[WIJIS6F3]

I was bullied, mainly when I was between 10 and 11. This was in the 80's. I recall being both verbally and physically attacked by large groups of other students. My teachers didn't believe me so I couldn't turn to them.

In one of the events 8 kids chased me several miles through neighborhoods and fields. Eventually they caught and surrounded me in a front yard. Luckily, an older woman opened her door and had me step inside her home. A few minutes later she drove me home. I'm sure she's passed by now but I will always be grateful to her.

To a degree, this abuse made me a mean person in later school years. I had my growth spurt between 11 and 12. When I started at a new school, in my new body, I was able to decide that I would no longer be a victim. At about the same time my Grandfather, a massive retired military dude, explained that nobody ever got in trouble for making the first strike in an inevitable conflict.

That advice became my strategy and I was engaged in half a dozen fights where my opponent approached and threatened me and I went all-in with my fists. That gave me a reputation that meant very few others ever bothered me. My fighting stopped shortly after I graduated and I haven't used my fists in 29 years.

[PH95VuimJjqBqy]

I moved a lot as a kid and inevitably when I would get into a fight. Once it was established that I didn't bully well I'd be left alone.

Thing is, the world is like that past HS it's just not physical violence. Learning to deal with bullies is a life skill that will be employed throughout most of your life.

[llm_trw]

Looking at kids these days they lack that skill and suffer for it.

It's like we've decided that bikes with training wheels are too dangerous until you turn 18 and then we put you on a rocket powered motorcycle instead.

[em-bee]

the problem is, how does a kid actually learn how to deal with bullies?

just being exposed to bullying does not work. at least it didn't work for me. while i learned to stand up for others, i never learned to stand up for myself. i found only two options: either i am able to turn the bully around by becoming friends with them or i completely remove myself from the situation. and that can mean quitting a job and moving to a different city. (it never was as bad for me, so maybe i am exaggerating)

btw i feel that fighting back is decidedly not the right response to bullies. GP is lucky that he managed to stop after graduation, because i don't believe that many others are able to do that.

that said, i don't actually have any experience with this level of bullying. what i experienced was more light teasing, being made fun of, which of course i didn't like, but also didn't know how to respond to.

i do remember teachers noticing and initiating discussions with me and the kids involved. i don't remember if that helped, only that in one case i had the opportunity to respond to the teasing in kind, so i felt that i got even, and said as such when the teachers brought up that situation.

thinking about this now makes me realize that the problem was that these were not my friends. i didn't have any friends in school, and so the issue for me was that i didn't have any support that would have helped me deal with the teasing. i am only guessing that the discussions with the teachers helped me realize that this other kid wasn't stubbornly mean, but more playful, which probably was why i was able to respond in kind later. (i am just making this up now, i have no idea what i was thinking at the time)

so to the question, how to actually learn how to deal with bullies, i think, the answer is to learn how to make friends. not only friends that help you against bullies, but even try to make friends with the bullies themselves.

now in school that needs help from adults who enable the kids to interact with each other in a friendly manner, by providing them with experiences where they can learn to get to know each other.