[robertk]

My best friend’s wife is in the process of dying right now after qualifying for and self-choosing hospice following persistent and progressing medical issues. He was looking for graveyards yesterday while she continues to pass… I am one of his primary support structures and this is hard for me, too. I just want to be as normal as possible for/around him, to be a rock. But I have never been in this position for someone before and I don’t know what would be most helpful. If anyone has, or possessed the empathy and EQ to be truly attuned to an impossible situation like this, can you please reach me through my profile or respond to this comment? With gratitude in advance.

[tasuki]

(My partner died two months ago and I was left to care for a 20 month old toddler)

If you're one of his primary support structures, you're already doing great. If you weren't, he'd have chosen someone else.

Some situations just suck. Don't expect to be able to miraculously help your friend. Don't expect him to get better quickly. Perhaps he will, perhaps he won't. You're there for him, that's mostly all you can do.

If you must, ask him how else you can help. Each situation is different and each person is different, he'll know better than me.

[exolymph]

I'm sorry for your loss. That really does suck.

[johnsimer]

When my sister was sick the best thing we had was an entire church community helping us out - people taking turns babysitting, various people bringing food to us, people I barely knew and friends of people I barely knew offering help, people simply hanging out and being there for us, tons of people who had been thru similar things telling me I could call them at any time (I never did because I had trouble asking for help and acknowledging my emotions back then)

What I’m getting at is I’d assume the more of a community you can get around the situation, the better - and the greater the variety of needs that can be serviced (emotional or time-based) and the longer lasting that help can last. In a similar way to how constructing an org can be a lot more robust and capable than trying to solo a project

Sometimes just having someone(s) do some PM work to manage funeral arrangements, life insurance arrangements, closing down accounts, manage beneficiary distributions etc can be very helpful if motivation/discipline is hard or stressful to come by

Food for thought: after my sister and dad passed I had tons of people ask me how I was doing / “please you can talk to me anytime” and I’d say “I’m good” even though I was plagued with burnout, depression, anxiety for a few years etc. I’m in a much better spot now, but what I’m getting at is there can be a problem of that it may be near impossible to actually know how the person is doing, especially if they’re the type of person who doesn’t like sharing emotions or being a burden on others. Not exactly sure what you can do to fix it, just pointing it out

[hpcjoe]

Just listen. Be thoughtful. Let him lean on you. It will be a heavy burden, but for those you love, no burden is too great.

My brother-in-law passed about 6 years ago, after dealing with strokes, seizures, etc. I was in the room with my sister-in-law and him when they took him off life support (no brain activity). His illness was long, and he suffered. I wished he hadn't. He was a great guy, and I miss him.

My SIL has a large extended family, and we all helped out. Sometimes, just being in the same room, bringing things over, listening is just what the (real) doctors order.

Just be there, be present. Look for him struggling with something, and help him do that thing. Don't ask, don't push your way in to it. If it looks like he can't do simple things, let him grieve, and you handle those. He will need processing time. Help him get it. Some people need to be busy with physical things to process. Some people need to be alone to process. But they need people nearby, even if alone.

Everyone is different, every person processes grief differently. There's no real "right" way for this. And be aware that after a time, he may want to change some things in his life, to not be reminded of this time. This is not necessarily burying it. It is moving on.

[em-bee]

the most important qualities are patience and forgiveness.

your friend is supporting his wife, and she shares her pain and grief with him, while he shares his pain and grief with you.

here is an interesting article that describes this support model as multiple rings around the person that is sick.

https://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-xpm-2013-apr-07-la-...

your friends wife is at the center, your friend is the inner circle, next are his family and you. you are supporting those inside the circle, and you get help from outside the circle.

HN is the furthermost layer outside. maybe you have friends that you can turn to for your support, but if not, reaching out here on HN is the right direction. you are welcome to dump your pain here or in private to anyone who offers to listen.

i have been on that inner circle before, and on outer ones. feel free to reach out.

[johnsimer]

It’s hard man. What you’re doing for him is good <3