I very much agree with all of this but do you find your friends reciprocate? Also mid 30s, I keep in touch with a few friends but arguably only 1 or 2 consistently reach out on their own.
There were periods of time - sometimes years - where they didn't. And there were moments I thought I wouldn't be able to keep it going. But they were people I valued enough and had so much shared history with that I just kept trying, and over the years they came to value it more and reciprocated much more. Sometimes people just go through phases in their lives and they don't have the mental space for it. I'm lucky to have always had a lot of mental space and very little stress, which is why it's easier for me personally.
There were cases where the lack of reciprocation was their way of telling me they were done with the friendship, and so it ended. That happens. Happened to me about 5 times.
But there were a lot of others who were just bad at it or distracted and just needed time and needed me to be patient and not hold it against them, and who came back strongly later on.
There was one who I could tell would never change, who just didn't care and didn't know how to be a good friend, and in their case I slowly stopped reciprocating myself and replied less and less until eventually it was just dead by natural causes, me having accepted the loss of the person I wished they were.
And lastly there was one who was going through such a bad time that they kept pushing everyone away during that period, and in the end they overdosed and died. I wish I had done more, even though I tried actively - I could have tried even harder.
I think it just takes life experience to tell the different cases apart without the benefit of hindsight. Life experience and charitable assumptions.
IMO, this doesn't matter much. Ultimately, the only question that matters is "Do I get enough enjoyment/fulfillment spending time with this person to eclipse the work of organizing?" One of my best friends is a horrendous organizer. But when I invite him to things, I never have to ask twice. It's either an immediate "absolutely" or a "that day doesn't work for me, how about this day". And then it's a commitment. No flaking, no repeated rescheduling.
I used to be the one who reached out to everyone. Lack of reciprocity and a general frustration led me to stop keeping in touch with most everyone, which had the obvious outcome.
OTOH, when I see these people after years, it's like no time has passed.
OTOOH, in order to be friendly, I have to overcome my general annoyance with their lack of effort.
That's just how it is. Most people are socially passive. Better to just accept that you'll need to take responsibility for sustaining the connections you care about.
For me, It does bother me that some of my friendships I make most, or nearly all of the initiative, but I get so much from the friendship when we do talk / meet up, it's worth it for me to swallow my pride and ignore it. In 99% of cases they aren't deliberately ignoring you, they just got busy, etc.
The friends that make 0 effort however I cut out. You gotta give me something to work with...
windowshopping|6 months ago
There were cases where the lack of reciprocation was their way of telling me they were done with the friendship, and so it ended. That happens. Happened to me about 5 times.
But there were a lot of others who were just bad at it or distracted and just needed time and needed me to be patient and not hold it against them, and who came back strongly later on.
There was one who I could tell would never change, who just didn't care and didn't know how to be a good friend, and in their case I slowly stopped reciprocating myself and replied less and less until eventually it was just dead by natural causes, me having accepted the loss of the person I wished they were.
And lastly there was one who was going through such a bad time that they kept pushing everyone away during that period, and in the end they overdosed and died. I wish I had done more, even though I tried actively - I could have tried even harder.
I think it just takes life experience to tell the different cases apart without the benefit of hindsight. Life experience and charitable assumptions.
OkayPhysicist|6 months ago
jkmcf|6 months ago
OTOH, when I see these people after years, it's like no time has passed. OTOOH, in order to be friendly, I have to overcome my general annoyance with their lack of effort.
exolymph|6 months ago
skystarman|6 months ago
The friends that make 0 effort however I cut out. You gotta give me something to work with...