[valunord]

This will evoke mixed feelings, but having been involved in child development for a very long time, I can say that in some cases it is acceptable to carefully and very thoughtfully "spank" your child. Spanking should never be performed out of frustration or anger on your part. There should also always be a delay (at least a short one) between the incident and the spanking so as to allow some processing both for you and your child and to decide if it is right and then for them to internalize the punishment that is about to come. Additionally, spanking, in my opinion and experience, should only be performed when your child had injured someone since injury is something that they cannot restore or pay back. No matter the age, they must be made to understand the reason for such an action of spanking in connection with their action. I would caution, again, that spanking should only be utilized when there is no other restitution possible such as when they are harming another individual. I do not know of any states that directly outlaw such an action by parents, but if there are such laws, obey your laws.

Having said this, I would also tell you that you MUST only spank after you have:

0. Make sure your child knows here is this consequence if they injure someone. Let them know there is a consequence! Do not let them think that arbitrary punishments or retribution occurs. This will do more harm than good if you do not set the expectations. It's not entirely possible to always do this the first time or with very, very small children (such as a two year old that has a biting problem as an example and which is very damaging behavior).

1. Explained what is about to happen carefully and fully.

2. Only spank once or a couple of times in a very controlled and sterile manner. Do NOT get emotionally involved in the spanking except to feel bad that you are doing it. DO NOT SPANK IF YOU ARE ANGRY. DON'T DO IT. NEVER.

3. After the spanking show your child MORE love and care. Give them high levels of tenderness and show them that it hurt you to execute this punishment. If you can cry with them, CRY WITH THEM. This is very important to show forth more love after the punishment and by doing this you will actually improve your bond with your child and allow them to know that you harbor no ill will against them.

4. Remind them in the future about the consequences that will occur if they choose to harm someone else as they have done.

5. Always show your child love and always let them know you suffer when they suffer now and always. Learn empathy and if you cannot have it, then show sympathy and love them anyway even if you cannot feel such things yourself.

[toomuchtodo]

I could not disagree with this more. One of my children has sensory issues, is on the spectrum, and has problems controlling their emotions, and we’ve been able to help them without any physical harm learn to manage their feelings when they anger quickly or have the urge to be violent with another child (including their older sibling).

I don’t think spanking is ever warranted, and I’m shocked someone would recommend it.

> Research has long underscored the negative effects of spanking on children’s social-emotional development, self-regulation, and cognitive development, but new research, published this month, shows that spanking alters children’s brain response in ways similar to severe maltreatment and increases perception of threats.

> “The findings are one of the last pieces of evidence to make sense of the research of the last 50 years on spanking,” says researcher Jorge Cuartas, a Ph.D. candidate at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, who coauthored the study with Katie McLaughlin, professor at the Department of Psychology at Harvard University. “We know that spanking is not effective and can be harmful for children’s development and increases the chance of mental health issues. With these new findings, we also know it can have potential impact on brain development, changing biology, and leading to lasting consequences.”

> Perhaps surprisingly, says Cuartas, spanking elicits a similar response in children’s brains to more threatening experiences like sexual abuse. “You see the same reactions in the brain,” Cuartas explains. “Those consequences potentially affect the brain in areas often engaged in emotional regulation and threat detection, so that children can respond quickly to threats in the environment.”

https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/21/04/eff...

https://srcd.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/cdev.13...

[valunord]

I must say that I do not think you read my remarks to have the visceral and unwarranted response that you did. There was nothing in my remarks that recommends spanking in a negative manner.

Being on the spectrum myself and having worked with many in these situations and with this, I will tell you that my personal experience says otherwise. Believe what you will, and I will believe what I will. I can assure you that wonderful and salutary results come through helping children to learn not to harm other people in proper and healthy ways.

[taurath]

As someone who was a child with autism whose parents followed these guidelines, fuck you. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

It wasn’t just the hitting. It was the threat of being hit for anything. It was the contradictory internal rules I had to come up with to try to avoid being hit. It’s the internalization that I was bad that I carried for decades of my life. It’s when it slipped, and they started using it because it was the only thing that worked, because they didn’t know how to handle their own emotions let along a child’s. Don’t recommend parents hit their kids. Don’t make it okay. Full stop. You don’t know who the parents are.

Kids don’t know that you only use hitting in certain circumstances, even if you tell them.

[OccamsMirror]

How anyone can think that the best way to teach children not to hit is to hit them is wild.

[Quinzel]

Only people who have a strong desire to control others but a weak resolve on how to effectively do that exercise their control with fear and violence directed towards children.

Trying to teach a child that hitting people isn’t OK by hitting them is actually one of the most absurd things I’ve ever heard.

What are you teaching them? You can’t hit people, but I can… because why? Your bigger, or older?

If your only tool is fear, you got nothing once that kid stops fearing you. Good luck with that.