[daniel_j]

At least for some of us, this isn't by choice. I have no interest in clubs, bars or drinking - in a new city. How am I to meet people? I keep getting told go to clubs and meetups. I found one boardgame club and went to it, it wasn't for me. Now what? I can't find a club of programmers or Linux users that meet more than once in a blue moon.

If you're in Melbourne and are actually into Linux/programming I'd love to hear from you. I'm tired of being 'nerdy' meaning playing DnD or video games, I want to mix with people interested in something beyond surface level.

If you can sense a hint of frustration in my typing you'd be correct

[forgotoldacc]

To be fair, saying you're interested in Linux and programming is also very surface level. It's like saying you like art.

But what kind of art? There are some great slam poetry events. What about interpretive dance? What about tea ceremonies? What about abstract monotone painting done with watercolors? What about painting Warhammer miniatures?

It's a massive field. So is programming. It's possible to meet with a person who also loves programming, but if you like working on networking backends and the other person really just loves writing shaders, programming alone is hard to find a common ground. It's like a person who loves slam poetry talking about their hobby with someone who's only interested in Warhammer. When they find a common topic to talk about, it'll probably be anything but slam poetry and Warhammer. It'll be a different hobby, like surfing or making homebrew beers.

What I'm saying is, expand your interests. Try some things you've never even imagined being interested in before. You'll be surprised what you enjoy.

[daniel_j]

well obviously here I didn't go into specifics because this isn't my blog post or bio section.

I've tried board games and table tennis groups, it's at least something. I just found no interest there. I understand your point, for me it isn't easy to show up to something without a real interest or knowing someone. There's more to it than just deciding to go. I have to somehow get out of the door and show up, I'm not a very social person.

Contradictory I know. Until a year ago I was happy alone and never had a friend in teenage+ life, but finding someone I actually liked taught me people can be good.

[thefz]

My experience: I can name 3-4 people I know outside work that at least know Linux. Every other acquaintance I regularly associate with has been met either mountain biking or running.

I would never expect them to discuss alsa or systemd, and that is a blessing IMO. Gives me space to think about other things.

My best advice is to find some other activity that you love doing and start from there.

[pabs3]

There are several LUGs in Melbourne/Victoria, LUV has no events planned this year yet, but MLUG has one very soon:

https://www.luv.asn.au/ https://mlug-au.org/ https://linux.org.au/lugs/

The Linux Australia conference (happening right now, in Adelaide this year) will often have local folks at it:

https://linux.org.au/ https://everythingopen.au/

[daniel_j]

I've seen the LUG group in Melbourne before but I put it under the category of meeting once in a blue moon. I want to find people _now_ that I can socialise with, not hope in 3 months I find someone at an event

[esperent]

For me, the best way to meet people is exercise. I don't enjoy competitive sports, but there's plenty of non competitive sports and exercise out there, e.g. climbing, yoga, workout classes, hiking, cycling running, martial arts, dance etc.

You might say you have no interest in these, to which my response is: stop complaining and damn well develop an interest! Your body needs to be taken care of, and if you ignore that you might get through your 20s and 30s, but past that you're gonna start having serious health issues. So you can both improve your future and develop a social life.

Rather than just finding people in your narrow interest groups - Linux, coding, whatever - you'll meet people from all different walks of life. Some hyper focused on exercise, but mostly just normal people with a healthy outlook on taking care of their bodies.

[johnnyanmac]

I'm sure it's YMMV but I haven't met a friend through exercise since college. And I've done cycling classes, hikes, and some sports. Dynamic just feels so different with adults who want to be "around" people but not necessarily form new connections.

[joshlemer]

Take up an interest you can do socially and really dive deep into. For me, I easily made friendships with people after taking up viola and joining an amateur adult beginner orchestra. For you it might be rock climbing, or guitar, or maybe you could join a local crochet group if you’re into that.

I love programming too, and used to go to meetups before covid, but I think the music crowd for me has been easier to turn into a social thing.

[tomohelix]

I mean, this is like telling an obese person to just exercise and lose weight. Fact is, while it is that simple to those who are already doing it, to them, it is not that simple. The activation energy to the hobby can be immense and may require the person to change their entire lifestyle to accommodate it. For example, an obese person who suddenly exercise may come to work the next day worn out and less productive. They will also feel hungry and more irritated since they are not yet used to it and this can affect their social interactions. Eating becomes difficult and less enjoyable as they have to watch their calories intake and food type. Sleeping is harder with the hunger, etc.

I can fast almost everyday and I feel nothing even if I skip breakfast and lunch for the whole week. But I came to know many healthy people who hate to do the same to the point they can't do it even if they want to. Extrapolate, I understand what is easy and feel low effort for one person is not the same to someone else who is accustomed to the exact opposite. It takes more than just stating the obvious to help them.

[2muchcoffeeman]

You stopped at one meetup? What are your interests beyond Linux and programming?

[daniel_j]

I stopped at one because I can't find anything else I'm remotely interested in. I don't particularly have interests beyond Linux and programming. I know that's limiting, but it is what it is

[llm_trw]

Two years of lock downs killed most of civic society. It used to be that there were several interesting meetups every day. Now you'd be lucky to find one once a month.

[em-bee]

you say not being able to meet people is not by choice because there are so few people that have similar interests. as others have pointed out, your interests may be to limited but the point i am trying to make here is that limiting your interests is your choice.

i can feel your plight. i too struggle to connect with people if they don't share my interests. but i learned to try to approach finding friends like finding a partner. i know that it is very unlikely that i'll find a partner that shares my interests, so i have to branch out and look for other things that may be interesting too.

you already looked into video games and DnD. but keep looking.

one thing that is important is to not give up to quickly. you will not connect to everyone right away.

what was wrong with the board game club, for example? the wrong people? the wrong games? try going there a few times, see if the games and the people change. but most importantly, be patient and stick through the awkwardness of joining a group where everyone already knows each other and you are meeting them for the first time.

re video games and DnD, you may be tired of it, but if you are new to a city, it may be the way to get to know some people and learn about other activities of interest. move around, try different things. sometimes it is serendipity. i visited a friend in one city, but then i became friends with the landlord that i rented from, and a whole new world opened up that my initial friend wasn't connected to at all. keep your eyes open.

[johnnyanmac]

>but i learned to try to approach finding friends like finding a partner.

Swipe right on 1000 friends and hope months later someone responds back? Only to get a "hi" and then when you reply you get blocked?

It can feel that way sometimes yea.

>what was wrong with the board game club, for example?

I just don't like board games. I even was working at a startup making a custom campaign, so I had to play test plenty of that as we as compare with some other kinds of games. Boss was clearly a very passionate DM, but I just never truly "clicked" into that role playing myself.

So I've tried and just accepted board games aren't for me.

>re video games and DnD, you may be tired of it, but if you are new to a city, it may be the way to get to know some people and learn about other activities of interest.

I'm shocked how little game meetups there are in my city. Seemed like there wee a decent amount pre-pandemic, but they got utterly wiped out when the world re-opened. I only see a semi-consistent one and it's monthly.

[technion]

I don't really count as young any more but I'm in Sydney with the same view. I've tried various meetups a few times over the years and no matter how they were described all i got was cornered by sales people. I don't tend to agree with the way such groups are described.

[cafard]

Are there volunteer activities that you could take part in?

Are there (natural) languages you'd be interested in learning?

Are there sports that you enjoy? I know of a group in my city (Washington, DC) that meets for Saturday morning runs, and based on the couple of times I've seen them, I'd say that there is a pretty broad range of speed and endurance among them. A local running goods company has "social runs" (at what I consider more social hours) starting from its locations. I'd be surprised to hear that Melbourne does have something comparable. And there are softball leagues and kickball leagues.

[M95D]

Did you try https://meet.hn/city/-37.8142454,144.9631732/Melbourne ?

[em-bee]

thinking about this some more, i remembered one experience when i was traveling in new zealand. i looked up all the lug mailing lists in every major city and told them i was coming for a visit and that i'd like to meet some people, and even offered to give a talk about one of the things i had experience with.

the result was that in every city i went to i got a few people to hang out for an evening and in some locations i gave a talk. i remember in at least one location i was told that my visit motivated the online group to get together physically again, which they hadn't done for some time.

so maybe you can look for the online groups, get active in those and then offer yourself to host a meeting or two. scout locations, but keep it simple, to the extent that you are comfortable with. making a reservation at some restaurant may be all it takes to get started.

in beijing we had an active group but at one point we didn't have a suitable location, so we made an activity out of it. a few of the more motivated people would meet weekly in a different area of the city and actually walk the street to scout for a location. when we found a place we'd go in and test it, and if it was ok, we would hold the next meeting there.

the important part is that because the goal was to test locations, there was no expectations that i as a host had to find and check the location before hand, nor that the locations we tested would be good.

another thing was that the people who came with me to scout for locations were the ones who cared most about the group. and they were the ones who took over leading the group after i left. the group is still going. survived through covid.

in other words, if there is no offline meeting yet (or not anymore), maybe you can try starting one.

[willvarfar]

this only works if you actually end up enjoying the activity, but everything from arts classes to beginners rock climbing clubs or a running club can work.

For me I joined a silly learn-self-defence club when I first moved to the big city and I can't now remember any moves but I have fond memories of some of the people.

There are no promises of budding or lasting friendships forming, but its always worth a shot and you might actually find something that sticks.

[magicalhippo]

I found a local makerspace. The makerspace has a weekly "build day" which attracts a lot of varied folks doing fun projects, including a lot of software-heavy things.

I also found some hiking and cycling groups. Lots of time to socialize while you're walking or cycling.

[johnnyanmac]

Yeah, it's tough meeting people in general these days. Meetups are nice but no one addresses that they tend to be monthly more often or not. How easy is it for you to form meaningful connections with monthly appearances?

If you're young enough to pull it off (20's) I'd recommend local college clubs. Your audience will be a bit (or much) younger, but you will meet likeminded people to talk with. including whatever professor is hosting and supervising the group. They usually aren't too fussed about you being a non-student as long as you're participating in the activities.