[yan_hui]

Your second paragraph says that you want a sense of purpose, direction, goals and desires.

I have done a lot of historical research into the search engine industry, and recently I decided to pursue something relating to it, and everything that I do now is colored by that goal.

The goal that I have in mind has very clear motivations behind it, and a point that I am fully behind. All the little things that I do in my daily life feel like they are building towards that point. It does feel good. From what you said, it sounds like you want something like this, to be aimed towards growth and life and knowledge. To be content and striving at the same time.

You say that you “have made it,” and you are correct. What exactly have you made though? In my vision you have made a sturdy stone block with a terracotta pot sitting on it. You have made the perfect mix of soil with just the right amount of gravel for good drainage. You have placed the pot in the right lighting conditions, you have formed the soil into a perfect little mound, and you have placed a seed in it. The last frost was a couple weeks ago and it is springtime.

You say that you “often think about starting from zero,” but the reality is that you currently are at zero. The life you have built so far is the terracotta pot and you are the seed. Your task is to grow, and the only difficulty now is finding out what direction the sun is in.

P.S. If you would like, I can fill you in on the obscure things that I have discovered about search engines, and what I am aiming for.