Thanks for writing this Paul. I lost my dad just over 10 years ago to pancreatic cancer. He was 46 and I was 23, just starting my career. It was a wakeup call about what really matters in life. Now that some time has passed it's easy to lose sight of those lessons. So easy to place value on the 95% of the things in the world that don't really matter and instead ignore the 5% that do. I'd trade all the retina display iDevices I've owned or will ever own if my two year old daughter could meet her grandpa for even a few minutes.
Six months ago, I lost a family member to glioblastoma, another one of those "get your affairs in order" cancers. It was 3 months from beginning to end for us as well.
In the interim, it seems like I've had two sorts of conversations. Ones with people who have experienced loss, and ones with those who haven't. The latter group are perfectly nice people, but there's a gap. So I am very grateful that you've taken the time to write about issues that are so present to me and so many others.
And yes, of course this is about startups: Beginnings and endings. Loss and acceptance. Presence in the moment. Creation and joy. And choosing wisely how to spend what little time we each have.
Thank you for sharing this, a great post that makes the reader's life richer.
In the post, you say:
> On a more practical level, what matters most in our day-to-day lives is that we're good to ourselves and to each other. It's actually not possible to only do one or the other -- we must do both or neither, but that's a topic for another time.
Please do write on this topic. I'd love to read what you have to say on this.
Beautiful. Thank you, Paul. You just reminded us that no matter how many ones and zeros we look at, we must never lose sight of what's really important, so...very startup related.
My sincere condolences on losing Stephen. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a sibling so young.
I lost my mother on September 15, 2011, and I'm still devastated. I haven't missed a day of work, but I'm not nearly back to normal. My head says one thing, but my heart says another.
One of the things that brought me great comfort that terrible week was blogging about her and posting that link here at Hacker News.
It was indeed beautiful. About the last statement - "Please be good to each other, and your self."
As a developer who has always been short on resources, incurred huge financial losses due to false startup promises and has met two separate incidents of street violence in a span of 4 months, I wish people were nicer, helpful and more concerned about others and that there was a better environment for everyone to grow. I still feel lucky enough not to have a terminal illness. But, a lot of people just burn out because of a bad past. And that's where, I guess, being good to your self part helps.
Thank you for the reminder Paul, and it's very startup related. I'm in bed now from a surgery I just had, and the most painful part about it is the love and support I've received from everyone while feeling that I've been ignorant of them in the past and too focused on my startup work. Again, a great reminder of what is important in life and who will be there when it matters.
Inspiring. My heart goes out to you and your family. Life can be so tragic at times, almost pushing us to breaking points as we try to find the meaning of it all. Thank you for sharing this and reminding us to embrace our pain, to embrace our humanity.
> Sometimes, when I write about startups or other interests of mine, I worry that perhaps I'm communicating the wrong priorities. Investing money, creating new products, and all the other things we do are wonderful games and can be a lot of fun, but it's important to remember that it's all just a game.
It's also a means to an essential end - real wealth creation - that in turn enables us to fund advanced medical research and other long-term bluesky projects that improve the human condition.
There are only a few ways of creating real wealth. You can harvest raw materials from the ground, be they animal, vegetable, or mineral, and apply labor + capital + innovation + time to turn them into products worth more than total cost of their inputs.
That delta in input->output value we call profit, or net revenue, but what it really represents is wealth that was created out of thin air that didn't previously exist. This is perhaps the greatest magic trick humanity has ever invented, and makes all else possible.
You can also provide specialized products or services that reduce the cost of labor, capital, innovation, or time in that equation, which also creates wealth. Much of the software-based startup scene is about both reducing the time and cost of innovation and labor and increasing the value of the computer hardware produced by the first method.
So just keep in mind that those of us fortunate enough to be working in this field are not just competing in a game, we're creating real wealth that can then be used to improve the entire human condition, be it medical, social, governmental, etc. Being good to ourselves and each other is not orthogonal or mutually exclusive to our day jobs, but an ultimate outcome of them.
Paul, whether you realized it or not, you were and are working to save your brother's life, and that of everyone else struck by the whim of nature. It just didn't happen quickly enough, but it's a hard task. One day we'll get there.
This was incredibly sad, but one of the most deeply relatable stories I've read for anyone who has lost a loved one or struggled with grieving. Thank you for submitting, it brought back a lot of memories (good and bad). This part is the must read: I keep looking for meaning, but all I've found so far is that in order to be at peace with the present, we must be at peace with the past, because the present is a product of the past. Accept.
I drove by the same tracks earlier today and I had a very similar initial reaction... I was driving my kids to daycare and couldn't figure out why Menlo Park traffic was so busy that time of day. Drivers in front of me were acting odd and I was starting to get a bit angry. I was in a hurry and people were driving like idiots.
Then I drove by the accident. And my mood shifted immediately. I didn't need to see anything more than the police car blocking the tracks. I knew that it was a tragic situation and saving a couple of minutes on the way to drop my kids off were trivial in comparison.
It's a sad what it takes to snap us back to reality.
I can relate so much, unfortunately. Reading this post, and all the details that you provide about that day - I can remember so well the day that I learned my sister had an accident... and the night that she passed.
I found out it took a lot more effort to get back to normal life afterwards and I feel encouraged that you have been able to.
The worst part is the need for meaning - in what happened and in what you want to happen for your life - and the high burden it can impose on someone.
Two years in, I feel that acceptance is indeed the only way to be able to fly again.
Thank you for this post paul... and good luck handling that day and remember your beloved brother.
I can't help but think it should be investigation & discernment & equanimity rather than acceptance. In buddhism, (as far as i've seen) peace doesn't come from trusting that there's beauty in everything.
I lost my brother a year ago tomorrow, he's also named steve so I found this a bit eerie.. In his case it was self inflicted after a long struggle with bipolar disorder. Thanks for sharing, its good sometimes to hear from others who have gone through an abrupt loss of a loved one too young. Its given me a new perspective on things, at least I hope. It can be hard to find meaning in a career after something like this but I feel one day I will hopefully do something to impact this world in a positive way
Well done. Thank you for sharing this intimate part of you. Please, please everyone: take heed: "Those who push only for the sake of some future reward, or to avoid failure, very often burn out, sometimes tragically. Please don't do that."
To those not taking heed: Being and Internet Celebrity today will provide you no comfort in that not-to-distant tomorrow when your spouse, children, family, and friends have realized that they are not the most important ingredients of your life.
"Ultimately, the people who learn to love what they do who will be the ones who accomplish the most anyway. Those who push only for the sake of some future reward, or to avoid failure, very often burn out, sometimes tragically."
This is one of the best pieces of advice I've read in a long time. Worthy of being framed and hung on the wall above my workspace.
First of all, thanks a lot for sharing this Paul. I have just entered college and have only just started to see the importance of these lessons you illustrate: Accepting the past and being good to ourselves and each other.
Unfortunately, they are learned too late in life by too many people. I myself have spent too much time working for the sake of some future reward instead of the love of my work. The problem with this is that it can create unhealthy feedback loops. You keep working, certain that sooner or later this work you hate will pay off. And when it doesn't, you think you either didn't work hard enough and try again, or you finally decide to find work you love. But when you've spent the past working for a reward that never came, it's really hard to accept the past. That's where some of the most painful burnouts come from.
Make it a point to talk to your parents, and siblings every other day. The absolute minimum should be once a week. Even just a quick "I am busy, but I just wanted to see how you guys doing". Just do it.
I know Paul has caveated advice before in a Startup School talk ('advice = over-generalizations + limited life experience...', I think..). But this seems like such useful advice at all timelines (in work and personal life):
I keep looking for meaning, but all I've found so far is that in order to be at peace with the present, we must be at peace with the past, because the present is a product of the past.
One of those things that's so obvious that it's easy to overlook its importance.
I had a similar experience when I was in college. I was close to finishing school, partied a lot and generally went through life without a care. One night, we were at a bar, and the trains ran right through town and right behind the bar we were at. I was waiting for a friend. When he finally got there after work, he walked up to our table like a zombie, he was completely pale, like a ghost. We asked what was wrong, and he said he just saw a guy kill himself by walking on the train tracks as the train was coming. He was just getting out of his car and saw the whole thing but was powerless to stop it. He said he didn't feel like drinking tonight and turned to walk out of the bar. My group of friends all looked at each other and we all had the same reaction. Time to go. The rest of the night we talked about the fragility of life, and to make sure you tell your family you love them everyday and to enjoy the time you've been given.
Needless to say, that night was a wakeup call. Ever since then, I try and keep a good perspective on what's really important. It's always nice to get a gentle reminder though, so thank you.
"What happened, happened. It's difficult to understand the big picture when our lives are mere brush strokes on the canvas of reality. Trusting that it all fits together to form something beautiful is the purest form of faith. Anything else is a dangerous distraction. No contracts with God, no expectations of reward, just trust."
It has been a principle of mine for the longest time - "Dust to dust, ashes to ashes. There is no reason to vie for a better unknown. Act for here, act for NOW. I can, maybe hope to leave behind a memory for my loved ones to cherish, and if I am fortunate, maybe a legacy for others to look up to."
Thank you for the sentiment, and for sharing. I have not lost anyone close but your words struck a chord with me.
"... What's most important is that we are good too each other, and ourselves. If we "win", but have failed to do that, then we have lost. Winning is nothing....
Please be good to each other, and your self. ..."
Hard won perspective. I'm sorry for your loss Paul.
Except there is no mention of cancer. Is a solution really so much out of reach?
I feel like there's an identity issue here to blame, something along the lines of "we're programmers, we're not about making medical breakthroughs".
Yet I can't shake off the notion that everything, absolutely everything, is interlinked, and we're in a better position, perhaps the only position, to understand and exploit this concept fully, in order to solve such problems.
This is a real problem hackers could solve: early detection of health problems which leads to preventative treatments.
Although I lack any type of expertise outside of building a health startup I think this is probably one of the biggest ways we could reduce the impact of cancer on society... given the technology we have right now.
It's not a matter of medical break-through though, but about building the right monitoring tools, creating meaning out of data, getting people to use them and the greatest challenge for startups: dealing with significant government regulation.
[+] [-] paul|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] JunkDNA|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] wpietri|14 years ago|reply
Six months ago, I lost a family member to glioblastoma, another one of those "get your affairs in order" cancers. It was 3 months from beginning to end for us as well.
In the interim, it seems like I've had two sorts of conversations. Ones with people who have experienced loss, and ones with those who haven't. The latter group are perfectly nice people, but there's a gap. So I am very grateful that you've taken the time to write about issues that are so present to me and so many others.
And yes, of course this is about startups: Beginnings and endings. Loss and acceptance. Presence in the moment. Creation and joy. And choosing wisely how to spend what little time we each have.
[+] [-] swombat|14 years ago|reply
In the post, you say:
> On a more practical level, what matters most in our day-to-day lives is that we're good to ourselves and to each other. It's actually not possible to only do one or the other -- we must do both or neither, but that's a topic for another time.
Please do write on this topic. I'd love to read what you have to say on this.
[+] [-] edw519|14 years ago|reply
My sincere condolences on losing Stephen. I can't imagine what it's like to lose a sibling so young.
I lost my mother on September 15, 2011, and I'm still devastated. I haven't missed a day of work, but I'm not nearly back to normal. My head says one thing, but my heart says another.
One of the things that brought me great comfort that terrible week was blogging about her and posting that link here at Hacker News.
http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3022366
The responses I got from this wonderful community helped me more than I ever would have imagined. I hope you receive similar comfort from us today.
[+] [-] mhartl|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bilalhusain|14 years ago|reply
As a developer who has always been short on resources, incurred huge financial losses due to false startup promises and has met two separate incidents of street violence in a span of 4 months, I wish people were nicer, helpful and more concerned about others and that there was a better environment for everyone to grow. I still feel lucky enough not to have a terminal illness. But, a lot of people just burn out because of a bad past. And that's where, I guess, being good to your self part helps.
[+] [-] gigantor|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ryanb|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] rooshdi|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] rbanffy|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ajju|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] zotz|14 years ago|reply
> "What's most important is that we are good too each other, and ourselves."
Our siblings and I agree with you. Thanks for writing these lovely truths.
[+] [-] SkyMarshal|14 years ago|reply
It's also a means to an essential end - real wealth creation - that in turn enables us to fund advanced medical research and other long-term bluesky projects that improve the human condition.
There are only a few ways of creating real wealth. You can harvest raw materials from the ground, be they animal, vegetable, or mineral, and apply labor + capital + innovation + time to turn them into products worth more than total cost of their inputs.
That delta in input->output value we call profit, or net revenue, but what it really represents is wealth that was created out of thin air that didn't previously exist. This is perhaps the greatest magic trick humanity has ever invented, and makes all else possible.
You can also provide specialized products or services that reduce the cost of labor, capital, innovation, or time in that equation, which also creates wealth. Much of the software-based startup scene is about both reducing the time and cost of innovation and labor and increasing the value of the computer hardware produced by the first method.
So just keep in mind that those of us fortunate enough to be working in this field are not just competing in a game, we're creating real wealth that can then be used to improve the entire human condition, be it medical, social, governmental, etc. Being good to ourselves and each other is not orthogonal or mutually exclusive to our day jobs, but an ultimate outcome of them.
Paul, whether you realized it or not, you were and are working to save your brother's life, and that of everyone else struck by the whim of nature. It just didn't happen quickly enough, but it's a hard task. One day we'll get there.
[+] [-] diogenescynic|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] alaskamiller|14 years ago|reply
You must also learn when to fight, when to submit, and most importantly the balance in between.
For humanity didn't progress by simply accepting, simply coping, nor can it survive further by always fighting.
Take care.
[+] [-] mbreese|14 years ago|reply
Then I drove by the accident. And my mood shifted immediately. I didn't need to see anything more than the police car blocking the tracks. I knew that it was a tragic situation and saving a couple of minutes on the way to drop my kids off were trivial in comparison.
It's a sad what it takes to snap us back to reality.
[+] [-] 2pasc|14 years ago|reply
I found out it took a lot more effort to get back to normal life afterwards and I feel encouraged that you have been able to.
The worst part is the need for meaning - in what happened and in what you want to happen for your life - and the high burden it can impose on someone. Two years in, I feel that acceptance is indeed the only way to be able to fly again.
Thank you for this post paul... and good luck handling that day and remember your beloved brother.
[+] [-] cellularmitosis|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Herring|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] devs1010|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] szany|14 years ago|reply
- Kurt Vonnegut
[+] [-] joedev|14 years ago|reply
To those not taking heed: Being and Internet Celebrity today will provide you no comfort in that not-to-distant tomorrow when your spouse, children, family, and friends have realized that they are not the most important ingredients of your life.
[+] [-] octotoad|14 years ago|reply
This is one of the best pieces of advice I've read in a long time. Worthy of being framed and hung on the wall above my workspace.
[+] [-] JDulin|14 years ago|reply
Unfortunately, they are learned too late in life by too many people. I myself have spent too much time working for the sake of some future reward instead of the love of my work. The problem with this is that it can create unhealthy feedback loops. You keep working, certain that sooner or later this work you hate will pay off. And when it doesn't, you think you either didn't work hard enough and try again, or you finally decide to find work you love. But when you've spent the past working for a reward that never came, it's really hard to accept the past. That's where some of the most painful burnouts come from.
[+] [-] mrkmcknz|14 years ago|reply
It puts 'our world' into perspective and makes you think hard about what really matters to you deep down.
When you're young out of college you don't often think about family and your personal future.
I think we should all do that a bit more.
[+] [-] rokhayakebe|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] edwinnathaniel|14 years ago|reply
That's not to say that people are crazy for attention...
[+] [-] tmsh|14 years ago|reply
I keep looking for meaning, but all I've found so far is that in order to be at peace with the present, we must be at peace with the past, because the present is a product of the past.
One of those things that's so obvious that it's easy to overlook its importance.
[+] [-] darksaga|14 years ago|reply
I had a similar experience when I was in college. I was close to finishing school, partied a lot and generally went through life without a care. One night, we were at a bar, and the trains ran right through town and right behind the bar we were at. I was waiting for a friend. When he finally got there after work, he walked up to our table like a zombie, he was completely pale, like a ghost. We asked what was wrong, and he said he just saw a guy kill himself by walking on the train tracks as the train was coming. He was just getting out of his car and saw the whole thing but was powerless to stop it. He said he didn't feel like drinking tonight and turned to walk out of the bar. My group of friends all looked at each other and we all had the same reaction. Time to go. The rest of the night we talked about the fragility of life, and to make sure you tell your family you love them everyday and to enjoy the time you've been given.
Needless to say, that night was a wakeup call. Ever since then, I try and keep a good perspective on what's really important. It's always nice to get a gentle reminder though, so thank you.
[+] [-] raju|14 years ago|reply
It has been a principle of mine for the longest time - "Dust to dust, ashes to ashes. There is no reason to vie for a better unknown. Act for here, act for NOW. I can, maybe hope to leave behind a memory for my loved ones to cherish, and if I am fortunate, maybe a legacy for others to look up to."
Thank you for the sentiment, and for sharing. I have not lost anyone close but your words struck a chord with me.
RIP Stephen.
[+] [-] bootload|14 years ago|reply
Hard won perspective. I'm sorry for your loss Paul.
[+] [-] pagehub|14 years ago|reply
[+] [-] gsharm|14 years ago|reply
http://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=3686840
Except there is no mention of cancer. Is a solution really so much out of reach?
I feel like there's an identity issue here to blame, something along the lines of "we're programmers, we're not about making medical breakthroughs".
Yet I can't shake off the notion that everything, absolutely everything, is interlinked, and we're in a better position, perhaps the only position, to understand and exploit this concept fully, in order to solve such problems.
[+] [-] dmix|14 years ago|reply
7. Ongoing Diagnosis
This is a real problem hackers could solve: early detection of health problems which leads to preventative treatments.
Although I lack any type of expertise outside of building a health startup I think this is probably one of the biggest ways we could reduce the impact of cancer on society... given the technology we have right now.
It's not a matter of medical break-through though, but about building the right monitoring tools, creating meaning out of data, getting people to use them and the greatest challenge for startups: dealing with significant government regulation.