[rossdavidh]

I have a wise, witty, charming and personable friend who is a complete hoarder. It was a big deal to be allowed into the house. But, after several years of attempting to help, I eventually had to realize that it wasn't the effort required to clean that was the issue. The issue is that she doesn't like the space that's left behind. If I could snap my fingers and make it all clean and tidy, it would not really help anything because it would be back to the old way in a month or so.

I once suggested bins and shelves to help keep it better organized and manageable, and her response (quite negative) was one of the clues that it wasn't the effort of cleaning up that was the issue, and therefore all the help in the world wouldn't make much of an impact. She doesn't like the space left behind after you clean, and feels the need to fill it up with whatever she can find.

Eventually, I had to just accept that this is how she was, and if I wanted to keep her as a friend I had to stop trying to change how she kept her house; if forced to choose between empty space in her house and keeping me as a friend, there was no way she was going to tolerate empty space in her house. Every bit must be filled. (sigh)

And yet, outside of her house, she's great. For example, she loves helping us clean our house.

[pjc50]

> I wanted to keep her as a friend I had to stop trying to change how she kept her house

This is a hard lesson for those of us who like to fix things: you basically can't change the behavior of adults, without a huge amount of work and/or their active cooperation.

[IAmBroom]

> you basically can't change the behavior of adults, without a huge amount of work and/or their active cooperation.

Odd statement, with the "/or" part. Changing the behavior of adults without their active cooperation is compulsion, not behavioral modification. I mean, we do it in prisons and boot camps, but that's not a solution here.