“Let people help” – Advice that made a big difference to a grieving widow

[jack_pp]

Rabbi Haim once ascended to the firmaments to see the difference between the worlds. He first visited Gehenna (Hell).

He saw a vast hall with long tables covered in the most magnificent foods. But the people sitting there were skeletal and wailing in agony. As the Rabbi looked closer, he saw that every person had wooden slats splinted to their arms, stretching from their shoulders to their wrists. Their arms were perfectly straight and stiff; they could pick up a spoon, but they could not bend their elbows to bring the food to their own mouths. They sat in front of a feast, starving in bitterness.

The Rabbi then visited Gan Eden (Heaven). To his surprise, he saw the exact same hall, the same tables, and the same magnificent food. Even more shocking, the people there also had wooden slats splinted to their arms, keeping them from bending their elbows. But here, the hall was filled with laughter and song. The people were well-fed and glowing. As the Rabbi watched, he saw a man fill his spoon and reach across the table, placing the food into the mouth of the man sitting opposite him. That man, in turn, filled his spoon and fed his friend.

The Rabbi returned to Hell and whispered to one of the starving men, "You do not have to starve! Reach across and feed your neighbor, and he will feed you." The man in Hell looked at him with spite and replied, "What? You expect me to feed that fool across from me? I would rather starve than give him the pleasure of a full belly!"

[treetalker]

The Judeo–Christian God really has a thing for attaching people to wood.

[PlatoIsADisease]

This is somewhat a variant of the cooperate situation in the prisoners dilemma.

I find it interesting to dress it up in religion, because the optimal situation is to defect, and if everyone knows the game, you get a worse outcome. Religion can cause people to be selfless and you get a better outcome for most people.

I've always thought to teach people religion, but defect yourself. In a modern secular world, teach everyone ascetic stoicism. Myself, follow some sort of Machiavellian/Nietzsche/hedonism.

[barbazoo]

Hell is only hell because of the people in it. I like the idea of being among likespirited people in the afterlife.

[CrimsonRain]

thank you for sharing

[testing22321]

I can’t help thinking this applies to universal healthcare in the US.

It would be cheaper and get better outcomes, but is still opposed because “working together is socialism”

Meta: downvotes to prove my point.

[euroderf]

When someone's spouse has died, a very helpful thing to do is to cook and package and deliver meals that the surviving spouse can simply place in the fridge and warm up as needed. When you are grieving, to actually prepare a meal is a terribly, terribly difficult thing to do.

[B1FIDO]

A really bad platitude can be "let me know if I can help, somehow!" and then leaving it at that.

Well, your friend/acquaintance may not know how you can best help. Yes, if it's a widower who lost a home-maker wife, he may need help fixing meals or cleaning house or doing laundry. Vice versa for a woman who's lost her husband.

But if you don't fill them in on how you can help and the things you are good at doing they will not know how or when to ask you. And then you will not end up helping.

Be concrete and specific when you offer help. You could make a list of three things to do. Then present your list as a menu of choices. Or "D", something different.

Be concrete about your boundaries and schedules. Don't let them get carried away with using your services. Tell them you can give them a ride once a week to essential errands, for example. It is sometimes most helpful if there are multiple people pitching in.

Really, long-term, if I were in need, I'd want to go to a professional agency for most things. A professional meal-prep service, housekeeping agency, home care agency that sends licensed and bonded pros. My volunteering friends and neighbors are well-intentioned, but this can be fraught with difficulty if they are not good, or not-so-well-intentioned after all.

Many people will swoop in to take advantage of people who are perceived to be vulnerable, grieving, and willing to accept help. That's why some of us are skeptical.

[embedding-shape]

The best thing I've found is to ask what they need help with, then do that thing for them. One time when we just brought food (by traditional and assumption, without thinking too hard about it), it ended up being more frustrating for the people receiving it then intended.

[delichon]

The nice thing about that is that you don't have to ask how you can help, you can just help. I knew a guy who would go to a grieving household and clean their shoes.

[testing22321]

Same advise exactly for a newborn. It was incredibly helpful for us, and now we love doing it for others.

I find it fitting the approach for new life and death can be the same.

[enraged_camel]

Yes, very common in Turkish culture. My dad passed away a month ago. Everyone who came over to offer condolences brought pastries, cakes, various home-made foods. And roasted chestnuts, which are sold by street vendors in Turkey in the winter.

I thought about why that is, and came to the same conclusion as you: when you are grieving you just need to be able to go through the motions, and not stressing about what foods to make is really helpful.

[publicdebates]

It's true. And technically many of them can afford takeout when it's too hard. But there's something healing about someone, whether family or friends, actually doing the act of helping in this way. It's a sort of transfer of love from one heart into another, which heals the broken one. The more of a sacrifice it costs the one giving help, the more healing efficacy it seems to have, even if the amount is unknown to the person receiving help. It's almost magical.

[criddell]

I might be a bit weird about this but… the chances of somebody making something that I want to eat is pretty small. I don’t like eating food from a non-commercial kitchen that I haven’t seen.

If you want to feed me, give me a DoorDash or Uber gift card.

[lostlogin]

From the article: “One of the neighbors actually cooked for me for four years — dinners — and her husband delivered the dinners to me."

I winced at that. 4 years.

[h33t-l4x0r]

For 4 years tho?

[thomascountz]

Text-based alt: https://text.npr.org/2026/01/20/nx-s1-5683170/let-them-the-s...

[vee-kay]

Thank for the alt text-only-mode link, it's nice.

0n some browsers, Reader mode (or Simplified Web View mode) can be used to view webpages or articles as simple text.

This may be need to be enabled in the Accessibility Settings of the browser.

e.g., Above poignant article can be viewed as Reader mode in Vivaldi browser, or Simplified Web View, on Android.

[bitwize]

Probably the most precious gift my wife—a widow herself, as well as having endured quite a bit else over the past 20 years—has given me was, she let me help. She let me in when she hadn't much of a reason to trust anyone.

Of course, if it hadn't been for her dog propeller-tailing when I walked in the door and wondering where I was when I left, I probably wouldn't have gotten the chance. So I owe him my gratitude as well.

[simonkagedal]

The end of this article leaves me hanging. Did she manage to find the previously employed insurance lady so that she could thank her, or not? I need closure!

[dostick]

Where do they find all those people who help people? Try to write article about someone who has nobody and nobody cares.. no story in that.