[dmichulke]

Good point.

Tangentially, you could ask: Are you addicted to being useful or to being recognized as useful.

One is your own need, the other often a covered contract where you lash out or silently resign if you don't get the recognition that you think you deserve.

[amelius]

I'm surprised nobody asks whether you're at fault here, or she is.

Next time, maybe ask her to come up with solutions, e.g. do a brainstorm session.

If she then says she doesn't really want a solution, you can tell her then don't phrase your issues like that.

[krisoft]

> asks whether you're at fault here, or she is

Or maybe nobody is? Why does someone has to be “at fault”?

> you can tell her then don't phrase your issues like that.

Sometimes people just want to be heard. There is value in recognising that.

[y-curious]

There’s an old adage that is very important to logical people (as software engineers are, for example).

“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”

My wife wants to throw out our perfectly functional table to get a better looking one. Financially and practically, I am right in fighting this. Is a few hundred bucks worth making someone aesthetically-minded not feel satisfied? No, you have to pick your battles.

[lazide]

Pro tip - that usually just makes people angrier haha. (Source: twice divorced, and was - per the court - always right, but it didn’t help me one bit).

The challenge is, some people (most) get stuck on some emotional thing, and will drain you dry if you try to even engage with them on it. It’s especially prevalent right now.

[ChrisMarshallNY]

In my case, I really do want to be of use. In fact, I often tend to stay well in the background, and deliberately eschew credit.

That said, I do tend to get upset, when I’m taken for granted, but that’s really my own fault. I know it, rationally, but my inner brat still wants to throw a tantrum.

[pdimitar]

Well if none of the measures you already tried to stop that did not work, then maybe one thing that can help you is asking yourself whether you are not feeling drained after interacting with those people?

I, like yourself, cannot override my engineering mindset. I ALWAYS WANT TO HELP. But at one point I reframed it as an energy budget problem and how efficiently are my time and energy spent... and then it clicked.