[ljhsiung]

Hopefully this is not too tangential, but it's something that's been on my mind a bit recently.

When you had kids (or I guess anyone who is considering having kids), did you ever fear of "passing down" your trauma?

I feel that us tech workers, for all intents and purposes, have "made it," which might best position us in general to overcome and prevent a cycle of trauma to the next generation.

[pistoriusp]

Yes. The fear is real, and 100% more tangible when you're holding your child the first few times. Overcome with love, joy and sadness because you cannot comprehend how anyone could treat someone that they love so deeply in a bad way.

I don't think "made it" is the differentiator here. It's more about emotional maturity and acceptance that you're chiefly responsible for another human beings experience of the world: What you put in can set them up, or break them down.

That said, I created some rules for myself:

  1. Never lie to children. It's easy to make up a story to avoid an emotional outburst. People that lie cannot be trusted, trust is the cornerstone of a relationship, don't lie.
  2. Don't avoid emotions. Lean in. Feeling emotions is a human right. Let kids feel emotions. Be with them and make them feel safe. Through conversation try to dissect, explain and appreciate why they're feeling emotional.
  3. Hug them. Only let go when they let go.
  4. Say goodbye. Don't sneak out the house to avoid an emotional outburst. Not understanding where a parent went, or why you missed them leaving is traumatic. Say goodbye.
  5. Never pretend that you'll leave them. Kid is at playground and doesn't want to leave? Never faux walk away and pretend you're leaving without them. Fear is not a parenting strategy, it's abuse.

I'm sure my list will grow. My daughter is 2. I try to live with integrity, honesty and love. What I get out is pure unfettered joy.

[Xcelerate]

#1 is exceptionally powerful. My parents never lied to me or attempted to deceive me. They always emphasized telling the truth, no matter how painful the consequences might be.

I’ve seen other families that lie to each other about the most trivial of things and it ends up with them all constantly feeling gaslit and not trusting each other. How horrible it would be to not have that feeling of safety and security with your own parents.

[hoseja]

Is #5 really that bad? Kids can be real shitheads sometimes, but you have to be willing to really go through with it.

[uranium]

That's a great list; while not explicitly writing them out, we raise our kids by similar rules, and I think it's been a huge help. #1 is huge. We also explicitly answer any question they ask (barring privacy concerns). The answers vary based on how old they are, and what they're capable of understanding, but they can always ask for more detail if we guess wrong. It lets them know that there are no taboo subjects with us, and they can always come to us with their hard questions.

It did mean nuanced conversations about how not to ruin the "Santa Clause game" for other kids, etc.

[dennis_jeeves2]

Corollary to #1: never lie to adults who are close to you.

[__rito__]

Is there a more complete list by someone else?

[burnte]

> When you had kids (or I guess anyone who is considering having kids), did you ever fear of "passing down" your trauma?

No kids yet because of exactly what' you've said. I was not going to have kids until I could give them a better life, even if that means I never have them. We're actually trying now because I'm comfortable with my life and skills now.

[bravetraveler]

Not OP or a parent, but this is absolutely a fear of mine. I don't think I'd be actively bad for them, passively lacking in critical areas like emotional support.

Hell, I don't have the energy or social skills to get to that point. Either I or the other person move on, so I just optimize the process.