[strenholme]

My wife died 10 years ago, so I understand that pain. Dealing with death is never easy. The thing I miss most about my wife is the depth of emotional connection; she knew everything about me being very deeply in love with me and everything I did really mattered to her. It has taken me nearly 10 years to build a network of friends who can give me comparable levels of socialization and attention; I have about two dozen very close friends (both male and female) across the world now and it’s finally enough to replace the hole in my life I had which my wife used to fill.

I can see why Feynman became sexually promiscuous afterwards, undoubtedly to numb the pain of losing his wife; seduction allowed him to have a form of that connection, albeit without the depth and love of what he had with his wife. While that path looked appealing to me, I do not regret avoiding that temptation.

[kgwgk]

> I can see why Feynman became sexually promiscuous afterwards, undoubtedly to numb the pain of losing his wife; seduction allowed him to have a form of that connection, albeit without the depth and love of what he had with his wife.

He married again in 1952 and divorced in 1958 (and married again a couple of years later).

I don't know if sexual promiscuity was part of the divorce complaint but apparently this fragment was in it: "He begins working calculus problems in his head as soon as he awakens. He did calculus while driving in his car, while sitting in the living room, and while lying in bed at night."

[jebarker]

After reading lots of biographical material on Feynman it seems like he was a very loving father and husband (especially to his first wife) but obviously devoted to physics. I would imagine it's very difficult to find the balance between his kind of career and family such that the family feels they get sufficient attention.

[throwaway2037]

    > "He begins working calculus problems in his head as soon as he awakens. He did calculus while driving in his car, while sitting in the living room, and while lying in bed at night."

God, I love this quote. It describes me to a T in my 20s (except replace "calculus" with "programming"). Everyone that I dated complained similarly. I used to drag that Bjarne Stroustrup tome "The C++ Programming Language" everywhere I went. I couldn't get enough of that C++ bible at the time. His writing style really helped to open my mind to become a better programmer.

[tdullien]

Iirc at the time there was still "at fault divorce", and the divorce settlement was influenced by who was at fault. So a (likely overly charitable reading) of the entire thing is that Feynman agreed to be portrayed in a bad light to achieve a fairer Deal for his soon to be ex wife.

[swyx]

> It has taken me nearly 10 years to build a network of friends who can give me comparable levels of socialization and attention;

building close friends as an adult is a known Hard Problem when everyone has their own lives. any big insights or breakthroughs you can share for the rest of us?

[elteto]

Prioritize for empathy as a quality you look for in people. I find that empathic people tend to be very, very good friends.

And lots of flexibility and forgiveness (for small things).

[m_st]

I second this. My best friends are still the childhood friends. Every time I'm getting closer with someone new it fails sooner or later because of other duties we already have in life.

[space_oddity]

Balancing personal responsibilities and finding time for meaningful connections is hard for me. That's why I have so little friends...

[sharadov]

I am so happy that you were able to build that emotional connection. My dad is terminally ill and often I think about what I will miss most when he is no more. And I realized it would be the depth of emotional connection - a person who knows you in and out and unconditionally loves you.

I try to steel myself about the coming eventuality, but all I know is it's going to be a deep abyss and it will take everything to climb out of it.

[buck746]

I lost my mom to cancer when I was 17. She fought with it for 6.5 years prior. Even knowing it was coming it was devastating. 24 years later I still miss her, I'm sure I always will. It hurts knowing that I'm now older than she was when she passed.

When it happened it was the worst emotional pain I had experienced, it does get better in time. Your feelings are valid. You don't have to feel whatever anyone else thinks you should feel. It feels cliche that it gets better in time, in my experience tho it does. I'm sorry your dad and family is going thru that. Oddly I found Cyberpunk 2077 to be therapeutic on coming to terms with that situation. In the game you play a character who essentially has a terminal disease, there are a lot of moments in the game that rang very true to the emotions I experienced.

When your dad eventually departs, you are allowed to feel anything. I have been the type to laugh at a funeral remembering something funny the departed said or did. If you feel like crying that's ok too.

[marttt]

I lost my dad 14 years ago. I hope you get to have as much of the remaining time together as possible.

What's odd is that I still don't feel the need to look at photos of him. Like, no need whatsoever. I don't have a photo of my late dad on the wall, even though we had a truly excellent father-son relationship with a lot of warmth. The true memory of him resides in my head; and what's more, I notice myself replicating his exact body language at times. Explicitly realizing this always feels funny, almost like I want to express gratitude to him for "inheriting" those movements to me :). I think the bonds still hold strong, and they forever will, but, oddly, there's no need whatsoever to visualize it with a photo. It's simply much deeper than that.

On another side, I often miss the ability to ask my dad "factual", practical questions. E.g. -- because he was a construction engineer -- how to do some specific thing in grandpa's house renovations; how to position a beam, etc. During the first months after his death, this was a common recurring thought: I'm stuck while building something, but "hey, I'll just ask dad tomorrow how to do it right; yeah, I'll just call him" -- following by "oh, I forgot I can't". After this, there was always an interesting feeling of emptiness or standstill -- not sadness, just a really deep understanding that, no matter what, life moves on. And I still get to live mine. I actually came to enjoy those moments of emptiness.

Thanks for sharing your story, it is very moving. Grief will have different stages; to me, it has mostly been really deep introspection. Take it easy, mate.

[space_oddity]

Everything will be fine. Wishing you great strength!

[throwaway64643]

I always felt a sense of betrayal when someone sought a new partner after their spouse dies. But when I read a passage by Freeman Dyson about Feynman's trip to Santa Fe to meet his new girlfriend, my view has significantly shifted. Dyson (or perhaps someone else; I don't recall exactly) spoke of Feynman as someone who cannot stay out of a romantic relationship for too long. Some men just always want to love and be loved.

[criddell]

If you die before your partner, do you want them to remain single the rest of their lives?

If that were to happen to me, I definitely want my wife to love and be loved again.

[Spooky23]

I lost my wife to cancer after a brief struggle a year ago.

Everyone is different, and you don’t know what or how you’ll feel unless it happens to you.

For example, at a point, I felt guilty for not being sad. My son and I went to the beach and had a great time. I felt an intense guilt afterwards. But I focused on fitness and other things and tried to make each day better. Time and positive work heals.

In terms of love, etc, the heart has room. Some people are ready before the body is cold, others take years to contemplate a relationship. All i can offer is that as someone who has walked a mile in these shoes, I’d never cast a negative judgement on widower/widow behavior that isn’t plainly reckless.

[tasuki]

> I always felt a sense of betrayal when someone sought a new partner after their spouse dies.

Why?

[card_zero]

Nice to know that mere friendship (in heavy doses) can do the same job. I thought this should be possible, but was worried it might not be.

[01HNNWZ0MV43FF]

It might depend on the person. I want in-person friendships and 24 people sounds like more than I could reasonably give attention to. And I want non-platonic things

[lisper]

IMHO, it's not promiscuity that is morally questionable, its promiscuity without the informed consent of all parties involved. Feynman had affairs with married women (presumably without their husbands' knowledge or consent) and students, over whom he held power and whose consent (assuming they did consent) cannot have been free from coercion. (He also flat-out lied to women to get them to sleep with him, which is also not OK.)

I think it's important to distinguish these situations because I think there are a lot of people going through a lot of emotional pain because they believe that any sex outside of a long-term monogamous relationship is morally questionable, and it's not. The challenge is that insuring that all parties have given informed consent is hard, but the emotional toll of throwing in the towel on this can be pretty high, so I think it can be an effort worth making. Certainly it's worthwhile telling people that it's OK to try.

[throwaway2037]

    > I have about two dozen very close friends (both male and female)

That is incredible. I never have more than two at the same time! My social network is normally tiny.

[emptiestplace]

Two dozen very close friends? That seems both obscene and absurd - I'd love to hear more.

[cyberlurker]

I mean this seriously. Why not both? I don’t see the problem with having multiple types of relationships with people, including sex. As long as everyone is on the same page (consensual, they know it’s casual, etc.)

Sorry for your loss and glad you’re doing better.

[mycologos]

I don't think strenholme is saying that those casual relationships are morally wrong, but that they're only facsimiles of the connection found in a deep and long relationship (especially one formed when young), and that pursuing facsimiles maybe brings you close enough to the original that you keep pursuing, but not close enough to ever approximate the original, and if what you miss is the original, then this is not a path to satisfaction.

[WarOnPrivacy]

> Why not both? I don’t see the problem with having multiple types of relationships with people, including sex.

May I suggest retiring to The Villages in FL? They seem to have the multiple partners thing worked out.

https://duckduckgo.com/?hps=1&q=the+villages+florida+sex&ia=...