(no title)
throwarayes | 2 years ago
One performance review I received was a 45 minute, one-sided rant from my boss directed at me. All completely out of left field. With no ability to get a word in. It left me utterly shell shocked.
Most performance reviews I’ve had are good “gives and takes”, leaving me with feedback to consider, but also offering my boss perspective too. They’re also usually not complete surprises. I’ve had to give hard feedback to subordinates myself, and I know the importance of being open and listening when giving feedback, as almost always I have an incomplete picture of their behavior and a lot to learn about what they’re going though.
Trusting, dumbass me, just sat there and took this. I assumed I was the problem, that I was fundamentally broken as an employee, and wanted to just find any way to please this boss to make it all better.
She used the time to tell me,
- all the ways I was screwing up, without letting me ask questions, clarify, or correct anything.
- that she, and only she, had the true objective perspective on and others wouldn’t tell me their thoughts about me (despite regularly giving / receiving feedback)
- Make me distrust my colleagues as my boss had me thinking they were holding something back / funneling all these complaints to my boss.
This pattern of communication persisted for months sadly, and it took me months to “deprogram” away from thinking she had the a true, objective view of my performance.
I slept poorly this whole time. My engagement suffered and my performance plummeted. I went from a top performer in my space to becoming disengaged and feeling I could do nothing right. I went from having regular open discussions with everyone on how I could improve to having convos with only her, and closed off from my colleagues.
It was as if it was intended to get me to leave, which I did given how unhealthy the environment was. Which is interesting as early on she had been so positive and supportive. I guess it all had little to do with my performance and more to do with not being seen as useful anymore, and thus discarded by her.
justin_oaks|2 years ago
This reminds me of a friend who has a narcissistic spouse. The spouse's criticism, gaslighting, and projection has ruined his self-esteem. It took years and the help of therapists for him to see that he isn't the problem.