[_huayra_]

This advice is thorough, but as the author admits a bit autistic. It approaches a relationship as a specific highly-fixated goal that requires reps / practice.

In general, I think any guy trying to do this is not going to find what they want.

I can only give my own (likely more applicable) advice to other straight men on here (which I suspect is a very high % of the users), but I would ignore much of this advice and do the following:

* Live your own life to the fullest. Don't even worry about dating / the apps. Just do activities you love and develop a passion (or more than one!). The apps are basically designed to mess with your psychology and the yield of your time spent on them is very low unless you are extremely attractive (not me lol!). Start rock climbing and go to a bunch of meetups for it, meet new people, and be the one who asks people (men and women) to meet up for climbing. Copy-paste this onto whatever activity you want (I've done it with skiing, climbing, mountain biking, and sailing). You will eventually meet a partner through these group activities and you won't waste any time trying to "date", and often you'll be able to vet your partner in a less intense "setting" than a date. For example, you can talk about what money "means" to each of you while walking to the crag and realize that although she might be attractive, you'll probably just fight about money all the time.

* As part of a full life, maintain your friendships. You need to be able to lean on your friendships to fulfill specific needs that your partner shouldn't need to or be able to do. I talk about code with my coding friends, not a girlfriend. I nerd out about sailing with my crewmates, not a girlfriend. I talk about espresso with a bunch of deep-pocketed coffee nerds on discord, not a girlfriend. Think of spending time with friends in the same way you do the gym: it might be tough to fit in on any single "session", but if you stop doing it after a while, you'll find yourself really behind the 8 ball. If you think you can't afford the time, I can almost assure you that the time spent in the company of friends will so vastly reduce your mental rumination / anxiety / depression you fight when you spend so much time alone that the "friend time" will more than "pay" for itself.

* Know what you want, and communicate it clearly. If you're looking for something low-key, be clear to your partner. If you are angling to get serious and move in faster, be clear about that. Most of the friction in relationships comes from when each individual is on different pages about the trajectory of where they want things to go.

* Talk about money. I see so many couples don't do this and perpetually fight over things that come down to "what does money mean to you?". For example, if your partner gets a tax refund and thinks "oh boy! let me buy a new computer" while you think "give me my interest-free loan back, US government, so I can shove this into an index fund and have greater financial security to tell my employer to kick rocks if things get too terrible", you're gonna have problems reconciling that unless you're very explicit.

* Table stakes are similar to the article though: stay fit, eat well, avoid mental numbing mechanism and substance abuse

[astrange]

> Live your own life to the fullest. Don't even worry about dating / the apps.

This doesn't work. I mean, it seems to work for you because you travel a lot or live somewhere where a lot of outdoor hobbies are possible.

For nerdy men, if you're not careful about hobbies you're going to pick some where you will literally never meet a woman into it, or else only strange or highly autistic ones who aren't good for you, and this isn't always obvious ahead of time.

I don't mean anything stereotypical about this either. Like "women aren't into video games or anime" isn't true, but they're not into it the way you might be into it. (In my experience they're healthier about it and like creating/producing things themselves, whereas men like complaining about them online. But this part is a bit stereotypical.)

You do need to know what women who are your type are into, and you need to genuinely be that kind of person or at least be able to appreciate it.

[_huayra_]

You've definitely called me out: I currently live in an area where I can do a bunch of different hobbies year round for the most part, and happen to enjoy them.

I totally agree that if one goes all in for their D&D hobby, meeting women directly is not likely, but it's totally possible to connect to other people via that hobby (e.g. to the dungeon master's single female friend, etc).

I guess the point I was trying to make is don't singular focus on "finding a girlfriend" and then contort oneself into doing things they don't find enjoyable for extended periods (e.g. cooking classes, volunteering with pets, salsa dancing. Those are great hobbies, but too often my awkward male friends begrudgingly do those even though they hate them because they think "that's where the women are").

[Nav_Panel]

Agreed -- the thing that frustrated me in the post is the idea that not going through a hookup phase before finding a serious partner is "like running a marathon without doing any training", as though the skills involved in sustaining a relationship were the same skills involved in hookups, as opposed to an amplification of regular friendship skills.

Abundance mindset doesn't need to come from a sense of mastery over a game sold to you by a corporate product. IMO it's better to have abundance from a rich life filled with solid friendships that let you feel supported in taking risks, which may involve getting hurt, grieving, pulling yourself together, and trying again.

[windsignaling]

> Don't even worry about dating / the apps.

Quite frankly this is the worst advice. As other commenters have noted if you tend to enjoy solo activities or activities that don't naturally involve the types of women you'd like to date, then it's not going to lead to you meeting anyone.

> You will eventually meet a partner through these group activities

Ah, the hope and pray method. Doesn't work. And when you do meet a girl you actually like, how do you figure you'll have the social skills to carry yourself through the dating process and developing a relationship? It's just natural? No, it's not.

This also doesn't work if you want to date an abundance of women and it doesn't allow you to meet women when you choose. Ever see a cute girl at the grocery store or at a coffee shop and you wanted to ask her out but you didn't know what to say? No amount of skiing and mountain climbing is going to fix that.

> but as the author admits a bit autistic

I don't know why (well, I can guess) it's such a turn-off for people to approach dating systematically. We don't criticize people for practicing math or coding, yet when it comes to social skills, if you're doing anything other than "just being yourself", it's somehow "wrong".