[tempnow987]

One key is these daughters from California have never actually tried to care for someone long term who is incompetent.

If required to do so, they'd be the first in line demanding an end to "suffering".

I've always thought authority and responsibility should go together. Parachute in claiming authority? Great - it's also now your responsibility. I'm serious about this. Discharge the elderly in their care with a care plan. Charter a flight or medical transport to get them to their house if need be.

The one challenge, folks getting older ALWAYS ACT TOO SLOWLY in getting things sorted - from grab bars and bathroom remodels to care teams and more. The time to find a nurse you like is NOT after hospital discharge when you can't shower yourself. Seriously - move closer to your kids, fix up your house, get some help to come by to help clean and check in on you - because with almost total certainty you will need MORE of this not less as you age.

[qgin]

It never occurred to me that I had any sway in my mom’s medical treatment until recently after about 3 years of pretty serious caregiving. It was only after things started getting so complex that stuff was starting to not work that I realized that even in that department I was now the responsible adult who needed to drive appointments, bring up things that needed to be addressed, and kind of have a vision for what “good enough” could look like.

[tempnow987]

One bit of advice - see if you can make sure you get respite care ie, mom stays for a week at an assisted living facility / nursing facility or even better go through a few in-home care folks who could help out and find one you like.

An issue is caregivers burning out. It's work that normally grows, so even if you don't think you need it, having the paperwork done for assisted / nursing so if needed Mom can spend a week there or having a relationship with in-home care so you can take a few days if needed can really make a big difference.

Also, if you get sick, there's a safety net for mom.