[ameixaseca]

I see the opposite: OP's post sounds like a cry for help, and paints a picture of someone that is not in a good place mentally.

anigbrowl might have been too direct and harsh (I would say the first paragraph of his comment could be worded differently), but he was very clear in the second paragraph about where to go from here.

If this is truly how OP thinks and this post is how they feel about everything that happened, I strongly recommend for OP to look for professional help (with emphasis on "professional").