I'm the author, and I'd like to thank you for this comment. Yes, I have a tendency for overthinking, so that's maybe why it seems complicated. I have thought about the different reasons for why people get into relationships as well and I think you categorized them well. I'm still unsure about my own "why" and that's what I'm trying to explore now starting with this post. Yes, I'd like to have children, but it's not a "burning desire" and it's difficult for me to imagine being a father without knowing who the mother of your children will be. Partnership sounds wonderful, but I'm not sure if a deep connection with a single person is really better than having a broader network of friends.
xyzelement|2 years ago
First, I sense what a psychiatrist would call ambivalence from you. Your behavior makes it clear - on one hand you "want" - eg you say you want to have kids, care enough to make this post but something holding you back from wanting wholeheartedly (or you'd be more certain and have taken more action). You even wrote in your post: "The longer answer might also include some thoughts and attitudes towards dating and relationships in my mind that hold me back" - IMHO that's the first set of things to explore. You can't achieve something you can't allow your self to want.
Second, if you have an opportunity, I strongly advise you to establish a relationship with a good therapist and work though this stuff over a long time. I suspect from what and how you are saying, it would take years to explore and unpack and reshape your emotions and thinking on this. I don't know how old you are but chances are if you could have done this on your own, you would have already.
Third, I encourage you to stay open minded and realize that you don't know what you want, so the rails you are creating for yourself may not be real. For example: "it's difficult for me to imagine being a father without knowing who the mother of your children will be" - I think that's an indication of an area to explore frankly. Most people I know who ended up having families knew they wanted a family first and found a partner to have one with. Also, from your post: "I’m not interested in a relationship for its own sake" - how do you know? Maybe you'll realize that you love being in a relationship and obviously the person has to be right but the relationship could be greater than the two of you.
Personal story. I always knew I wanted to be married and have kids and I was successful at dating but my relationships would always end. From the outside it would appear that I have my shit together and most women I dated were "marriage material" but I inevitably called it quits and started over. I spend a few years in fairly intense therapy (few times per week) and it has helped me deal with my own issues that kept me from going all the way. The other thing, I used to "obsess" about what my ideal person is like and as consequence dated a lot of power women (CEOs, professors, etc.) whom I found super interesting. But the woman I ended up marrying isn't a CEO, what she had to offer me was family - both becoming a member of her great family and the family we have together. I didn't know to look for that but it's what I needed. And although we have fewer natural interests in common, the current project we have of raising two small kids binds us much more than having a lot of hobbies in common etc. The point I am making is that I wouldn't have been able to describe what I actually need until I met her, even though I thought I knew.
Good luck. Mainly, find a therapist and prepare for a lot of work. It will be worth it.