I find myself making way too much food, and having to freeze things back. Things I used to make in bulk that would last us 3 meals now take me over a week to finish, if I don't just throw it out.
If I don't want to cook, the thought of going out to eat by myself, getting a table for one, just feels pathetic and I don't want to do it. If I order delivery, I still end up getting too much.
If I make some new thing, something she never got to try, I feel like crap because it's another experience we didn't get to have together. Same for going to a new restaurant. All of this will get easier with time but I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.
However, I do want to take away the stigma of eating alone, watching a movie alone, etc. In my previous life, I was a tech consultant who traveled with a team and then was left behind by myself to finish the job. I spent more time alone in New Orleans, Columbus, Newark, and Dallas than I would have ever expected.
What I learned is that many people are alone. Those of us that were alone, together often met others and weren't so alone. It made the time better.
More importantly, you may not want to go out and eat dinner or go to a movie. That is a reasonable choice. That said, if you do and if you are worried about people thinking about you being alone you should know that most people don't notice anyone else. So they are not making judgments.
Most importantly, there are a lot of us who are alone out there. If you sit at the bar (and don't worry about drinking or not), you'll fit right in with the rest of us who are doing the same thing. We're all in this together.
It will get easier. Six and a half years for me, after almost ten of marriage. I wasn't the main meal preparer, but everything about mealtime took a different tack, including going out and experiencing new things in life. I felt like half of a team tackling the world. Eventually I moved to the mindset that the number one thing she would have wanted for me was to keep adventuring and getting out there, and I took to it quickly. Just as we grew to a be a team, I grew for a while to be solo, and then eventually grew to be a team with someone else. Our hearts heal and our patterns can change.
I understand that the main issue is the sadness, but there is nothing wrong with going to a restaurant by yourself. Absolutely nothing, and there is nothing to be ashamed of or pathetic. No one else in the restaurant will think twice about it either.
I’m so sorry, that sounds unimaginably hard. It’s hard for me to cook interesting things when my SO is just out of town for a bit.
One thing that did work for me when we were separated for a while was treating food like a chore, like showering or running. I gave myself permission to be monotonous, and just kept eating the same simple healthy things.
I am sorry for you loss. someone I hold dear shared "A short story for support, by an old man" with me and I found it helpful. I don't know who wrote it, but perhaps I can share it here.
It took me about 14 months to get to the point where enjoying something novel didn't invoke guilt. It has gotten, and does and will get, easier, but I also remember where you were very well and I know there's not much I can say that will help you now - it's terrible.
It has been 14 months since my wife passed after thirty years of marriage. There is a lot of good advice here. All I can say is things can get better. Grief is a process. Be kind to yourself. Seek out the company others if you can remotely tolerate it. Honor your wife by trying to be healthy and happy. You are not alone in your struggle.
Divorced for two years and I did most of the cooking, it didn't affect me much because I was already making large batches of food and freezing it. Here's my system:
- I cook about two dishes per week that freeze and re-heat well. (chilis, curries, soups, stews, refried beans, hummus, beans, etc)
- I cook 6-8 servings at a time, eat one right away and put two away and freeze the rest
- Before I eat up the rest of what's in the fridge, I get another 2-4 servings out of the freezer and put them in the fridge
- If I don't want to have what's in the fridge or freezer I cook a quick meal (stir fry, omelet, mac & cheese, pasta, ramen, etc)
I never get bored of my food and I don't spend a ton of time cooking. I also like to make things that can be "remixed" into other dishes to keep things interesting.
>going out to eat by myself, getting a table for one, just feels pathetic
I do this all the time, movies as well. Never had a spouse, I don't see anything wrong with it. I think you should try it, even if it makes you feel pathetic. You need to learn to live by yourself for a while maybe
Every time things like this come up, people rightly mention multigenerational households.
But then someone else brings up the lack of privacy and imposition of having multiple generations under one roof.
What I never heard people talk about, though is changing our architectural practices to support multigenerational households. There are "mother-in-law suites" you see sometimes (though these days they seem to be mostly for renters). But I think there is a huge opportunity to innovate in how we design homes to balance the need for community with larger families against the need for privacy and solitude.
I wish we'd at least go back to putting walls in houses. These open floorplans that look so nice in real-estate photos and have that "wow" factor when you walk through the front door suck to live in, but it's most of what gets built these days. Give me rooms with doors, damnit.
> changing our architectural practices to support multigenerational households
This is true about so many things. Infrastructure and architecture around us lead to a majority of emergent properties in the way society interacts.
In the 3rd world, it is fairly common to purchase an apartment for your parents in the same neighborhood as where you settle in. The free daycare itself makes up for the mortgage and the old people sitting by benches on evenings serve as communal protection while the kids play seemingly unsupervised.
> changing our architectural practices to support multigenerational households
Yes this. Our house has a mother in law suite. While we have tiny kids it's my office and my partner's art studio but it converts nicely into a guest suite. When my kids are grown I expect at least one of them will want to move to the MIL suite on a semi-permanent basis.
I met someone who was recently retired and who had built their dream. The guest bedrooms were immediately the left and right of the entry, at the end of whi h a giant open living room dining room and kitchen. Opposite the entry is another set of double doors which separated the garage+masterBd.+distillery, with another door to the master at the end
Guests could come and go and you wouldnt even need to acknowledge them if you didnt feel like it. And you wouldnt hear them.
I remember thinking how odd it was that I was looking into a bedroom as soon as i entered and ive only ever thought more and more how great an idea it was for intermittent visitors.
"Granny flats", they're called here, but they fell out of fashion because:
(a) New houses tend to be built in housing estates as either terraces or semi-detached without the land to add on a granny flat like in a lot of the pre-1950s houses that had them added on later.
(b) A lot of them were rather shoddily built.
(c) The end of single-income households for most of the populace means that even if someone was living in a granny flat, the younger generation would not be around to offer company/assistance because both are working.
In India, some families do follow this type of setup. My neighbor was asking me if I wanted to sell my apartment because he wanted to combine his apartment with mine so that his parents could stay with him. In my neighborhood there are few families, who could afford, have bought 2-3 apartments and combined them so that three generations can stay under one roof.
> ...opportunity to innovate in how we design homes... @munificent
This sounds like a statement made by someone that's never gone through the US process of purchasing a new home.
New homes have floorplans that are not designed to be 'consumer usable.' The floorplans and layout of the development are designed to maximize profit. That means squeezing tiny spaces into tiny plots in order to make several million more dollars per development, sometimes hundreds of millions of dollars.
These generic plans are drawn up by the lowest-cost bidder, and then sold to buyers who can barely afford those.
The entire market is complicit in this, and it is by design.
Want a multi-generational house? It won't be in a development, and it will cost more than two houses that are in a development.
While eating at a restaurant yesterday I saw my old friend who lost his partner to cancer 2 months ago eating alone. He was looking very lonely, and I was struck with how eating is an immense part of our social life as humans.
I walked over and chatted after which he looked physically healthier. Let's not forget our loved ones.
There's a lesser version of this in the "empty nest" scenario. When my daughter (only child) went to college, there were suddenly some meals I had no reason to cook - it's funny how you can miss cooking something you never particularly cared to eat - and many snacks I had no reason to stock. Even the meals I do cook have often needed adjustment for two people instead of three. Still haven't found a good half-size pan for my "Hamtramck style" pizza (Detroit style with kielbasa). The kitchen is definitely a sadder place than it used to be, and it does make me wonder about the days when it'll be just one.
Also, now I understand better why my mother always kept my favorite cookies around even though we only visited once a year or less. I never had the heart to tell her that they were always stale by the time we got there.
My oldest recently moved out, youngest off to college... I'm finding it difficult to adjust cooking habits as well. It's interesting to me how our behaviors adjust to accommodate life's needs and how noticeable they become once they're no longer needed.
Lloyd Pans makes really great detroit style pizza pans in several sizes (the 8"x10" one might be good for two people depending on how much you eat), hope that helps a bit. https://lloydpans.com/detroit-style-pizza-pans.html
Several months ago I learned I have celiac disease (the "no gluten" autoimmune disease) and I also have extremely high LDL cholesterol (~200 LDL-C), so I've removed all gluten and almost all saturated fat from my diet. At this point I don't believe I can eat out anymore, and yeah, it sucks. So many old friendships were maintained by a lunch meeting every 6 months. Eating is just the default social activity everyone participates in. I don't know a replacement for that.
The standard American diet lives up to its acronym. It's sad that a single food allergy and a goal to follow dietary guidelines eliminates almost all fast food and resturaunt food. Hell, at this point I believe anyone simply wanting to follow saturated fat guidelines is excluded from eating out.
Nobody has to die in order for you to find yourself eating alone every meal.
I somehow started inviting friends and meetings for walks instead of meals.
It started because I was tired of sitting all day. And because I was connected to a VC and had meetings where I could dictate the terms, I’d let people know that I didn’t want to sit and see a PowerPoint. I wanted to walk along the beach (near my office) and walk.
Now I also have a few friends I do this with. Friends I don’t see often. I find walking to be better for conversation, health, and just more fun.
Not sure if this is possible. I live and work by the beach and near a lot of parks. But I strongly recommend at least offering it. There must be other people sick of sitting all the time.
If your friends know of your condition, perhaps during the warmer months instead of meeting at a restaurant you can meet at a park nearby - they can grab some takeout and you can bring something that meets your needs.
It's relatively easy to find "gluten free" these days (though that varies on how actually gluten free it is) but the saturated fats are going to be harder to miss.
I've had similar experience. I found that I went through a kind of mourning for my old life for a while. It's a huge adjustment.
It also eats up a huge amount of time - reading labels for hidden ingredients, trying to come up with a meal that you can make that doesn't include the bad things etc. It became very isolating. Eventually I decided I had to figure out a middle ground.
I will meet people for "lunch" and just have coffee, or whatever I can tolerate from the menu.
I have people over more often because I know what I cook won't make me sick.
I went back to eating out - it takes a while to figure out/trust restaurants you can eat at. There will be mistakes along the way.
Find restaurants that are celiac-safe. You may find it safer to pick cuisines that naturally don't include wheat, than to get the gluten-free option at a regular gluten-y restaurant.
Does keto diet work for you? Based on your description I guess it would. Some restaurants offer some dishes which work for keto diet, but its still not widespread.
My dad passed away recently.
My mom was constantly trying to cook for me. She did all the cooking for my dad.
Was weird in that he wanted food cooked the same exact way as she had done for the last 48 years, no variation tolerated.
Trouble being that she was is a terrible cook and he liked his food burnt to hell and loaded with sugar and massive quantities of taco seasoning.
Pretty sure Taco Bell is healthier.
So I ended up doing all the cooking.
She seemed to make up for lack of cooking time by showing me things of his I might want for hours on end for multiple weeks.
Me and siblings now have tons of boxes of stuff we don’t want. But it calmed her down for us to take it.
I didn’t realize how important making the meals was to her. Not that she cares about the food. She knew it was terrible. She was excited to start eating the way she wants to.
But 40+ years of habit is really hard to break.
Side tip. We leaned hard way that social security survivor benefits and various pensions will stop immediately and take multiple months to switch to widow benefits. We got her covered. But was a nasty surprise.
Seeing this up close with my mother-in-law. Her husband passed away 2 years ago and she's still in the same broken state as the day he died.
After 50 years together, the triggers are unavoidable. The town, every place in it, every routine, everything in the house, every action she does...it's all connected to him in an inescapable way.
She's functional but it's as if any meaning and purpose was rugged away. She can't grow over it or recover, it runs too deep. 50 years isn't a phase, it's a blended life now brutally ripped apart.
She's now effectively waiting for it to be over. Still living independently in an apartment building full of her kind, as us men pass early. Her future now holds waiting to become care-dependent, lose all control and dignity, and then some more waiting.
Yes, controversial as it may be, I question the humanity of our "humane" approach. But I digress, and would emphasize to cherish your loved ones and your good years.
The only senior living situation I've ever witnessed that actually seemed like an enviable one is the one my paternal grandparents lived in. Place reminded me a lot of my rather nice university living situation, but with significantly larger apartments. Communal spaces including several dining halls with appropriately nice food, activities both actively organized (trips, approachable hikes, various clubs, classes, guest lecturers) and simply available (sports courts, a wood shop, a gym with a pool). Basically, university for those with a lower tolerance for discomfort, with a significantly more busy health clinic.
Of course, that all came with the requirement of spending a not-so-small fortune. But it really demonstrates, to me at least, that the dichotomy between "living alone" and "wasting away in a care home that resembles a hospital" is a false one, a product of a cruel economic system more than anything else.
When a person is enveloped in grief, cooking a meal is the most impossible thing to do. The reasons are many, but it is so.
If someone you know has just lost their loved one, in those days soon after, visit them, and take containers with some meals you have prepared. Like, heat'em and eat'em.
Even if you only go to check in and hug and drop them off.
My stepfather is dying of melanoma. My mom says the last thing she wants is people bringing food by--largely because she just doesn't have the energy left to deal with socializing, in any capacity, even the polite "Oh, thanks" of receiving the food, or much worse the inevitable "So how's he doing? How are you?"
I considered asking her if something like leaving a fridge accessible for people to stash things in without contact would help, but I felt a bit like I was missing the point: I think so often in situations like this we, those outside of the emotional experience, focus on ways we can help because it makes us feel better. Consistently what's been helpful for her, and for me, in talking with others isn't so much having suggestions or problem-solving, but just sharing the absolutely crushing absurdity of the experience of watching another human slowly die, and have the other person say "I don't even know what to say, that just sounds exhausting/insane/stressful."
Culturally we seem to focus so much on accelerating these seasons of grief because we don't want people to remain in pain, but some of it's necessary. There's a balance of being able to sit in the loss, and let it be real, that's a necessary part of the grieving process.
I might be missing your point a bit: of course having access to healthy food is useful when you're incapable of doing it yourself. I think I just personally wish for more awareness that most "outsiders'" immediate reaction when exposed to emotional pain of this magnitude is to find A Thing To Do to alleviate them of the emotional pressure they feel, regardless of the energy it requires from the sufferer to engage with that.
I'm always going to caveat this with a request to get permission before bringing food. Aside from all the usual dietary concerns, it can backfire the same ways as other well-meaning acts - flowers that die in front of you, cards or gifts that make the worst memories persist.
If multiple people do this without coordination, or I'm not hungry or simply don't like it, I felt guilty throwing it out. Even if I did eat it, if I ate it alone I associated that food with the grief and absence in that moment, which compounded the grief and made me resent the food, which festered guilt anyway.
What I wanted so, so, so much more than the food was the company. I'd take a frozen pizza or a cold drive-thru burger and an evening of talking in those first weeks and months over a delicious homecooked meal that was dropped off with a brief visit and left alone with me, every single time.
Staying as company felt inclusive and distracting in ways that helped. Dropping it off felt like I was a burden, a responsibility getting checked off of a list. In retrospect I know better, but in the moment it was a dangerous feeling.
If that's all you can do, it's more than nothing, and it can be appreciated. But just ask first, communicate that, if you can then offer to do more when you're able to.
My grandmother became a widow this year, after almost 70 years of marriage.
She talked daily about how she finds it hard to eat, or make food, for one. Our solution now is that she visits other family members for dinner instead, and that helps at least for dinner time.
After my dad passed away, my mom returned home, where they had stayed for more than a decade. My sister called my mom that evening during dinner time to enquire how she was doing and whether she had her dinner. My mom said, "I am cooking, and I feel that he(i.e. my dad) is sitting at the dinner table wait to be served dinner. Even during lunch I felt his presence. I am not alone."
My sister just hung up the phone and drove along with her husband to pick up my mom and bring her back with them. My mom is staying with them ever since.
===========================
The Theory of Holes
===========================
The Theory of Holes is a fundamental idea used in the Diamond Approach. Under usual circumstances, people are full of what we call “holes,” which refer to any parts of you that have been lost, meaning any parts of you that you have lost consciousness of.
Ultimately what we have lost awareness of is our essence or pure Being—who we truly are. When we are not aware of our essence, it stops manifesting. Then we feel a sense of deficiency. So a hole is nothing but the absence of a certain part of our essence. It could be the loss of love, loss of value, loss of capacity for contact, loss of strength, any of the qualities of Essence. However, to say we have lost parts of Essence does not mean they are gone forever. You are simply cut off from consciousness of them.
Let’s take, for example, the quality of value or self-esteem. When you are cut off from your value, the actual experience is a sense that there is a hole inside that feels empty. You feel a sense of deficiency, a sense of inferiority, and you want to fill this hole with value from the outside. You may try to use approval, praise, whatever. You try to fill the hole with acquired value.
We walk around with lots of holes, but we usually aren’t aware of them. We’re usually aware of desires: “I want praise. I want to be successful. I want this person to love me. I want this or that experience.” The presence of desires and needs indicates the presence of holes.
These holes originated during childhood, partly as a result of traumatic experiences or conflicts with the environment. Perhaps your parents did not value you. They didn’t treat you as if your wishes or presence were important, or act in ways that let you know that you mattered. They ignored your essential value. Because your value was not seen or acknowledged, you got cut off from that part of you; what was left was a hole.
When you relate to someone in a deep way, you fill your holes with the other person. Some of your holes get filled with what you believe you’re getting from the other person. For example, you may feel valued because this person appreciates you. You don’t know consciously that you’re filling the hole with their appreciation. But when you are with that person, you feel valuable, and unconsciously you feel the other person is responsible for your value. Whatever this person is giving you feels like a part of you; it is part of the fullness that you experience. Except that the value you now feel is dependent on the presence of the other person.
Your unconscious does not see as separate that part of the person that makes you feel valuable; you see it as part of you. When the person dies or the relationship ends, you don’t feel that you’re losing that person; you feel you’re losing whatever is filling the hole. You experience the loss of a part of yourself. It feels like you’re being cut and something is being taken out of you. You may feel as if you lost your heart, your security, your strength, your will—whatever the person fulfilled for you. When you lose a person close to you, you feel whatever hole that person has filled.
It is rare that another person fills all your holes. You have many people and activities in your life, and still, they don’t fill all your holes. There will be some holes left, and this keeps the dissatisfaction going.
Our society is set up to teach us that we should get the outside to fill our holes; we should get value, love, strength, and so on from outside. We talk about how wonderful it is to do things for other people, or to fall in love, or have a meaningful profession, as if these activities are what give life meaning. We attribute the meaning to the person or thing we think is responsible for it rather than to Essence, which is really responsible.
People try to fill holes in different ways. A woman may think, “Oh, so that’s what I’m doing with my husband! I’m trying to use him to fill my holes. Okay, now I won’t talk to him for the next two weeks.” She is trying to fill her holes by blaming her husband for filling them in the past. It is very clever how we try to fill our holes.
It takes a long time for people to understand that trying to fill holes doesn’t work. It is Essence, and only Essence, that can eliminate holes—deficiencies—and it does so from the inside.
Sounds interesting. But I don't like the business model on the website.
Maybe create an intuitive to make arts/theatre productions based on the concepts? (and get revenue from per-ticket-sales / per-artwork-sales / wonderfruit-like-festival-entrance-fee ?)
Even a set of in-person yoga classes will be different.
Juicing directly from people-in-need online is a bit sad, don't you think
eg On the website ->
> Standard Tuition
> The standard tuition for this 11-month course is $900. If you cannot afford to pay for the full course up front, we offer a monthly payment option of $90/month for 10 months.
This is just another negative to not diversifying your happiness sources and friend circles.
When literally the only shared activity you engage in is eating at the same table with few other people, and that activity is also the only thing you do that brings pleasure, you're completely destroyed when it's disrupted.
It's such a lazy, low-effort existence. Invest more effort and time in doingfunstuff, go camping, hiking, cycling, sailing, running, climbing... find good active friends who do diverse fun things where eating is an inconvenience because there's so much better things to do and you're no longer addicted to shoving comforting things in your mouth, go take some effing risks.
Don't be surprised when you don't bother and what pittances of pleasure sources you had vanish and you're up shit's creek without a paddle, and probably don't even have your health because you've been pleasure eating for decades while likely living an otherwise sedentary boring ass life.
I was deeply moved by the article thinking about my own relationship of twenty years, and imagining the inevitable death of one of us in the future.
Much of my own pain would involve activities you suggest while giving advice about something you don't understand.
I immediately thought about how my ski routine would be a trigger like this for me. I ski near 100 days a year. My first thought reading the article was how much I would hurt making morning coffee and breakfast without my husband and not talking and making ski plans for the day. And how hard and long it would be for that break in daily routine to no longer be a constant reminder of absence. All the harder by it's very routineness and connection to something that is otherwise very pleasurable to me.
That this type of pain would be mitigated by "getting out there and doing fun stuff and having more friends and not pleasure eating" is a perspective with zero understanding of what the bond in a decades long marriage is like or why meal time is so emotionally salient.
[+] [-] sokoloff|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] LiquidInsect|3 years ago|reply
I find myself making way too much food, and having to freeze things back. Things I used to make in bulk that would last us 3 meals now take me over a week to finish, if I don't just throw it out.
If I don't want to cook, the thought of going out to eat by myself, getting a table for one, just feels pathetic and I don't want to do it. If I order delivery, I still end up getting too much.
If I make some new thing, something she never got to try, I feel like crap because it's another experience we didn't get to have together. Same for going to a new restaurant. All of this will get easier with time but I wouldn't wish this life on anyone.
[+] [-] jmann99999|3 years ago|reply
However, I do want to take away the stigma of eating alone, watching a movie alone, etc. In my previous life, I was a tech consultant who traveled with a team and then was left behind by myself to finish the job. I spent more time alone in New Orleans, Columbus, Newark, and Dallas than I would have ever expected.
What I learned is that many people are alone. Those of us that were alone, together often met others and weren't so alone. It made the time better.
More importantly, you may not want to go out and eat dinner or go to a movie. That is a reasonable choice. That said, if you do and if you are worried about people thinking about you being alone you should know that most people don't notice anyone else. So they are not making judgments.
Most importantly, there are a lot of us who are alone out there. If you sit at the bar (and don't worry about drinking or not), you'll fit right in with the rest of us who are doing the same thing. We're all in this together.
[+] [-] incanus77|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ep103|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] sonofhans|3 years ago|reply
One thing that did work for me when we were separated for a while was treating food like a chore, like showering or running. I gave myself permission to be monotonous, and just kept eating the same simple healthy things.
[+] [-] digitalengineer|3 years ago|reply
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I2OnFobFvY0m3i4SGuDFh2kH...
[+] [-] NamTaf|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] trynewideas|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] diskzero|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] hahamrfunnyguy|3 years ago|reply
- I cook about two dishes per week that freeze and re-heat well. (chilis, curries, soups, stews, refried beans, hummus, beans, etc) - I cook 6-8 servings at a time, eat one right away and put two away and freeze the rest - Before I eat up the rest of what's in the fridge, I get another 2-4 servings out of the freezer and put them in the fridge - If I don't want to have what's in the fridge or freezer I cook a quick meal (stir fry, omelet, mac & cheese, pasta, ramen, etc)
I never get bored of my food and I don't spend a ton of time cooking. I also like to make things that can be "remixed" into other dishes to keep things interesting.
[+] [-] madrox|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] poisonarena|3 years ago|reply
I do this all the time, movies as well. Never had a spouse, I don't see anything wrong with it. I think you should try it, even if it makes you feel pathetic. You need to learn to live by yourself for a while maybe
[+] [-] munificent|3 years ago|reply
But then someone else brings up the lack of privacy and imposition of having multiple generations under one roof.
What I never heard people talk about, though is changing our architectural practices to support multigenerational households. There are "mother-in-law suites" you see sometimes (though these days they seem to be mostly for renters). But I think there is a huge opportunity to innovate in how we design homes to balance the need for community with larger families against the need for privacy and solitude.
[+] [-] yamtaddle|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] screye|3 years ago|reply
This is true about so many things. Infrastructure and architecture around us lead to a majority of emergent properties in the way society interacts.
In the 3rd world, it is fairly common to purchase an apartment for your parents in the same neighborhood as where you settle in. The free daycare itself makes up for the mortgage and the old people sitting by benches on evenings serve as communal protection while the kids play seemingly unsupervised.
[+] [-] zrail|3 years ago|reply
Yes this. Our house has a mother in law suite. While we have tiny kids it's my office and my partner's art studio but it converts nicely into a guest suite. When my kids are grown I expect at least one of them will want to move to the MIL suite on a semi-permanent basis.
[+] [-] water-your-self|3 years ago|reply
Guests could come and go and you wouldnt even need to acknowledge them if you didnt feel like it. And you wouldnt hear them.
I remember thinking how odd it was that I was looking into a bedroom as soon as i entered and ive only ever thought more and more how great an idea it was for intermittent visitors.
[+] [-] Macha|3 years ago|reply
(a) New houses tend to be built in housing estates as either terraces or semi-detached without the land to add on a granny flat like in a lot of the pre-1950s houses that had them added on later.
(b) A lot of them were rather shoddily built.
(c) The end of single-income households for most of the populace means that even if someone was living in a granny flat, the younger generation would not be around to offer company/assistance because both are working.
[+] [-] _448|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Dig1t|3 years ago|reply
California is making a tiny bit of progress by pushing for ADU's, but for the most part, it's just not allowed.
[+] [-] imchillyb|3 years ago|reply
This sounds like a statement made by someone that's never gone through the US process of purchasing a new home.
New homes have floorplans that are not designed to be 'consumer usable.' The floorplans and layout of the development are designed to maximize profit. That means squeezing tiny spaces into tiny plots in order to make several million more dollars per development, sometimes hundreds of millions of dollars.
These generic plans are drawn up by the lowest-cost bidder, and then sold to buyers who can barely afford those.
The entire market is complicit in this, and it is by design.
Want a multi-generational house? It won't be in a development, and it will cost more than two houses that are in a development.
Good luck with that...
[+] [-] Zachsa999|3 years ago|reply
I walked over and chatted after which he looked physically healthier. Let's not forget our loved ones.
[+] [-] bombcar|3 years ago|reply
I don’t get a ton of chances to utilize this rule, but it’s been successful.
[+] [-] unknown|3 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] notacoward|3 years ago|reply
Also, now I understand better why my mother always kept my favorite cookies around even though we only visited once a year or less. I never had the heart to tell her that they were always stale by the time we got there.
[+] [-] nickphx|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] zorgmonkey|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Buttons840|3 years ago|reply
The standard American diet lives up to its acronym. It's sad that a single food allergy and a goal to follow dietary guidelines eliminates almost all fast food and resturaunt food. Hell, at this point I believe anyone simply wanting to follow saturated fat guidelines is excluded from eating out.
Nobody has to die in order for you to find yourself eating alone every meal.
[+] [-] jraby3|3 years ago|reply
It started because I was tired of sitting all day. And because I was connected to a VC and had meetings where I could dictate the terms, I’d let people know that I didn’t want to sit and see a PowerPoint. I wanted to walk along the beach (near my office) and walk.
Now I also have a few friends I do this with. Friends I don’t see often. I find walking to be better for conversation, health, and just more fun.
Not sure if this is possible. I live and work by the beach and near a lot of parks. But I strongly recommend at least offering it. There must be other people sick of sitting all the time.
[+] [-] bombcar|3 years ago|reply
It's relatively easy to find "gluten free" these days (though that varies on how actually gluten free it is) but the saturated fats are going to be harder to miss.
[+] [-] equalsione|3 years ago|reply
It also eats up a huge amount of time - reading labels for hidden ingredients, trying to come up with a meal that you can make that doesn't include the bad things etc. It became very isolating. Eventually I decided I had to figure out a middle ground.
I will meet people for "lunch" and just have coffee, or whatever I can tolerate from the menu. I have people over more often because I know what I cook won't make me sick. I went back to eating out - it takes a while to figure out/trust restaurants you can eat at. There will be mistakes along the way.
Good luck - I hope it gets easier for you.
[+] [-] haroldp|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] wobbly_bush|3 years ago|reply
[+] [-] treeman79|3 years ago|reply
Was weird in that he wanted food cooked the same exact way as she had done for the last 48 years, no variation tolerated.
Trouble being that she was is a terrible cook and he liked his food burnt to hell and loaded with sugar and massive quantities of taco seasoning.
Pretty sure Taco Bell is healthier.
So I ended up doing all the cooking.
She seemed to make up for lack of cooking time by showing me things of his I might want for hours on end for multiple weeks.
Me and siblings now have tons of boxes of stuff we don’t want. But it calmed her down for us to take it.
I didn’t realize how important making the meals was to her. Not that she cares about the food. She knew it was terrible. She was excited to start eating the way she wants to.
But 40+ years of habit is really hard to break.
Side tip. We leaned hard way that social security survivor benefits and various pensions will stop immediately and take multiple months to switch to widow benefits. We got her covered. But was a nasty surprise.
[+] [-] fleddr|3 years ago|reply
After 50 years together, the triggers are unavoidable. The town, every place in it, every routine, everything in the house, every action she does...it's all connected to him in an inescapable way.
She's functional but it's as if any meaning and purpose was rugged away. She can't grow over it or recover, it runs too deep. 50 years isn't a phase, it's a blended life now brutally ripped apart.
She's now effectively waiting for it to be over. Still living independently in an apartment building full of her kind, as us men pass early. Her future now holds waiting to become care-dependent, lose all control and dignity, and then some more waiting.
Yes, controversial as it may be, I question the humanity of our "humane" approach. But I digress, and would emphasize to cherish your loved ones and your good years.
[+] [-] OkayPhysicist|3 years ago|reply
Of course, that all came with the requirement of spending a not-so-small fortune. But it really demonstrates, to me at least, that the dichotomy between "living alone" and "wasting away in a care home that resembles a hospital" is a false one, a product of a cruel economic system more than anything else.
[+] [-] euroderf|3 years ago|reply
If someone you know has just lost their loved one, in those days soon after, visit them, and take containers with some meals you have prepared. Like, heat'em and eat'em.
Even if you only go to check in and hug and drop them off.
It will relieve that person of a burden.
[+] [-] tenacious_tuna|3 years ago|reply
My stepfather is dying of melanoma. My mom says the last thing she wants is people bringing food by--largely because she just doesn't have the energy left to deal with socializing, in any capacity, even the polite "Oh, thanks" of receiving the food, or much worse the inevitable "So how's he doing? How are you?"
I considered asking her if something like leaving a fridge accessible for people to stash things in without contact would help, but I felt a bit like I was missing the point: I think so often in situations like this we, those outside of the emotional experience, focus on ways we can help because it makes us feel better. Consistently what's been helpful for her, and for me, in talking with others isn't so much having suggestions or problem-solving, but just sharing the absolutely crushing absurdity of the experience of watching another human slowly die, and have the other person say "I don't even know what to say, that just sounds exhausting/insane/stressful."
Culturally we seem to focus so much on accelerating these seasons of grief because we don't want people to remain in pain, but some of it's necessary. There's a balance of being able to sit in the loss, and let it be real, that's a necessary part of the grieving process.
I might be missing your point a bit: of course having access to healthy food is useful when you're incapable of doing it yourself. I think I just personally wish for more awareness that most "outsiders'" immediate reaction when exposed to emotional pain of this magnitude is to find A Thing To Do to alleviate them of the emotional pressure they feel, regardless of the energy it requires from the sufferer to engage with that.
[+] [-] trynewideas|3 years ago|reply
If multiple people do this without coordination, or I'm not hungry or simply don't like it, I felt guilty throwing it out. Even if I did eat it, if I ate it alone I associated that food with the grief and absence in that moment, which compounded the grief and made me resent the food, which festered guilt anyway.
What I wanted so, so, so much more than the food was the company. I'd take a frozen pizza or a cold drive-thru burger and an evening of talking in those first weeks and months over a delicious homecooked meal that was dropped off with a brief visit and left alone with me, every single time.
Staying as company felt inclusive and distracting in ways that helped. Dropping it off felt like I was a burden, a responsibility getting checked off of a list. In retrospect I know better, but in the moment it was a dangerous feeling.
If that's all you can do, it's more than nothing, and it can be appreciated. But just ask first, communicate that, if you can then offer to do more when you're able to.
[+] [-] Insanity|3 years ago|reply
She talked daily about how she finds it hard to eat, or make food, for one. Our solution now is that she visits other family members for dinner instead, and that helps at least for dinner time.
[+] [-] _448|3 years ago|reply
My sister just hung up the phone and drove along with her husband to pick up my mom and bring her back with them. My mom is staying with them ever since.
[+] [-] david38|3 years ago|reply
I’ll make food, anyone can make their own food, and eat whenever. I do restrict unhealthy food for the kids. It’s not a total free for all.
By separating food and socializing, I hope to reduce their risk of obesity, which is not uncommon in my family. So far so good.
[+] [-] mjh2539|3 years ago|reply
You are making a terrible mistake.
[+] [-] ElijahLynn|3 years ago|reply
=========================== The Theory of Holes ===========================
The Theory of Holes is a fundamental idea used in the Diamond Approach. Under usual circumstances, people are full of what we call “holes,” which refer to any parts of you that have been lost, meaning any parts of you that you have lost consciousness of.
Ultimately what we have lost awareness of is our essence or pure Being—who we truly are. When we are not aware of our essence, it stops manifesting. Then we feel a sense of deficiency. So a hole is nothing but the absence of a certain part of our essence. It could be the loss of love, loss of value, loss of capacity for contact, loss of strength, any of the qualities of Essence. However, to say we have lost parts of Essence does not mean they are gone forever. You are simply cut off from consciousness of them.
Let’s take, for example, the quality of value or self-esteem. When you are cut off from your value, the actual experience is a sense that there is a hole inside that feels empty. You feel a sense of deficiency, a sense of inferiority, and you want to fill this hole with value from the outside. You may try to use approval, praise, whatever. You try to fill the hole with acquired value.
We walk around with lots of holes, but we usually aren’t aware of them. We’re usually aware of desires: “I want praise. I want to be successful. I want this person to love me. I want this or that experience.” The presence of desires and needs indicates the presence of holes.
These holes originated during childhood, partly as a result of traumatic experiences or conflicts with the environment. Perhaps your parents did not value you. They didn’t treat you as if your wishes or presence were important, or act in ways that let you know that you mattered. They ignored your essential value. Because your value was not seen or acknowledged, you got cut off from that part of you; what was left was a hole.
When you relate to someone in a deep way, you fill your holes with the other person. Some of your holes get filled with what you believe you’re getting from the other person. For example, you may feel valued because this person appreciates you. You don’t know consciously that you’re filling the hole with their appreciation. But when you are with that person, you feel valuable, and unconsciously you feel the other person is responsible for your value. Whatever this person is giving you feels like a part of you; it is part of the fullness that you experience. Except that the value you now feel is dependent on the presence of the other person.
Your unconscious does not see as separate that part of the person that makes you feel valuable; you see it as part of you. When the person dies or the relationship ends, you don’t feel that you’re losing that person; you feel you’re losing whatever is filling the hole. You experience the loss of a part of yourself. It feels like you’re being cut and something is being taken out of you. You may feel as if you lost your heart, your security, your strength, your will—whatever the person fulfilled for you. When you lose a person close to you, you feel whatever hole that person has filled.
It is rare that another person fills all your holes. You have many people and activities in your life, and still, they don’t fill all your holes. There will be some holes left, and this keeps the dissatisfaction going.
Our society is set up to teach us that we should get the outside to fill our holes; we should get value, love, strength, and so on from outside. We talk about how wonderful it is to do things for other people, or to fall in love, or have a meaningful profession, as if these activities are what give life meaning. We attribute the meaning to the person or thing we think is responsible for it rather than to Essence, which is really responsible.
People try to fill holes in different ways. A woman may think, “Oh, so that’s what I’m doing with my husband! I’m trying to use him to fill my holes. Okay, now I won’t talk to him for the next two weeks.” She is trying to fill her holes by blaming her husband for filling them in the past. It is very clever how we try to fill our holes.
It takes a long time for people to understand that trying to fill holes doesn’t work. It is Essence, and only Essence, that can eliminate holes—deficiencies—and it does so from the inside.
[+] [-] archibaldJ|3 years ago|reply
Maybe create an intuitive to make arts/theatre productions based on the concepts? (and get revenue from per-ticket-sales / per-artwork-sales / wonderfruit-like-festival-entrance-fee ?)
Even a set of in-person yoga classes will be different.
Juicing directly from people-in-need online is a bit sad, don't you think
eg On the website ->
> Standard Tuition
> The standard tuition for this 11-month course is $900. If you cannot afford to pay for the full course up front, we offer a monthly payment option of $90/month for 10 months.
[+] [-] pengaru|3 years ago|reply
When literally the only shared activity you engage in is eating at the same table with few other people, and that activity is also the only thing you do that brings pleasure, you're completely destroyed when it's disrupted.
It's such a lazy, low-effort existence. Invest more effort and time in doing fun stuff, go camping, hiking, cycling, sailing, running, climbing... find good active friends who do diverse fun things where eating is an inconvenience because there's so much better things to do and you're no longer addicted to shoving comforting things in your mouth, go take some effing risks.
Don't be surprised when you don't bother and what pittances of pleasure sources you had vanish and you're up shit's creek without a paddle, and probably don't even have your health because you've been pleasure eating for decades while likely living an otherwise sedentary boring ass life.
[+] [-] vsef|3 years ago|reply
I was deeply moved by the article thinking about my own relationship of twenty years, and imagining the inevitable death of one of us in the future.
Much of my own pain would involve activities you suggest while giving advice about something you don't understand.
I immediately thought about how my ski routine would be a trigger like this for me. I ski near 100 days a year. My first thought reading the article was how much I would hurt making morning coffee and breakfast without my husband and not talking and making ski plans for the day. And how hard and long it would be for that break in daily routine to no longer be a constant reminder of absence. All the harder by it's very routineness and connection to something that is otherwise very pleasurable to me.
That this type of pain would be mitigated by "getting out there and doing fun stuff and having more friends and not pleasure eating" is a perspective with zero understanding of what the bond in a decades long marriage is like or why meal time is so emotionally salient.
[+] [-] unknown|3 years ago|reply
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