[inezk]

Great insights. In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way - but I think it's still an opener that can lead to more meaningful conversation. In Poland for instance, where I'm from, people don't ask "how are you?" one another - which slightly limits that opportunity. At the same time Europe as a whole has so much better work life balance which allows for many more outside work friends and family connections and spending time together.

[al_borland]

I’m from the US. “How are you,” is indeed a very shallow question that expects a very shallow and prescriptive response. I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.” Experiences like this make me more hesitant to answer honestly.

The better you know someone, the more this rule starts to bend, but that doesn’t help with establishing new connections.

Even with people who are close, there is some expectation to keep things pleasant and not unload bad news on them, or seem like you’re bragging about good stuff, when asked how you are. This is why you’ll often see movies where someone asks, “how are you,” and then after the generic answer they follow it up with, “how are you really?”

In other situations, especially with good stuff, people feel like they need to be invited to talk about something exciting in their life. If they have something fun planned for the weekend or did something fun last weekend, they’ll ask someone else what they did, hoping to get that same question back, so they can have an excuse to talk about what they did. No one ever really told me this and it took me longer than I’d like to admit to figure it out.

[grep_name]

I've lived my whole life in the southeastern US, and the comments online about this always make me feel like an alien. Everyone here always seems to imply that it's meaningless because "You have to say 'good', and if you don't say that people get upset," but I've just never once had that experience.

I almost never say 'good' in response to that question, even to a coworker I don't know well. In my friend groups, usually people will be straightforward about how they're doing as well. Maybe people don't know how to say 'bad' without following up with a story? It's easy once you start doing it. "Not great, but it's fine" or "I'm just keeping along / taking it day by day" is a fairly common response to get from me, especially lately, and it's always honest. Sometimes I will just say "TBH this week completely sucks for me" before continuing with what the conversation was about originally. If things are going well I will be effusive in my (still short) response ("I'm doing awesome actually"). And I do care about how the other person is doing when they respond. I've even gone so far as to ask, after finding out about bad news later in the conversation, "Damn, why'd you say you were doing well?".

I find it to be a deeply useful way to start a conversation. If you ask how I'm doing and you don't know me well, and I say something to imply I'm not having a good day, it completely changes the way the conversation should be conducted. Same goes for the other person's response. You always start every conversation on the same page ('how impatient / stressed is the other person right now?' is one of the most important pieces of context you can have). Over time, I've even found that it has the benefit of making me reflect on a regular basis on how I feel in the moment vs how I'm actually doing on a longer-term scale.

[arcbyte]

> I’ve seen where people answer it honestly, and when they walk away the person asking says something to the effect of, “god, I didn’t need his whole life story.”

I've definitely experienced the same. However ive realized that invariably, the person answering honestly is wayyy happier in general than the person being critical. Learning to have the freedom to express yourself, invite connection, and let failed invitations go, is a superpower for a happy life.

[doublerabbit]

I tend to use "how are you today on a scale of 10?" as an ice breaker.

This then allows you to open the question, as well gives choice to the person.

"Six is good, why a six?", "anything wrong, why a four? Et cetera

[AnimalMuppet]

When someone says "How are you", I sometimes say "Crummy, but thanks for asking." I'm not oversharing, but I'm also not giving them a shallow, dishonest reply. I'm leaving the door open for a deeper conversation, but I'm not forcing it. Then it's up to them whether we just move on, or whether a real conversation happens.

[andrepd]

I wouldn't attach grand meanings to that. Most cultures in Europe do have a socially polite "how are you"/"ça va"/"tudo bem"/whatever to which you're expected to reply some variation of "I'm fine thank you" unless you are good friends and the question is meant sincerely.

[atoav]

I always thought there are better ways to open a conversation. The first thing you have in common with the other person is that you are at the same place during the same time as them. Depending on the context this can already provide you with much, much better ways of starting a conversation than just using a "how are you?" to which nobody expects an honest answer. But German is my first language and this culturual circle isn't exactly known for valuing meaningless smalltalk so take this with a grain of salt.

I have found that the key to successfully starting a conversation is (1) to be emphatically observant and wonder which questions are moving the other person in a given moment and (2) be open to take it any direction including shutting up without feeling any pressure.

[9rx]

> I always thought there are better ways to open a conversation.

Just like everyone else. "How are you?" isn't a conversation opener, it's an attention grabber; like "hey", "ahoy", "excuse me", or "hello". A device used to give the other party a moment to realize your presence and shift their focus towards you. If you try to go straight into conversation when the other person is off in their own world, nine times out of ten you're going to simply get back "Wait, what? Did you say something?"

[herval]

I worked in Germany for a while, and it was always hilarious when an American would ask a local "how are you?" then proceed to be bombarded about how they're having a headache or how their baby puked all over them yesterday. It's a question that's used almost as a "hello" in the US.

[balfirevic]

> In US people do ask one another "how are you?", perhaps in a shallow way

My understanding is that it is not even a question, the question mark at the end is just decoration. Even the shallow answer is not necessary, responding with something like, "Hi, good to see you" would be perfectly valid.

[idiotsecant]

'how are you' is not a genuine question, it's an opening salvo in an interaction ritual. You aren't supposed to actually answer it.

I hate it, it's absolutely useless and just occupies the first few seconds of an interaction for no reason.

[ishita159]

true, people are being polite mostly though.

[scarface_74]

That is honestly a shallow greeting that leads to a shallow response. I hang out at the bar downstairs from where I live to talk to the bartender who is a friend (we have hung out before), and whoever else comes by - mostly tourists. My go to question is “what keeps you busy”? It’s open ended and I can talk about almost anything enough to ask questions and keep them talking.