The One Thing I Can’t Stand About Teaching English in Japan (2019)

[afterburner]

"They knew of my miscarriage"

So there appears to be a misunderstanding here. The enthousiastic-seeming politeness of one culture has accidentally convinced someone from a different culture that there was more emotional connection than there really was.

Just don't fall for it. It's mostly for show. Excessive politeness at a mass cultural level like that is simply an obligation. But this teacher doesn't understand that and, perhaps being a little more prone than average even in her own culture to forming emotional attachments with students, is misunderstanding what is happening.

Imagine you walk into one of those restaurants where people are super enthousiastic about you, with big hellos and showy gestures and maybe even some singing. But it doesn't mean you've formed a deep emotional bond with them. It's for show, that's just their baseline.

People everywhere in the world only have so much emotional bandwidth for strangers, but the difference in default displayed politeness level might make for some misunderstandings between cultures.

[paddw]

I think it's less there is a misunderstanding, and more the author is simply expressing their frustration with this aspect of Japanese culture.

[Raed667]

My uncle worked in Japan in the aughts. And he told me how his colleagues will do anything to avoid saying "no".

For example he would ask them if they wanted to go to lunch and they would say yes, but still be at their desk working. He asks again after a minute of awkward silence if they're ready to go, and they keep saying "yes one minute" and yet keep working until he gives up and goes away.

[anigbrowl]

People often take 'yes' in conversational Japanese to be an expression of agreement, when a lot of the time it's more of an acknowledgement, as in 'yes, (I heard what you said).'

[lawn]

Dating in Japan sounds absolutely horrifying, if this is the expected behavior to your private teacher...

[izzydata]

I dated a Japanese girl for 4 years throughout college. We spent basically every moment of every day together and then she just disappeared. Haven't heard from her in 11 years now.

[dudeinjapan]

Yep.

[bertil]

Does Japanese aversion to confrontation trigger this behaviour?

[Liquix]

Perhaps also a strong sense of duty and shame - after skipping one lesson they are too embarrassed to show up again. Each successive failure to respond deepens the embarrassment, making facing the instructor again an unthinkably difficult task. The same thing can happen with lack of attendance at university classes in other countries.

[codethief]

Came here to ask the same thing.

If so, how do people quit their jobs then, or do break-ups? They just never do or do they just disappear over night?

[valbaca]

Can OP just keep charging them? As in build in a recurring rate into the contract.

If they ghost, you keep charging them until they decide to cancel the contract.

Just like how a doctor will charge a cancellation fee, you could probably do that as well / instead.

Or up-front payments for x classes.

[reustle]

English teachers are a dime a dozen in Japan and are treated like garbage because of it. I doubt she has much sway over her contract.

[TanguyN]

It seems like a cultural difference and not something that should be taken as an offense. It's an introverted behavior, and aren't Japanese people, and Asian cultures at large, generally considered more introverted than their western counterparts? U.S. people, especially, might be the most extroverted in the world, and thus the least capable of understanding this.

[throwawaymaths]

Just take a deposit. Don't pay it back until they tell you they quit.

[MoSattler]

If my language teacher asked me for a deposit, I would find another teacher.

[dudeinjapan]

This is actually a great solution to the problem.

[lozenge]

Homo economicus strikes again. Will the deposit make up for the emotional hurt?

[harperlee]

I was thinking more on the line of a subscription where you buy the hour of class, either if you dont show up.

[m348e912]

I get the impression that ending a lesson with teacher or tutor in Japan seems shameful in some way.

I had some thoughts on how I'd deal with ghosting if I were a teacher in Japan. I do not have enough exposure to Japanese culture to know how well it would work.

* Change lesson duration from open ended to a fixed time period where students would have an option to "renew" based on their preference and progress.

* Provide a number of acceptable and "common" reasons to end study students can use in an effort to reduce shame. Reasons as simple as "I have met my goals as a student."

* Educate students early on on how to end their studies and present it as a part of the process and not shameful experience.

[colechristensen]

I heard a theory that this kind of extreme aversion to confrontation and the language effects are sometimes caused by a local history of essentially it being extremely common for someone to try to kill you if you offended them either through dueling or straight up murder. But that kind of killing was only socially acceptable for an obvious offense so language and behavior got tied up in knots to avoid confrontation of any kind.

This is why “bless your heart” and “fuck you” can mean the same thing in different places.

Alternatively this didn’t happen in places where conflict tended to be resolved with fights that didn’t escalate to killing.

[mhd]

Surprisingly not about Kanchō…

[mjd]

That's what I thought it was going to be.

(P.S. Something seems a little off about your username, but I can't put my finger on wha tit is.)

[BMc2020]

there was a blog long ago called Gaijin Smash where I learned what that was...still sounds better than an English boys boarding school...

[charlieyu1]

I understand a very little bit of Japanese culture and they probably just feel you don’t understand their social cues

[jancsika]

> I wanted them to just cancel.

"Sorry, $student, but I am unfortunately unable to continue being your teacher. [Personalized summary of student's progress, pleasantries, etc. go here.]" x $no_of_students

Simple. Effective. Exemplary.

Edit: I am totally available to teach English to Japanese students. Ghosting acceptable! No money down!

[atemerev]

I don’t see any problem with this. OK, if someone doesn’t want to talk to me, it’s their right. They don’t owe me any explanation or anything else. If I tried to repeatedly reach them and demand explanation — that’s borderline stalking to me.

Cultural differences?

[atemerev]

Judging from the number of downvotes, either I am even more socially inept than I ever thought before, or this is a genuine cultural difference.

[js2]

Ask Culture meets Guess Culture.

https://ask.metafilter.com/55153/Whats-the-middle-ground-bet...

[slibhb]

Reminds me of Ikiru when the doctor won't tell the protagonist that he has cancer.

[sdfghswe]

What shall we call this? Being disrespectful? Inconsiderate?

[arkitaip]

Saving face.

[nubinetwork]

Risk adversity.

[senectus1]

heh, you should set up payments like a gym membership... Until they get the balls to actually cut the ties properly you just keep getting paid every month.

[FabHK]

> I prefer someone blunt and clear who will say what they mean. I don’t care if they don’t say it in the nicest of ways, as long as they say it. Speak your heart!

If that's the author's preference (fair enough), then Japan is not the right place for them (in that respect). Intercultural Communication 101. Either learn to deal with it and stop taking it personally, or move somewhere else. (Or, sure, go on a one-person quest to change Japanese culture - what could go wrong.)

[Marqin]

She said in the article she would move out if not her partner

[oh_sigh]

And the fact is Japanese people have no problem understanding what people are really saying. Things can be bluntly stated in Japanese even if their direct transliteration isn't blunt in English.

[bsder]

> Either learn to deal with it and stop taking it personally, or move somewhere else.

To be fair, I would expect that HN would have a bit more sympathy for the fact that the ambiguity means that she has to hold open a "schedule slot" that she could otherwise sell to somebody else.

My friend teaches guitar and has to deal with this all the time. "I'd like to cancel the lesson." "That's great, but you still need to pay for it." "WHAT!?!?" "Look. You aren't just paying for being taught guitar. You are also paying for that 4:00PM Wednesday time slot that everybody in the universe wants."

[AstixAndBelix]

The author has correctly and rationally identified the problem. He knows exactly why and how his students behave this way, and yet he still takes it very personally. I'm glad he has at least found an explanation, but it would really help if he consulted with a mental health specialist as to which steps to take to stop feeling distraught every time it happens

[blackshaw]

> He

Given that the post mentions the author's pregnancy and miscarriage, I'm pretty sure it's "she".

[smsm42]

It's not a mental health issue. It's not unhealthy to feel upset if people behave in a way that inconveniences you or makes you feel bad. It's a normal human emotional reaction, people are not robots, and knowing the rational explanation for something does not prevent one from feeling emotions about it. There's not much to be done about it, but blogging about it may actually be pretty therapeutic.

[bawolff]

Isn't it reasonable to feel a little sad when something like this happens?

Like by all means if they are crushed by this, see a specialist, but a little pang of sadness hardly seems like an unreasonable reaction requiring a mental health professional.

The goal of therapy isn't to make you immune from all negative emotions.

[analyst74]

I do not like ghosting, but having the ability to adapt to local customs is quite important when living in a foreign country.

It seems the author actually understands the local customs, but couldn't accept it emotionally.

[WarOnPrivacy]

> The author has correctly and rationally identified the problem.

Did she? She indicated politeness likely plays a role but didn't get into the specifics of Japanese politeness that results in this.

[citizenkeen]

She.