[thrwaway223]

Well for me, half of 0 is still 0 and I'm not even 30 yet.

> My long term partner loves me conditionally (and don’t let anyone fool you into thinking that this is abnormal).

I haven't told anyone but a therapist the abuse I've been facing from a partner because it would break my parents heart. I've been back-stabbed now 3 times from different people I was closest with relationship or friendship-wise over the past decade (because you're right it's conditional).

I honestly don't see how informing friends and family around me that I've been physically attacked many times, forced to wipe all evidence, hunted down, de-escalated 20 bloodcurdling screaming panic attack episodes, stop 2 of their suicide attempts, lied to at every turn, was cheated on, and then abandoned (BPD & drug abuse). I should make the people around me share in how awful I feel? That won't resolve anything, just like the therapist that can't change it.

[swatcoder]

FWIW, much value in talking about intense and traumatic experiences is in discovering that you're not alone in general, and often not even alone among your peers. Life can indeed go pretty smoothly for some people, at least for long stretches of time, but many more people than you might realize have experienced the kinds of things you describe.

Being open about it helps each of you spot the other amidst the crowd, provide a sense of community and comraderie that it sounds like you might be lacking. Not only do you both (et al) get helped by it, the experience of helping them can often provide yet another inspiration for feeling less burdened and alone.

Maybe look up some intimate group talk opportunities. These could be informal men's groups, therapy- or church- mediated groups, or 12-step groups (like maybe CODA, in your case). These are almost always private opportunities to achieve what I mention above, where nobody outside the group is going to hear a whiff of what you share, and many of them are free or reasonably priced. And they're lurking all over the place. If you're feeling as defeated and hopeless as you sound, it could make a difference.

[zelphirkalt]

For many people telling the stories is a form of processing them, or processing their experiences in different ways than they have before.