[kirsebaer]

Check out “childhood emotional neglect” and “complex posttraumatic stress disorder (CPTSD)”. There are lots of books, websites, and forums about this.

Your chronic feeling of emptiness and lack of joy indicate that you have turned off your emotions, maybe in early childhood, maybe to block out a traumatic experience or because your family ignored you and so emotions felt useless.

Look for a therapist who specializes in these issues. You will probably need to try out multiple therapists before you find one for you.

Sounds like you have a lot going for you. It is really common with these issues to have low self-esteem, to feel lots of shame, to feel hopelessly broken, etc, but other people probably do not see you like that.