[rodent_rodeo]

I’ve had similar feelings. Sometimes an environment can truly be toxic but often, IMO, these urges come from a place of fleeing from yourself and disguise themselves in different appearances/urges.

This quote put it into perspective for me, even though I’ve only seen one or two episodes:

"A darkness carried in the heart can not be cured by moving the body from one place to another." —Season 3 Episode 6 - Dust to Dust, Babylon V

I spent a few years deeply contemplating suicide and made some pretty serious attempts. Ultimately, I reflected on the meaning and purpose of life, had an epiphany, found God, lost God, found God again and settled in with a family for the long haul.

Some people keep running from place to place all their lives, the ones I’ve met don’t seem to have ever accepted a reason for settling in and are just as restless at 70 as at 21.

Good luck, hope you find your peace. Peer support groups can help. Would also recommend Victor Frankenstein Man’s Search for Meaning and Fulton Sheens talks (last one is religious but he was one of the first TV superstars, highly educated, extremely eloquent, and palatable for mainstream of the time. He has good reflections on what is life, why are we here, etc and available on YouTube).

Sorry if my advice is too generic but my heart goes out to you. I really believe now that we all have a place in this world and that our “hearts are restless until they rest in God” - St. Augustine. Now maybe you find a different God than I did but I firmly believe the search is ingrained into our DNA and your restlessness is a prompt for deep reflection. Read up, make some sacrifices (give things up, eg stoicism for the pagans here), get some peer support, accept that somethings are going to suck, find peace.

It gets better though. I know that’s another platitude and I’ll spare you anymore.