[digging]

Being only in my 30s but also affected by a lot of usually-age-related disability has been a big struggle for me as a programmer. I don't know how typical it actually is, but I guess I skipped the "work way too hard because your body can handle it" phase that appears to build reputation and wealth early in a career. Probably it would have been different if I'd grown up more physically active; I basically hate most sports and other ways of staying healthy and didn't learn their value until it started getting in the way of the things I do love.

Regardless, it's a massive toll on my mental health. Although frequently assured otherwise, I constantly feel like a burden on my team, like I'm unreliable, for being unable to put in the same hours my older coworkers do. As difficult as it is to start now, focusing on developing my physical health is the only way forward.