k+ salary and still feel like you're "behind" or "not living up to your full potential."

3) Start-up culture. As this article points out, it's a roller coaster of highs and lows. For those working in start ups, it leads to emotional whiplash. For those outside of start ups, it leads to enviously watching the highs and feeling intense FOMO.

4) Skewed ratio of men to women. I am stunned by how difficult it is for my male friends to get a date in this area, but there just aren't as many eligible young women as there are men. I think this leads to a feeling of despair, especially for the shy, geeky types who already struggle with dating as it is.

5) The casual hatred of men within leftist circles. At dinner the other night, when someone was complaining about a boss, one of my friend's wives just casually made the comment, "Well yeah, what do you expect, men are terrible." This was said in front of her husband and the four other men at the table. Seemingly unthinkingly. And when I corrected her and said, no, terrible people are terrible, not men, she got visibly angry, and her husband jumped in to soothe her by saying, yes, she's right, men are terrible. No one else at the table objected. I could list off dozens more anecdotes about this sort of casual bigotry dressed up as progressive values. And I have no doubt it's part of what's wearing down men's mental health. When you're told you're terrible, and your mind is miserable, it's easy to think, "Well of course I'm miserable, I'm a terrible creature." This only amplifies the feelings of low self worth and guilt, and makes people less likely to seek help.

I have no idea how to solve any of these issues, other than being there for my male friends to talk to. But I think a good first step is to be able to talk about the issues men face openly, without being accused of misogyny or "not caring about women."

[Bakary]

Perhaps 6) would be the turbo-meaningless LinkedIn-like framing of work and life in tech jobs. The tone is very artificial and inhuman. It exists in other industries but the effect is particularly acute in tech. It's as if there is a layer of unnecessary bullshit language that people integrate into their way of thought. Subconsciously, I think even those who buy a bit into the bs suffer from it, whether it's trying to bump up Twitter numbers or writing some soulless blog post about bootstrapping or "lessons learned". The mind rejects it as nonsense even if it can generate some money.

[alexander-litty]

This is an excellent comment. Thanks for sharing your perspective in such great detail.

>Their existence is defined by mental turmoil and acute pessimism.

I’ve been trying to find the words for this - I (cis male and married) don’t feel this way but many of my peers do. It is disheartening; a very real black hole of anguish.

[strikelaserclaw]

SV must be the only place where you could be cream of the crop, statistically speaking but feel behind in every aspect of life.