[citruscomputing]

Off-the cuff response, not heavily edited:

My parents have one child that doesn't talk to them (myself) and as soon as my siblings are financially independent it'll be all three. I see echoes of what my parents did in what you're saying... unsure if my perception is accurate or not. A couple years ago my parents asked me, quite frankly, "what did we do wrong, why does your sister talk to you about all this stuff and not us, how can we support her like you're doing - because what we're trying doesn't work." They didn't take my advice, but maybe you will.

Your child is an adult. I know they don't seem like one; the 19 year olds I know certainly don't. But they are, and you _have_ to treat them like one. In my experience, people rise or fall to the level of your expectations. This means you ask how they're doing, you listen, and you _don't_ try and fix the problems right away. You really have to listen, I can't overstate this. You may offer advice or help, but never force it. Better yet, ask what they need instead of guessing, and then LISTEN. If they say "get off my back," then do it (ask "what does that look like, concretely?"). Build the trust that you'll be there in the ways they want. When they say "xyz is really rough", say "I went through some similar things, would you like to hear about that?" and not "let's sit down and make a plan to fix this, it's going to heavily impact your future." They have their own goals now. They will make mistakes. Please try and see yourself as a mentor, or even a peer, rather than just a parent.

My parents were overly involved in ways that made school so much more stressful than it needed to be. Participating in every parent group, tracking my location at all times, getting on me about grades constantly. It didn't help me build the skills I needed to, and I dropped out of college (a top 10 university!) after the first year. That's so much worse than getting a 3.0. What's gotten me to the level of achievement I have in my career is _not_ the stuff they really hammered in was important, but the messing around in my own time on stuff I was passionate about, and the connections I made entirely online.

I cannot speak much to the emotional work you will have to do. It is extremely difficult seeing someone you love going down a path you think is bad for them, and worse when you feel there is nothing you can really do without making it worse. I went through this recently with a partner struggling with addiction. I think the most important takeaway I have is that you can't make it about yourself and your desire to help, not to them at least. It's about nonjudgemental presence, support in the ways they say they need (and not the ways _you_ want to feel supportive), and offering options they might not have thought of - but only occasionally.